You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. -Buddha

Oh kids, let me tell you about a woman I love so dearly.

My friend Danelle makes my heart swell in a way I can't even begin to explain! She has such a bright, honest soul and I can't thank God enough for her presence in my life. I got to see her today for the first time in a while... she moved to California over a year ago, and though we keep in touch online and I promise often to go visit her, I haven't seen her since.

Seeing her today was so fulfilling because of her boundless love and affection. This girl hugs with her whole soul, something I can say of very few people I've ever met.

She stood today hugging me, caressing my hair and telling me how amazing and beautiful and talented I am, and it was all I could do to blink the tears away, knowing that in all of my self-doubt, all of my worry and stress... someone so real, so full of passion and reason, thinks so highly of me.

Self-esteem has never been my strong suit. In Jr High I saw myself as incredibly fat. I had been warned starting at a young age about eating disorders, but I was intrigued... later realizing that the control aspect was the most attractive, I struggled with bulimia for years... yo-yo-ing between slightly overweight and completely normal, always wanting to be thinner. By the time I was in college it was a full-blown problem. I'd eat very little throughout the day but polish off more Taco Bell than they should even be allowed to sell to one damn person... spending the rest of my evening attacking my esophagus and ego, feeling no better about myself when I went to bed... and seeing very little results on the scale.


Senior Year of High School. What a fatdumbass, right?


I used to joke that I wasn't committed enough to be anorexic. I really loved food, hell- I still do! I couldn't fathom skipping meals and obsessively counting calories. Bulimia was the ultimate control for me: I ate exactly what I damn well pleased, and I didn't gain any weight from it. Take that, Slim Fast!


Senior Year of High School again

What took me years to realize is that I was deeply depressed and so very uncertain of myself. I had no idea who I was, or who I wanted to be... just that I wanted to be thin, pretty, and different than I was. I wanted to win my ex-boyfriend's affection, my friend's approval, respect and admiration. My mom's self-esteem pep-talks did me no good, and I did a good job of hiding my problem (outside of a few friends who were keeping some pretty hefty secrets of their own). The depression took an enormous toll, and when I quit school I had to come to terms with it. I spent a summer living with my mom, not working, and painting. It was the most important thing I could've done for myself, and even though I wanted so much to be out on my own as an adult, I knew it was good for me to take time to just figure out how to be OK first.

I stopped throwing up, first off... and it was a good thing, too. Later that fall, I had severe issues with esophageal erosions, due to years of mistreating the poor thing. I didn't eat for days and boy was I pissed- all of those years of hurting myself in order to eat how I wanted and here I was "better" and couldn't eat!? It was torture. That's when I gained all the weight, but in doing so I didn't struggle more with my self-esteem issues, I found pride and joy in my body regardless... much more than I'd found when I was thinner. I started seeing myself as beautiful, my curves as sexy, and all of that together made me one hell of a force to be reckoned with.

Upon losing the weight, I'd like to just say... watch out. Sitting on the couch talking with the boyfriend the other night, I found myself amazed at the changes I'd made, not just since my days of daily cookie tossing... but even from a few months ago. I went into this relationship self-assured, certain that regardless of what happened I was worthy of love and admiration. For once I wasn't concerned with the ex-boyfriend, or that cute guy at the bar... I was focused on me in all of my frickin' glory. Its been fun, and its been genuine, and I honestly believe its why I'm so darn happy with this silly boy.


That being said, silly boy and I took our kids to the park today to visit with Danelle before she went back to California. He asked me last night who she was, and I told him very honestly...

She's the first mom who I ever trusted completely the first time I met her... she was so frazzled, and exhausted, and radiantly beautiful. Not because her hair was perfect, or her makeup took an hour, but because dammit, she was mama! she had smiles and belly-laughs as readily available as her furrowed brow and heartfelt 'i'm sorrys' and she threw those stern mama-eyes like i'd never seen! I knew that deep down, that's what every mom aspired to be... absolutely comfortable in every aspect of her (very difficult) job, even though she could've really used a nap... and a cocktail. Her shiny dark hair and beautiful body were secondary to the amazing kindness and honesty radiating from her at all times.

Sitting at her kitchen table drinking wine and sharing stories as our kids played around us is something I'll always remember. She taught me so much by just being... and I definitely needed a reminder today. I spend so much of my life so caught up in the daily stresses... worrying about money constantly, working too much, playing too little... letting other people control my happiness, my perception of myself... its all so ridiculous. Negative thoughts and actions breed negativity, and I can't let any of that be a priority in my life for even a moment. Don't be angry over things you can't change, don't look in the mirror with sadness, just live and love and cut out all the rest of that noise. Thank you, Danelle, for reminding me to enjoy life in its entirety... to love myself as much as you do. I'm going to work hard to keep this love and light flowing.

Love yourself, love your life, and dammit... do it now.


"Walk In Love" - A photo of my new friend Jen, who will be introducing me into the world of "polistic" living- which is described on her Facebook as "Holistic Health with a Spin" She is a "Holistic Health Coach with An Emphasis on Pole Fitness & Juicing" I'm so thrilled to have an opportunity to try out something fun and new in a time when I'm really completely focused on me, my life, and what's really important... I'm excited to see what all this is about!!

Here's to being happy, healthy, and loving life... <3

I've been hesitant to talk about my stance on health care reform. While its something I feel so very passionate about, its a can of worms I haven't wanted to open. Everyone's got an opinion on it, and I certainly don't have the time to take on changing anyone's mind here.

What I will say is that I have a story, and its been ongoing for many years. Growing up with a single parent, I was covered by my state's Medicaid program which took very good care of me. I could see a doctor, get a prescription, or even visit the hospital for very little cost. This program is available for my daughter, and I am happy to take full advantage of it for as long as my income level will allow. As a single parent, I am so grateful that this program exists.

Its not that I can't afford health insurance, its that I place more importance on other things in my life. I know that's why so many people jump to say "well that's your fault then" but really... I'd rather be able to have the money in my checking account to buy my daughter new shoes or to grab a box of tampons. I'm not so poor that I can't afford to have insurance, I just can't afford anything else on top of it because its simply not in the budget. I, like many Americans (not just single moms) am tightly budgeted in order to maintain a comfortable lifestyle. And by comfortable I don't mean $20 shampoo and organic milk, I mean "the electric will stay on this month and we're going to downgrade the cable for a little while but we're making it, kiddo!" If you choose to say that I'm irresponsible for this, I invite you to trade places for a bit. Come over here and check out this balancing act... if you're not convinced, you can kindly screw yourself... its hard work.

Its so frustrating for me to hear friends of mine talk about health care reform because 9 times out of 10 the people who are the biggest objectors are those that have never prayed for Tuesday to come so they could wait in line at the free clinic to get antibiotics they desperately needed LAST Tuesday. Its a bullshit system, but I'll never be one to knock it because its the only option for so many people.

My income level meets the requirements to receive state food/housing assistance but I choose not to take it simply because I don't feel like I need it. If I can afford to have cable, I can afford to pay for my own groceries. We simply can't afford to look at healthcare the same way. It should be every person's right to be properly treated and receive the same good quality care regardless of income level. Spend some time in the local health unit waiting room and tell me that its not necessary to have adequate coverage for all people. Talk to me about how you propose we get people who can't otherwise afford the level of care they deserve treatment to help them live better and longer... no one has a magic fix here, but public health care is and has been working in other countries, why are we so afraid it won't work here?

It all comes down to money, and that's such a damn shame. Its been said time and time again that we'll build a terrible system in which doctors have no motivation to treat patients well, and that's simply not true. We're spending so much time fighting over who's right and wrong, would we still be fighting about this if no one was making money off of either solution? Do we really place such a high value on money that we're comfortable admitting we care more about the financial implications of this change than we do fair and even care for all people? Why are we only focusing on money and not considering the most important aspect of the whole fight: how do we make sure that every American can receive quality care?

Long story very short, I suffer from chronic back pain and at the age of 25, find myself incapable of standing or sitting for long periods of time at least once or twice a month. Instead of undergoing the disc repair programs outlined by numerous chiropractors, or surgery recommended by my doctor, I depend on muscle relaxers, pain medications, and Cortizone shots to make it through the rough patches. Its absolutely no way to live, but I'm lucky in that my pain level is manageable most of the time. I cannot be treated for this problem since I don't have insurance which means I have to be very creative in how I go about pain management. Its not ideal, but I can't afford for this to become a pre-existing condition before I get decent insurance.

The frustration of having to deal with constant pain and no permanent or affordable solution only makes it harder to get well. I'm not saying that I know for certain that the current administration's proposed changes would make it better, but hell, something's gotta give here. I'm frustrated and discouraged by the state of things, and I truly believe that all Americans deserve affordable, quality health care without the worry of pre-existing conditions and high deductibles. I'm watching anxiously to see how everything unfolds, because I need to have hope that at some point I can walk into a doctor's office and receive a real solution.

We need this change, and we've got to make it happen.

There's been a whole lot of change this summer, starting in May when we officially returned from cottage-life and Texas, and moved into a cozy little house right in the middle of town. Our new house is lovely, and is finally starting to feel like a home... and one that makes me mighty proud, at that. I've put a ton of work into it over the summer, and its really starting to show. One of these days I might even get around to posting some pictures of all of the progress, but for now... take my word for it- it has come a long way and it looks awesome.

Bean girl is now 18 months old. A whole 1.5 years, and she's just getting more adorable by the day. She's talking so much more, every day she's doing something new. Yesterday we made cupcakes and this morning she walked up to the fridge and said "cupcake, mommy" which of course, is really hard to resist, no matter how wrong it is to eat cupcakes for breakfast!! Currently she is sleeping, which has afforded me a tiny bit of time to hop online and tell you all that I have officially returned... but not too much, as I have lots of work to do!

Work is amazing. I can't even express how amazed I am. I'm feeling truly blessed that I've had a constant stream of work since June, when I officially opened Lush Innovative Design. I have other designers sending me referrals and I'm still working with my mom's company which is keeping me incredibly busy.

I had a back injury earlier this summer... actually that makes it sound like I did something traumatic and hurt my back, when in fact, I think it was just a culmination of too many years of neglecting myself. I've been meaning to get into the chiropractor, to walk more, to get my hind-end off of the couch on a more regular basis... blah blah blah... but last month it caught up with me. I was couch/bed bound for over a week, and drugged out of my mind for a reasonable amount of time. I'm feeling back to good, and working hard to keep it in shape. No more down time for me, there's too much fun in this world for me to be stuck on the couch!

This week I got to do something that I've been dreaming about since high school. I got to see Ani DiFranco in concert. I know, I know, crunchy hippie jokes start right about here... but seriously. I have been a huge Ani fan for a lot of years, and I was thrilled to death when I found out she was coming to my town, and that I was able to go! Husband-pants begrudgingly accompanied me to the show, and actually enjoyed it as well (shh, don't tell the guys) not necessarily because of her songs, as he's not a big fan of folk music, but his first remark was about her awesome stage presence, and I completely and totally agree. It was an incredible show and she has an amazing energy that shined through the whole place. Her daughter was born last January, and one of the songs off of her new album was especially amazing to me. I feel like this song was written for me, my mom, and every mom I know.

Present/Infant ~ Ani DiFranco

lately I've been glaring into mirrors, picking myself apart
you'd think at my age I'd have thought of something better to do
than make insecurity into a full time job
make insecurity into an art
yes and I fear my life will be over
and I will have never lived it unfettered
always glaring into mirrors, mad I don't look better

but now here is this tiny baby
and they say she looks just like me
and she is smiling at me
with that present infant glee
and I would defend to the ends of the earth
her perfect right to be

so I'm beginning to see some problems
with the ongoing work of my mind
and I've got myself a new mantra
it says "don't forget to have a good time"
don't let the sellers of stuff
power enough to rob you of your grace

love is all over the place
there's nothing wrong with your face

love is all over the place
there's nothing wrong with your face


Listen to it here (track #3)


Also, keep on scrolling. I tried my best to catch you guys up a little on what the last month or so has looked like for me. <3>