So its no secret that this mama needs a vacation. I work too much, I sleep too little, I run on stress & rarely get a chance to kick back and relax. Its just part of being a small business owner, a single mom, and well... a Leo. If life isn't a challenge then it isn't fun! Right!? Well I've been bugging the boy for months about a getaway. "Just take me somewhere... let's sleep til noon and not work, and stuff ourselves with good food, and take naps and read books... you know, all those things we don't get to do otherwise!" And try as he might, scheduling always gets the best of us. With 4 kids between us, its just been impossible to work out. We always have 1 night a week in which we're both kidless for a few hours but by the time that night gets here, we're usually just content with pajama pants & DVDs. I'm as guilty of it as he is, always turning on my computer the second we get a chance to "rest" because there's always work to be done...
Date Night
Well this week we had a real bona-fide date. Dinner at Hugo's- our favorite date night spot, and Rodgers & Hammerstein's South Pacific at the Walton Arts Center. Now let me pause to thank this boy of mine for not only re-arranging his schedule so that we could do this, but let's be honest... showtunes don't really rank the highest on the "perfect man date" scale.
He didn't scoff at my choice of dates, in fact when I told him I got a ticket from the Walton Arts Center as part of a blog contest, he was very proud. He even put on a nice jacket, toted my tookus all over downtown, and opened doors for me all night. Though he wasn't singing along with me during the show, he's been breaking into a very over-zealous version of "some enchanted evening..." randomly since Intermission. I think that means he maybe dug it a little.
Mat wasn't familiar with the story, but I have loved it since I was a child. My mom, always the entertainer, was a choir director & choreographer when I was a child. This meant a lot of REALLY lame dance routines to go along with youth choir songs about loving your friends & trusting Jesus, I mean like serious jazz-hands kind of stuff... but it also meant some really fun and hilarious performances too. The most memorable one being the Honey Bun skit enacted by a group of high school seniors when I was 5 or 6. Its one of my fondest childhood memories, seeing my mom laugh and dance along with all of these kids... We grew up watching the movie and I've seen a couple of small theater productions, but wow- Last night was completely amazing.
Reading up on the show, the Lincoln Center's production won 7 honors at the 2008 Tony Awards, and I can believe it. It was incredible, it most definitely rose above all of my expectations. The characters could not have been more perfect, from Nelly's fantastic Arkansas accent (which the crowd of course LOVED!) to Bloody Mary's "stingy bastard!" and Billis' "Twirly Whirly" hips, it was just totally right.
My favorite part of the show though was actually watching the woman in front of me... About 75-80 years young, she caught my eye because she reminded me of my Gram... beautiful, dressed very nicely with her hair perfectly curled, sitting with her daughter. She was obviously very excited about seeing the show and as it went on you could tell she was really enjoying it. Towards the end, she was singing along with every song. The smile on her face was just as big as springtime. She was 100% in the music, in the story... nowhere near Fayetteville Arkansas for the night. It was fantastic to watch. That escape, getting lost in the show... that's what its all about, isn't it?
I couldn't help but look over and smile at my boy. Maybe the vacation wasn't panning out like we hoped, but we certainly had an absolutely lovely night together. The music, the show, the dinner, the walk up Dickson Street... it was all just different. It was relaxation and excitement all wrapped into a completely unique experience for both of us. I'll spare you all cliche mentions of enchanted evenings, but I bet you can all guess what I'm humming today...
I'm a single mom of 1 dating a single dad of 3. This is my first relationship with a man who has children... Initially, I was hesitant but excited. I'll be honest... I'm not nuts about other people's kids. Awful, I know... but I'm just not. I think its basically because my kid is so far beyond awesome that when I'm around kids that aren't, I feel bad for everyone involved. I mean, except for my kid... because she's obviously superior. Really though, um... I like awesome kids. The rest I'm kindof "meh" about.
In dating post-separation, I found myself stuck, facing the same issues over and over again. I'm an amazing woman and my daughter is (see above) really awesome. We're both entertaining, beautiful, and good for laughs. We're adventurous & spontaneous, open and loving... we've really got a lot to offer. I was dating single guys with no kids over and over again. All different ages with different careers and lives, it always came down to the same issue... I'm a really big package. Talk about a whole lot of responsibility from the get-go.
None of those guys were interested in dating a mom... and I couldn't blame them. I wasn't seeking out a dad either. I had plenty on my plate without any of that business and I was dating guys who were in the same exact position. Career-driven, preoccupied, understandably self-centered... they just weren't on the same page as I was. Frustrating as that was sometimes, I understood it.
I never really considered dating a single father, but when I became interested in the boy, it was because he was a dad. Over a series of messages one night, he told me about his kids, and I found myself in crush city with this amazing father.
But don't think I really understood what that meant for me, for us. In fact, I'm still learning everyday. The boy and I have been together for over 6 months now, and we're past "dating" and more in "serious relationship" territory, full of big talk and commitments. We find comfort, understanding, and mutual support in each other. I kiss his forehead after a long day and he takes my trash out. We're both looking forward to many more years of finding toys in our tennis shoes and quiet time after the kids go to bed...
There's a lot of miles between 2 people dating who both happen to have kids and a "blended family". Right now, we're right in the middle of it. Our kids love each other, his family has welcomed us with open arms, hell, I'm even good friends with his ex wife... My daughter is nuts about him, his boys love me, and I'm finally getting to know his youngest, which out of respect for her mother, I've not been able to develop a relationship with yet. We are doing the very best we can, and for the first time since we've been together, it finally feels like everything is simply falling into place.
For the record, I'm not sure I'm comfortable with the term "blended family" ...I mean, its appropriate enough for the situation but at this point in my own relationship it'd be better described as a big ol' mess of kids who aren't quite sure what their relationship is, and 2 parents who are trying hard to figure that out themselves.
I got snowed in with his family for Christmas. His whole family with my small family of 2, spending the holiday together. We were simply not ready for that. Its not that we're not madly in love, or that we're not completely committed to this relationship, its just that we haven't figured out what all of this commitment means yet. I worried that it would really put a strain on us, but we're closer than ever.
I realized never stopped to consider how I felt about becoming a "stepmom" or starting a "blended family" - I just fell in love.
I never expected to gain a family from a relationship, especially so soon after the family I'd planned on and worked so hard for dissolved.
Really, what it comes down to for me is that I never expected to fall in love with 4 people instead of 1.
But I couldn't be happier.
This week I'll be exploring a lot of things that have been on my heart all year. 2009 has been a year of self-discovery and improvement and I have no doubt that 2010 will be even better. I am one hell of an uncommon mama, but you guys don't even know the half of it. I'm overflowing with stories that I'm finally ready to share.
This blog will be changing quite a bit. For now, just get the wine ready, mama's got a hell of a lot to talk about. <3
My mom was a single mom... still is, in fact. She raised us on her own, without the every-other-weekend break and oftentimes, without any financial support at all. My dad wasn't a bad man by any means, he just wasn't a "dad" and by the time he realized it, I was grown. My mom never remarried. She's a single woman and a mother, and there's no confusion over her title. She is a single mother, through and through. Am I one, though?
I remember my first love. Do you? His name was Justin and he was an odd duck. He was my first real, mom-sanctioned boyfriend. We went on dates and I'd ride the bus home with him sometimes, a huge responsibility my mom told me... and one I took very seriously. She was very protective but she liked Justin... everyone did! He was funny and unpredictable and complimented my spontaneous Leo spirit quite well. He dyed his hair and listened to Radiohead. He lived with his mom in a trailer park and didn't know his dad.
I remember laying in his bed after school, making out and listening to music when we heard the front door open. I nervously jumped out of bed. He stayed laying there, totally relaxed, and asked me what was wrong. I began listing all of the things that were "wrong" and at the age of 15, laying in bed with a boy was pretty high on that list. "Wouldn't your mom get mad?" I asked, and he laughed. "She doesn't care, come lay back down" and I did. Laying there I couldn't wrap my mind around it... she didn't mind us laying in bed together? The concept blew my young mind. My mom wasn't terribly strict, but Jesus! That would never fly.
As I got to know his mom over the months that we dated, I realized he was right... she didn't care if we laid in bed together, or if we stayed out too late, or if we didn't come home at all. In fact, there wasn't much she did care about. His mom worked at a factory and drank vodka straight from the plastic bottle. She kept her dildo in the dish drainer and took the Lord's name in vain. Her skin had no softness left, she always smelled like smoke and sex.
Justin and I had been anxiously waiting for the opening night of Fight Club and we begged my mom to take us to the theater. She couldn't, so we asked his mom. She said she'd be glad to as long as we'd buy her a ticket. I smelled the vodka on her and knew she had her little bottle tucked away in her purse. He begrudgingly agreed, but only if she'd sit somewhere else. We sat on the very last row, holding hands and watching the movie intently until suddenly she stood up and started screaming at me. Yelling names that even to this day make me blush, accusing us of having sex in the theater. As she ran towards me I looked at him and burst into tears. We were both confused, as we'd been so intent in watching the movie we hadn't even kissed! She grabbed us by our arms and pulled us into the lobby, scolding us loudly the whole way. I was shocked and humiliated.
It was then that I realized just as my dad never was a "dad" his mom was definitely not a "mom". Single or not, there was no "mother" to her aside from the fact that she at one point birthed a child. There's such an enormous difference in the title and the job, and though his situation was much more explosive than mine, he had no control over that relationship, just as I didn't. It became clear what our bond was from the start.
My mom took on the role of both parents not because she wanted to, but because it was her job. I'm very lucky in that I have Marshall's help raising our daughter... I don't have to be a dad, I just have to be a really good mama. Its a mentality, an active effort every day to be just... more.
At what point though, am I no longer a "single" mama? I mean, technically... I'm not "single" since I have a boyfriend, but I am still a single mom through and through. The numerous classifications within the title are what have me confused. Am I single, partnered/coupled, formerly-single? What if my boyfriend has virtually nothing to do with how I raise my daughter? Does it come down to his impact on decision making and his literal presence in her life? Do I decide or do other people?
My boyfriend, though a fantastic father himself, has very little to do with how I raise Miss Bean. He suggests an earlier bedtime for her and could color with her for hours, but all decisions relating to her are between her dad and I. He doesn't do my dishes or watch my daughter... not because I don't trust him to do so, and hell- I'd take help with the dishes anyday, but he just doesn't. And its not even that we don't have that kind of relationship... he's just an incredibly busy guy. Between 3 kids & work, he's pretty much not up for doing anyone's dishes but his own and that's fine by me. I'm capable and responsible for those aspects of my life.
He does support me though... and I don't mean he's paying my rent (though if need be, he'd gladly do it I have a feeling) I mean he listens to me cry and reassures me when I need it. He makes things better, and he strives to make me smile. Yesterday was an incredibly tough day because of a miscommunication with Bean girl's dad which ruined our plans of spending the day hanging out all together. I was downright sad, feeling sorry for myself, and he was wholly supportive through every bit of it. That's a huge advantage in my opinion.
If he did do my dishes and watch my kid would I be less of a single mom?
If at some point this road leads us to living together and/or marriage, will I still be a single mom?
What if I'm still doing my own dishes and watching my kid more than his?
A couple of my favorite bloggers have already discussed this (Martini Mom | One Smarmy Mama), but I want to hear your thoughts as well...
At what point am I no longer a "single" mom, or if since I am no longer with the father of my daughter, will I always be one?
Some opinions from my Facebook:
Heather Kendrick Gerlaughis a single mama with a boyfriend. Does that mean I'm still a ''single mom'' ? Blog in the works...
My first inclination is "yes"... Until you are married again or living together as a married couple then you are a single mom (with a boyfriend)... Now you just have a longer title!
technically...pretty much. Then again, it all kind of plays into how much of the child rearing is the boyfriend doing also. I'm in the same boat. I am still technically a "single mom" but we have been working as a unit lately but at this point the major decisions are still mine to make...until we're in a position where we aren't living separately and such I guess I have that position...though we do discuss a lot of things and his input is greatly considered and we pretty much work everything out as if we were all living as a family at this point. It's going to be there soon and we're just in transition phases now.
Yep, until you are married again can you be classified as anything but single, on paperwork boyfriends dont count for much except maybe emergency contacts.
Yes, you are a single Mom, in my opinion. The main care-taking for kiddo comes from you -- the "single" refers to parenting by yourself (in partnership with you ex, I know, but still)! My hat goes off to you -- it's tough work!
I don't know if its growing pains, or if perhaps we're just finally settling in with one another and becoming comfortable with our place in each other's lives, but there's been a lull in the lovins.
This is a very different relationship than any I've ever been in though... for the first time, I feel as if I am with an absolute equal. Instead of chasing or being chased, I'm just enjoying his company, and reveling in the fact that I am so very much in love with someone who is so perfectly suited for me. Emotionally, mentally, physically (hubba hubba) I've found my match. Its passion and love and mutual support and understanding... pretty much everything I could ask for.
So why the funk? Well, I just don't know.
I don't mean that I don't very much love him, because I really do. And I know he's very much in love with me too, but we're both very busy and that's started to take its toll. He's a dad to 3 kids who take up a majority of his time and I'm a mama that spends a majority of hers with Miss Bean and work. When we're not working and being parents... we're doing laundry and you know, bathing, sleeping, eating, etc. There's just not much time for he and I to just enjoy being a couple. I could easily count on two hands the amount of times we've been out on dates, and its really not that we don't want to go out, we just can't ever get motivated at the same time.
"we're in love, everybody knows about it, now what?"
We're no longer a "new" couple. We've met each other's friends and families, our Facebook relationship status tells the internet that we are officially in a relationship, and our kids are spending lots of time together. We're fully invested and we're both thrilled about it, but what happens now? We share the fear of growing bored, both being through a divorce, we can't afford to assume that we know what we're doing is the right thing... Luckily, I think it gives us the advantage of knowing what we want and need and being comfortable communicating it. I can easily say this is the happiest I've ever been, but how do I keep it this way?
My grandparents are a lovely couple that have been married for nearly 60 years. That's an amazing amount of years already, but after spending a holiday with them I assure you... you'd be completely boggled as to how they haven't killed each other by now. They don't fight or yell or get angry, but they easily spend half their day bickering. Over everything and nothing at the same time, they are the two most stubborn people I've ever met. My grandmother will tell you the secret to a long marriage is finding someone you can argue with and I don't know that she's not completely right. She tells the story of being engaged prior to meeting my grandfather, to an absolutely boring man with loads of money. She would've been set for a life of luxury, but she left him for a one-armed preacher with a wild streak who absolutely irritated the crap out of her.
I used to think they were such unhappy people, what with all the little tiffs they'd get into over every little thing... but when my grandmother was diagnosed with cancer his love and passion for her was undeniable. He'd burst into tears at the drop of a hat, telling us how unbearable life would be without her. They live to bicker with each other.
My grandmother said she's never gone to bed mad at him, and I believe it. I don't know that she actually does ever get really, truly mad at him, but she sure does act like it. They are equal in their relationship... both playing antagonist or protagonist, depending on the moment. They constantly bicker about nothing because they're so damn passionate about loving each other... and good for them! At 75 my grandparents are madly in love with each other. So many couples can't say that at 25, 35, 45... much less after 4 kids! Its absolutely wonderful.
After a particularly rough week and long weekend apart, Mat and I found ourselves grumpy and doubting ourselves. I was upset with him for never wanting to get out of the house and do anything and he was upset with me for not just enjoying our time together, sans-kids, just hanging out. It was silly but after dealing with lots of stress all week, we let it elevate to a point where we were both even grumpier and more unhappy.
That was, until he brought out the matching pajamas.
Somehow he ended up with 2 pair of pajama pants. They're Christmas-y: red with green dots, and they're pretty darn big on me, but when he offered me some comfy pants and I saw there were 2 pair, I knew we were gonna be alright. Yes, that's right kids- I found a boy who willingly put on matching pajama pants and allowed pictures to be taken. This boy, he loves me a whole lot.
Sometimes all I need is the realization that I am loved and appreciated more than I've ever expected. I need a spontaneous expression of affection every now and again, and he's really good about providing that.
I don't know if bickering is the secret to a happy relationship, but I know that even though we've faced a tremendous amount of challenging situations since we've been together, I love this boy more than I ever dreamed I would. Obviously, he feels the same way. These things are tricky... especially when you add extremely time-consuming careers and kids. And who knows... i'll probably always have to work hard to convince him to go out and have fun after a long day, but this is going to work. We're just good together.
If it's good to complicate than both of us are doing fine Just keep your eyes on your part and leave me alone to mine If it's good to instigate than we're a fast horse, bet on us I'm not calling you an animal I think we just fight too much
Come on, in spite of this we're doing just fine Even diamonds start as coal Give us time to shine Even diamonds start as coal
We're both aligned in framed of mind but circumstance has got us good And now you're seeing a side of me I wished no one ever would Yeah, if it's right to pick a fight, we're fingers in a sugar bowl Love isn't perfect Even diamonds start out as coal
Hey now, in spite of this we're doing just fine Even diamonds start as coal Give us time to shine Even diamonds start as coal Even diamonds start as coal We're incomplete and infantine Even diamonds start as coal
Give it time girl, the fire feels divine The sweetest things They burn before they shine We think way too much Look at us losing touch A promise is a promise until...
Yeah, in spite of this we're doing just fine Even diamonds start as coal Give us time to shine Even diamonds start as coal Even diamonds start as cpaö We're incomplete and infantine Even diamonds start as coal
I changed my "relationship status" on Facebook this week. A simple action, but lordy be! what a response! I had emails, comments, text messages... all wondering who, when, what!? I laughed, amazed at how curious everyone was... but one email struck me. A good friend asked "Seriously? YOU are in a relationship, and you're admitting it for all of Facebook to see? This guy must be something special, that's a big step for you!" For me- What did she mean!? I talk about my vagina on Twitter, its not like I'm a private person at all! And was it really a big step? I mean, its just the internet for christ sakes... but the more I thought about it, the bigger it seemed. I had officially taken myself off the market. Whoa. Maybe I hadn't thought this through...
You see, its all quite complicated. I started dating following my separation, completely opposed to the idea of a serious relationship. I was determined to date and enjoy the single life completely. There were a few boys I spent more time with, but all ended up being rather disappointing. There was the "your only problem is that you're a mom" dude, the flaky artsy boy who drank, the total liar, then the highly motivated yet indecisive boy who I regrettably got in over my head with, (at which point he promptly skeedaddled) who left me wondering wtf I was doing to myself. After that, I had to stop... I quit dating and started focusing on figuring out what I wanted.
I'd previously said "single moms just want to have fun" which I still think is reasonable, but its a temporary thing. Single moms, just like all ladies, get to a point where they're ready and I was there. I was tired of crying over guys who weren't even thinking about me, and I decided it wouldn't happen anymore. I started focusing on changing: on being a more confident, beautiful, well-mannered lady, someone any guy would want to be with. Then I realized that was a giant crock of shit. I am confident, very beautiful, and well... my manners are intact but honesty and frankness have gotten me this far.
I was ready, I was worthy, and I was downright lonely. Take Your Kids to Dickson came along, and I spent a month working insane hours preparing for the most successful thing I've ever done. I was humbled, looking out over the crowds... seeing so many families there enjoying everything we'd planned. I knew I'd accomplished something incredible, and I was so proud. Thousands of people, but as I walked up the street with my daughter I couldn't have felt more alone. She and I were there together, watching the families... moms, dads, kids, and my eyes welled up with tears. I wasn't giving her the life I wanted for her... for us. I was trying, but it all seemed farther away than I was comfortable with.
I found myself a little freaked out, knowing what I wanted gave everything a different feel. I knew I couldn't settle, something I'd been doing every time since I started dating. I knew I wanted to be in love, I was tired of worrying about whether I was coming on too strong, counting rings before I could answer my phone, none of that made sense to me anyhow. As a grown woman with a child, I simply couldn't play games like a normal 25 year old. I was so disappointed with my dating experiences, but when considering who I'd been seeing was it any wonder? I wasn't dating a man because I wanted to fall in love and build a lasting relationship, I was dating because I wanted to be appreciated for more than my sidewalk chalk, project management, design and diaper changing skills. As a hard-working single mom, I just wanted to not have to figure out what I wanted.
Luckily, that worked out pretty well. I met the boy professionally a while back, a simple meeting to discuss a potential project. We wound up sitting around talking about divorce, kids, dating, our families, side projects... we both remarked later about how strangely comfortable we were talking to each other, though he teased me for being so nervous. I didn't bid on the project, and we continued talking often. Neither of us intended for things to develop and when they did, the timing couldn't have been more wrong. They say though that when you stop looking it finds you... and that's definitely the case here.
I sat watching TV after bean girl had gone to bed last night, and Jerry Maguire came on. I never understood why my mom always cried when she watched that movie until now. As a single mom, everything is different. I realized just what I'd been doing wrong: the silly games that go along with dating just don't fly with us. We expect more, we want and need love in a way that non-mamas just don't, and I didn't fully understand that when I was trying to force relationships with boys with no desire to actually get involved. Single mamas fall hard, when we realize its there we are fully involved. I realized that what I've been feeling is a very different kind of lonely than I'd ever known, and I was wearing my Brave-Little-Toaster-pants hoping not to get hurt but failing at it. I wanted a boy to understand and appreciate all of me, and I wanted to feel comfortable sharing that.
I'm fully involved, and I'm thrilled about it. Taking myself off the market wasn't as difficult as I'd imagined when I met someone who caught my attention and kept it. A dad himself, he understood from the start what I wanted and needed (even when I didn't). In not trying to say the right things, he won me over completely with an honesty and frankness I'd craved without realizing. It comes as no surprise to any of you that I'm an open book. I put everything on the line, take it or leave it there I am. I opened myself up and for the first time didn't fight the uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach saying "this isn't a good idea, mama" I wanted this, and he did too. With that comes a certain air of caution, for ourselves, our hearts, our kids... was it safe to give into the excitement of something that seemed so... genuine? Its a strange time for both of us, so we initially resisted the idea of starting a relationship, but things have developed naturally despite our hesitation, and here we are.
So here I am, admitting that I'm nuts about a boy and for once, I am so fully appreciated, just as I am. Imperfect and impulsive, bossy and idealistic, he looks at me with a sense of wonder.
Thank you for that, mister.
Also, a huge thank you to Ms. Single Mama who works so hard to provide support and insight. Reading about your love with John Bear is inspiring and exciting. Congratulations, lady. Thank you for helping us sort out all of this crazy dating stuff and allowing us to peek in on your life, you are incredible. You want to see what the boy is doing right? Here's a good list from Ms. Single Mama herself: How to Date a Single Mom
