When I was a little girl, my dad was my partner in crime.

We spent our time fishing and wrestling, playing in the yard and eating junk food.

He has the gentlest soul you'll ever encounter. He's got the spirit of a grandpa, and he's always had it. 30 or 50, he's just so gentle.

When my parents divorced my world crashed down around me.

My dad was my best friend, I didn't understand how I could live without him.

I did though. I lived without him for 10 years. I lived with a lot of hurt and a lot of sadness. I grew up needing him so much, and he just wasn't there.

He remarried a few times, he spent some time in jail, he checked out and stayed stoned for a lot of years.

Eventually he cleaned himself up, I made contact with him and tried to build a relationship... and it worked. We got really close, and when I decided to go to college closer to him, I was able to start really learning about my dad.

He had cancer really bad. The chemo & radiation made him look slightly frail. Well over 6ft tall and at nearly 300 lbs, he still towered over me but he just felt different. He felt worried. The tumor in his liver was big, and it wasn't shrinking. He was sick but worked hard anyway, always struggling to make ends meet. I don't remember when he started his "crazy" juice diet, or the supplements, or the positive thinking, but the combination of it all just worked. The tumor disappeared. Remission.

My dad was able to change my daughter's diaper the day we brought her home from the hospital. This summer, my little sister moved in with him. She spent the summer before college building the relationship she never had with him.

My dad starts chemo again very soon. My mom called and told me yesterday. All of her words jumbled, because deep down it doesn't matter how small the tumor was, how much of it they removed, or how positive the doctor was. My dad is sick again, and I am absolutely torn up over it.

Fuck cancer. Fuck it completely.

I've been hesitant to talk about my stance on health care reform. While its something I feel so very passionate about, its a can of worms I haven't wanted to open. Everyone's got an opinion on it, and I certainly don't have the time to take on changing anyone's mind here.

What I will say is that I have a story, and its been ongoing for many years. Growing up with a single parent, I was covered by my state's Medicaid program which took very good care of me. I could see a doctor, get a prescription, or even visit the hospital for very little cost. This program is available for my daughter, and I am happy to take full advantage of it for as long as my income level will allow. As a single parent, I am so grateful that this program exists.

Its not that I can't afford health insurance, its that I place more importance on other things in my life. I know that's why so many people jump to say "well that's your fault then" but really... I'd rather be able to have the money in my checking account to buy my daughter new shoes or to grab a box of tampons. I'm not so poor that I can't afford to have insurance, I just can't afford anything else on top of it because its simply not in the budget. I, like many Americans (not just single moms) am tightly budgeted in order to maintain a comfortable lifestyle. And by comfortable I don't mean $20 shampoo and organic milk, I mean "the electric will stay on this month and we're going to downgrade the cable for a little while but we're making it, kiddo!" If you choose to say that I'm irresponsible for this, I invite you to trade places for a bit. Come over here and check out this balancing act... if you're not convinced, you can kindly screw yourself... its hard work.

Its so frustrating for me to hear friends of mine talk about health care reform because 9 times out of 10 the people who are the biggest objectors are those that have never prayed for Tuesday to come so they could wait in line at the free clinic to get antibiotics they desperately needed LAST Tuesday. Its a bullshit system, but I'll never be one to knock it because its the only option for so many people.

My income level meets the requirements to receive state food/housing assistance but I choose not to take it simply because I don't feel like I need it. If I can afford to have cable, I can afford to pay for my own groceries. We simply can't afford to look at healthcare the same way. It should be every person's right to be properly treated and receive the same good quality care regardless of income level. Spend some time in the local health unit waiting room and tell me that its not necessary to have adequate coverage for all people. Talk to me about how you propose we get people who can't otherwise afford the level of care they deserve treatment to help them live better and longer... no one has a magic fix here, but public health care is and has been working in other countries, why are we so afraid it won't work here?

It all comes down to money, and that's such a damn shame. Its been said time and time again that we'll build a terrible system in which doctors have no motivation to treat patients well, and that's simply not true. We're spending so much time fighting over who's right and wrong, would we still be fighting about this if no one was making money off of either solution? Do we really place such a high value on money that we're comfortable admitting we care more about the financial implications of this change than we do fair and even care for all people? Why are we only focusing on money and not considering the most important aspect of the whole fight: how do we make sure that every American can receive quality care?

Long story very short, I suffer from chronic back pain and at the age of 25, find myself incapable of standing or sitting for long periods of time at least once or twice a month. Instead of undergoing the disc repair programs outlined by numerous chiropractors, or surgery recommended by my doctor, I depend on muscle relaxers, pain medications, and Cortizone shots to make it through the rough patches. Its absolutely no way to live, but I'm lucky in that my pain level is manageable most of the time. I cannot be treated for this problem since I don't have insurance which means I have to be very creative in how I go about pain management. Its not ideal, but I can't afford for this to become a pre-existing condition before I get decent insurance.

The frustration of having to deal with constant pain and no permanent or affordable solution only makes it harder to get well. I'm not saying that I know for certain that the current administration's proposed changes would make it better, but hell, something's gotta give here. I'm frustrated and discouraged by the state of things, and I truly believe that all Americans deserve affordable, quality health care without the worry of pre-existing conditions and high deductibles. I'm watching anxiously to see how everything unfolds, because I need to have hope that at some point I can walk into a doctor's office and receive a real solution.

We need this change, and we've got to make it happen.

I sit, typing to you with barf in my hair and a very unhappy kiddo. Bean girl is sickly. Fever, puking, the whole messy awful no fun 9 yards. Her dad brought her home this morning and the first thing she did was lay down on my shoulder and say "Mama I throw up" which in sick-kid language is just a total crap sandwich. Poor little thing.


Also, kids thermometers? What a joke. I bought this Spongebob $10 jobber at Wal-Mart a while back, and short of sticking it in her tush can't get an accurate reading ever. Its unfortunate too, because there's no way I'm gonna add insult to injury- if she's sick, I'll take her to the doctor hoping she's got a fever before I pull down that diaper. For that reason, I shelled out a bit more for one of those ear-mometers, the more reliable kind.

Unfortunately, I can't find it. The last time I remembered, it lived in my closet in my room at my (now former) friend's house. We had a pretty nasty friend breakup recently and I've tried not to air too much of my dirty laundry in those regards on the interwebz, but I am hot.

Here's the dialogue:

Me (11:34 AM):
I don't want any drama, just have a question. Was there a kids ear thermometer in the closet near the sippy cup? I can't find it & thought it was there.
Me (11:35 AM):
MP is really sick, I just need to find the good thermometer

Her (11:47 AM):
No. Everything of yours that was in my house was packed and given to you. I have nothing else of yours.

Me (11:51 AM):
What I am asking is when you packed everything up did you see it? I have a very sick baby and just need to know if its in there somewhere.

Her (11:57 AM):
What I am telling you is NO! You would have it if it was anywhere in your room. Don't text me anymore! I have NOTHING of yours in my house. Take her to the DR.



There's just no sense in that. To lose our entire friendship so suddenly and dramatically came as a shock to say the very least, but this is just uncalled for. I've fought the urge to write about how I feel in regards to our breakup, to complain that I feel sad, disappointed, pissed off...

I've resisted simply out of respect for her privacy, because as Ms. Single Mama said this morning "single mom or not - I’ve never been one to censor myself for fear of judgment."

I'm still not going to go to the lengths of reporting all of the things that were said and done which were irreparably damaging to our friendship. I don't need to smear her name at all. I feel like I'm doing a good job of mourning that relationship, and come to terms with the hard fact that she won't ever be a part of our lives again.

The hardest thought is that she'll never get to see the bean as she grows and experience her love and light, but there's no way I can allow anyone to dim that light with anger & jealousy... She simply deserves more than that. Honestly, we both do.


Its so very hard, but days like today make it so much easier. I'm very blessed to have many good friends that genuinely and deeply love us. Only moments after tweeting that Bean was sick, I received a text from a new, yet very close friend offering to run to the store and get that thermometer we were missing. Having people that benefit and enrich our lives with support, love, and real compassion is so necessary for parents. It is absolutely vital for single moms & dads.

I'm still sad to have lost that friendship, and It'll take a very long time for the hurt to subside, but its truly made me realize just how lucky I am to have so many people that care about us. A huge thank you to all of my friends, and to this beautiful little girl who just keeps providing me with wonderful life lessons. The same little girl, actually, whose fever has come down (according to my trusty mama-hand-mometer) and who is officially holding down crackers & Pedialyte. Yay for well babies, good friends, and cutting out the negative.