Its taken me a very long time to come to this point... but I have a problem and need to admit it openly.

I've been under a lot of criticism lately from certain people in my life, and its really caused me to look at my behaviors, my habits... and I'm not thrilled with what I've found. As an old friend used to say "It's hard enough writing down your faults, harder yet to proof-read them." Its taken quite a while, but I have... here goes nothing.



I am an addict.

My dad says addicts should write letters to their addictions to fully realize them... so I've done just that.

I'm writing you this letter because I have to take responsibility and move on. You are my crutch, my friend when I'm alone... I bring to you my worries and doubts, my celebrations and smiles. You encourage me to share my confessions and secrets, you're always there waiting on me.

You and I have all sorts of fun together. We know all the same people, and god... all my friends just love you. You have the ability to liven up a party or hell, make one out of nothing! You make me everyone's favorite girl... more confident, charming, and funnier than I really am. I can't even imagine a social gathering without you... it just wouldn't feel right.

I've given you up before... walked away because everyone said I needed to. They recognized my problem before I ever did... and now that I have, well... here we are. I know I can't give you up for good. I could never do that... but you can't be in the forefront of my life any longer. I've got to start living. Its with much regret I admit I haven't done as much of that as I should... I've just been too concerned with my relationship with you for too long.

You'll still see me around. I've just got to have some adventures of my own... without you, Twitter.

I'll always love you.
<3

I really am addicted to twitter.

I tweet at the grocery store, on the toilet, at work, at home, from my bed, from my boyfriend's bed... its gotta stop.
Its not that I feel like its impacting the quality of my life (denial: it aint just a river, kids!) I just feel like its gotten a little ridiculous. There is not one of my 600 followers who cares a bit about what I ate for breakfast, what new hair product I spent too much money on at Walgreens, cupcake deliveries, my pizza-related tummy issues, or how productive my Friday was. Not a damn one of 'em. You know who does care, though? The few people who use twitter to keep tabs on me.

Self-important as it may be, there are people who are interested in everything I have to say because they're waiting to criticize it. Those people are reading this right now (hey girl, hey!) and becoming more private won't stop them from checking on me... but it certainly will give them less to work with. When I've criticized The Duggars in the past, its been for opening their family up to the whole world, then I've gone and done the same thing.

From October, 2008:

We're emotionally invested in their situation as if we actually know them, because on some level we all do. My good friend Rachael M. made a very important point, which I feel like not enough of us are actually considering.... they have opened themselves up to criticism by inviting TV cameras into their lives.

If you give a mouse a cookie...

I open up too much, always have. I will talk about any and everything with just about anyone. Its one of my beautiful faults and though I recognize it as a weakness, I'm not ashamed of it. Its what draws people to me, and I hope it never changes. What I do need to change is the manner in which I communicate. Its so easy to do everything digitally nowadays, It went from emails replacing letter writing to Twitter replacing happy hour. I've replaced so much of my social interaction with a cell phone/computer that its really quite embarrassing.

My relationship with Twitter is more real than some of my friendships. This. Is. A. PROBLEM. Is it better to have 600 people emotionally invested in my life, or close relationships with 6 people? My close friends are amazing, and I wonder... am I as good a friend as I can be to them? Am I too busy live-tweeting our hangouts to fully engage?

So henceforth, less @gerlaugh, more face-to-face.

I'll always love you Twitter, but we need to start seeing other people.

Vagina... let's talk about it.

I sat on the couch with my roommate, checking my email and reading a local blog, Life + Kids, which is where I go when I start feeling stir crazy and overwhelmed by toddler energy. Terri is a saint, working hard to post events and information for kiddos and parents alike... I wanted to find some fun spring events for the tiny bean, but I actually found something that interested me much more. Next Saturday a group of citizens will be meeting to discuss VBAC (Vaginal Birth After Cesarean) particularly the local hospital's policy against it. Its an event that I'm sure will draw quite a crowd, and I'm anxious to see what comes of it. I said "wow, this is interesting" and when she asked what I immediately responded "I assure you it will not interest you a bit" ...somehow a vagina's rights become so much more interesting to those who have pushed children out of them.

I have no experience with cesarean. I'm speaking for my vagina, not for my belly. My daughter came wailing into this world directly from said vagina, which I might say was pretty much exactly how I intended it. With the rising trend of elective cesarean also rises a new level of birth awareness, moms hoping to do things the natural way, the water way, the orgasmic way, hell... just their way. Don't get me wrong here, I'm not knocking anyone for having a baby however they see fit. I can see great benefits to an elective cesarean, it just wasn't for me. I can't be on time for a coffee date, I'd assuredly be late for the birth of my own child.

I went into labor the way that I think many young mothers do, a belly full of baby and a head full of big ideas... my doctor was very patient and put up with lots of talk about natural birth, questions about various methods and cesarean rates, endless talk about Pitocin and painkillers, and in the end he said what I wanted to hear... "its up to you how you want to do this" ...perfect. Sortof.

You see, my pregnancy was basically perfect. I exercised, I slept, I ate, I didn't have even one sip of wine... I had no worries going into the big day. I had taken the classes, practiced my breathing, and things were progressing exactly as they should... My hips spread, the baby dropped, I was good and fat, hormonal, always hungry, and my vagina... oh lord, it wasn't pretty. I knew this was all going as planned. I was shocked, however, when I arrived at the hospital. I was the only pregnant woman I saw in the completely full maternity ward all day long. I walked the halls, peeked at babies, listened as other women laboring in their rooms, made small talk with the nurses... but no other patients all day, everyone was laboring privately, it was surprising to say the least. I don't think I expected to hee-hoo-hee-hee-hoo in a circle of equally swollen soon-to-be mamas, but I sure never expected to be the only pregnant belly I saw in the maternity ward.

I noticed quickly that the nurses were making more frequent stops in my room and started to worry that something was wrong... they weren't really doing anything, just chatting with me. I chatted back, curious and excited, they all asked how long I planned to go naturally and I responded to every one "as long as I can, I just want to experience every bit of this." When the nurses from my OBGYN's office from across the hospital campus came to visit me all together in a group, I knew something was up. They informed me I was the only one in the ward doing things naturally and that they were all rooting for me. The pressure was officially on.

I didn't have miss Marti Pearl naturally, that is, painkiller-less... Pitocin-riddled, stalled at 7cm for over half a day, and exhausted after 15 hours of intense contractions I asked for an epidural, which numbed exactly half of my body. On the right side I coudln't have told you if I had a foot at all, on the left... I would've gladly noticed my foot if it weren't for my darn uterus. I watched, in a giant mirror, as my daughter was born, and it was incredibly beautiful. Scarily foreign vagina and all... it was amazing. I experienced labor in the fullest sense that I possibly could, and I am thrilled with the outcome. I'm lucky.

Would I do it differently if I had it all to do over again? Probably. I'd insist on waiting on the Pitocin, I'd walk longer, relax more, laugh harder, I might even find a big tub... I wouldn't feel so rushed, I'd ask my doctor to work on my schedule instead of his, I'd eat some grapes when I wanted them... You see, there's so many things we consider in hindsight, especially when it comes to the most important event of our lives.

I have a very dear friend who had her daughter by cesarean after a particularly difficult labor, her daughter is now 5 and her voice still cracks a little when she talks about it. She regrets not being able to experience the labor she planned and hoped for. My heart broke as she admitted she felt like less of a woman for not being able to naturally birth her child... I just can't imagine it. We place so much importance on how we labor because dammit, it is important. We all want to have control, that's why we buy the books, take the classes, fret and prepare.

Prohibiting vaginal birth after cesarean is outdated and unnecessary. With 60 - 80 percent of women who attempt a VBAC delivering vaginally it astounds me that hospitals like Washington Regional still have anti-VBAC policies. I have to side with my old pal Michelle Duggar (seriously girl, you still haven't given me a ring-a-ding and I'm still up for that beauty salon visit!) on this one... "We are thankful our hospital allows trying a VBAC as long as they have an anesthesiologist on hand in case there is an emergency," Duggar has had 15? 16? VBACs at this point, and is a big supporter of women giving it a shot. She's VERY lucky to have a fantastic doctor that will allow it, and I hope her story will help bring awareness to this issue.

Its about time we got with the times here in Arkansas. According to the Birth Network of Northwest Arkansas:

One in three women in America give birth by undergoing major abdominal surgery.

In Northwest Arkansas, vaginal birth after cesarean (VBAC) is banned in most hospitals.

In our area, few women have access to professional nurse-midwifery care in a hospital and there are no freestanding birth centers.

Events like this give me hope that we'll be able to start having babies however we see fit. Check out all of the cesarean awareness events here, and here's another that I'm thrilled about: "The Vagina Monologues" comes to Fayetteville! not much labor involved, but vagina is vagina, right?

I'm still amazed by the varying opinions about my post on The Duggars from this Spring. Everyone seems to have something to say about them, their family, their life, their kids, and we're so passionate about it! We're emotionally invested in their situation as if we actually know them, because on some level we all do. My good friend Rachael M. made a very important point, which I feel like not enough of us are actually considering.... they have opened themselves up to criticism by inviting TV cameras into their lives.

My guilty pleasure is celebrity gossip. Thanks to FameCrawler I was on the Britney Spears meltdown last winter like a monkey on a cupcake. I love reading about other people's lives, and you do too. You wouldn't be reading blogs if you didn't! Our society embraces a certain level of voyeurism, from gossip magazines at the grocery checkout line to our ongoing obsession with reality television, its all around us. The Duggars realize this, and they've capitalized on it! Its simply unarguable. They made the choice to share their details, and they know we're watching.

We watch their day to day life on our televisions and assume that we know these people, their values, their family dynamic, but we don't. We know what we see, the edited version of their very interesting life, and we make very passionate assumptions about them based on the very limited information we have. My question is, why do we insist on protecting them, if they've chosen this life? We all know its out of the ordinary, we all realize these people aren't normal, they've obviously accepted this, because they realized they had a product like none other. We're offering criticism of their way of life, of their impact on our world, on their belief system, or we're shaming the critics for being so negative, because we truly care about these people. Regardless of how we feel about them, they've had an impact on our lives. They're selling their family values and we're supporting every bit of it, whether we agree or not.

Have you ever overheard someone talking about someone you know, and suddenly felt sneaky for listening, but wanting to make sure they've got it all right? You know, the chick talking to her friend in the Target checkout line, mentioning a girl you went to high school with... you immediately tune in, its instinctual I think.

That's how I feel when people talk about the Duggars.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not saying we're BFF, but I live in the same area as the Duggar family. I pass by their house weekly and see their numerous children playing in the yard, we run into them around town from time to time, and before all of the Discovery channel specials, the talk shows, they were just local people that got a lot of attention... and rightfully so, they have a ridiculous amount of children!

I remember seeing them out as a family for the first time when I was in high school. I was immediately put off. I was, at that young age, so certain I wouldn't EVER have children... good lord- they're messy and demanding, and they sure do take a lot of work... not for me. The thought of having tons of children seemed crazy. Plum nuts. So for a lot of years I thought of the Duggars as crazy people. Not just slightly insane, but totally and completely off of their rockers. Really, I still think they're nuts, but not for the same reason.

I think anyone with kids, or a kid, or hell, some of you with very demanding dogs, will agree that when you give so much of yourself to one person that you're bound to go a little nuts... I know I have. I've spent the last 14 months trying to figure out where most of my sanity went, and you know, I still don't think I have a full grasp on it yet, but I'm sorting it out. I think that after 17 kids, there's bound to be part of your brain that has just totally shortened out... the part linked to reproduction, perhaps? I mean, not that I'm saying they're nuts for continuing to have kids, but maybe she's crazy in the sense that this woman, after birthing 17 children, after caring for them all day, still wants to have sex with her husband!? She's got. to be. insane... either that or her sex drive is something for the record books. Either way, I don't think its a bad thing.

Again, I'm not knocking the Duggars, I don't want anyone to think I am... I think in some way they've got to know they're a little crazy. There have got to be days where they have that fleeting thought of "why did we ever think this was a good idea?" while in their minds they're sipping something with an umbrella on a nice little beach instead of folding 2 metric tons of laundry and homeschooling a gaggle of little ones... you can't tell me there aren't! I get it that they're so thankful for their children, and I totally understand, I'm just as thankful for Bean-girl, but there are times when I want to run. completely. away. You've got to know that Michelle Duggar feels that inside sometimes, and I sincerely hope she's able to... you know?

So this morning when I found out she announced that yes, Duggar baby #18 is on the way! I decided to tell you guys the truth about the Duggar family from someone who has really seen them... not just Discovery channel seen them, like grocery store seen them. I want everyone to know that I think these people are nuts, but they're happy nuts! They're good people. They really are... they're raising their kids in a way that makes them happy, and their kids seem happy enough with it too... plus, they're getting a little taste of stardom, which is cool for them I'm sure. Again, I know I keep going back to this, but she's still jumping on Jimbo- and pretty frequently, I'd assume!

I've been married long enough to know that sex isn't what it used to be... I mean, quality has improved in a big way throughout these years, but quantity... eh. I just get wrapped into so many things that the last thing on my mind as I climb in to bed at night is getting frisky. Maybe that's wrong, I don't know, but I just don't go as wild for it as I used to! There's something about having a 20lb toddler on your hip all day that makes sex feel miles and miles away. Multiply that by 16, and make them old enough to have actual issues past "I pooped myself" and good lord... I just don't know how she does it! I admire Michelle Duggar for still getting in the mood! I really do.

I know it'd probably get more attention if I was like "OMG the Duggars are AWFUL they're scarring their kids for life!" but really, I can't say it... She really looks happy. She's not parading around for the cameras putting on some front... she really looks that happy all the time. Truly, I think she is happy, and that's awesome. I can't knock a woman for being excited about being a mom. I honestly believe that if you're crazy in a way that makes you super happy, a great mom, and you're still getting laid, then dude, keep that crazy flowing!


I will say though, Michelle... you and I need to be making a hair appointment. Seriously, I promise I'll make sure they don't do anything crazy to you, and I'll be great moral support... hey, I'll even watch a kid or 12 for you, but let's bring you up to speed. 1987 was great, really, but let it go. Ol Jimbo might even really like the change of pace... and it'd be a nice pregnant pick-me-up... a new look would do you some good! Plus, you can get a cute little cut and donate all of that hair to Locks of Love! Seriously, girl- call me.