I never meant to be a single mom.

My mom was a single mom... still is, in fact. She raised us on her own, without the every-other-weekend break and oftentimes, without any financial support at all. My dad wasn't a bad man by any means, he just wasn't a "dad" and by the time he realized it, I was grown. My mom never remarried. She's a single woman and a mother, and there's no confusion over her title. She is a single mother, through and through. Am I one, though?

I remember my first love. Do you?
His name was Justin and he was an odd duck. He was my first real, mom-sanctioned boyfriend. We went on dates and I'd ride the bus home with him sometimes, a huge responsibility my mom told me... and one I took very seriously. She was very protective but she liked Justin... everyone did! He was funny and unpredictable and complimented my spontaneous Leo spirit quite well. He dyed his hair and listened to Radiohead. He lived with his mom in a trailer park and didn't know his dad.

I remember laying in his bed after school, making out and listening to music when we heard the front door open. I nervously jumped out of bed. He stayed laying there, totally relaxed, and asked me what was wrong. I began listing all of the things that were "wrong" and at the age of 15, laying in bed with a boy was pretty high on that list. "Wouldn't your mom get mad?" I asked, and he laughed. "She doesn't care, come lay back down" and I did. Laying there I couldn't wrap my mind around it... she didn't mind us laying in bed together? The concept blew my young mind. My mom wasn't terribly strict, but Jesus! That would never fly.

As I got to know his mom over the months that we dated, I realized he was right... she didn't care if we laid in bed together, or if we stayed out too late, or if we didn't come home at all. In fact, there wasn't much she did care about. His mom worked at a factory and drank vodka straight from the plastic bottle. She kept her dildo in the dish drainer and took the Lord's name in vain. Her skin had no softness left, she always smelled like smoke and sex.

Justin and I had been anxiously waiting for the opening night of Fight Club and we begged my mom to take us to the theater. She couldn't, so we asked his mom. She said she'd be glad to as long as we'd buy her a ticket. I smelled the vodka on her and knew she had her little bottle tucked away in her purse. He begrudgingly agreed, but only if she'd sit somewhere else. We sat on the very last row, holding hands and watching the movie intently until suddenly she stood up and started screaming at me. Yelling names that even to this day make me blush, accusing us of having sex in the theater. As she ran towards me I looked at him and burst into tears. We were both confused, as we'd been so intent in watching the movie we hadn't even kissed! She grabbed us by our arms and pulled us into the lobby, scolding us loudly the whole way. I was shocked and humiliated.

It was then that I realized just as my dad never was a "dad" his mom was definitely not a "mom". Single or not, there was no "mother" to her aside from the fact that she at one point birthed a child. There's such an enormous difference in the title and the job, and though his situation was much more explosive than mine, he had no control over that relationship, just as I didn't. It became clear what our bond was from the start.

My mom took on the role of both parents not because she wanted to, but because it was her job. I'm very lucky in that I have Marshall's help raising our daughter... I don't have to be a dad, I just have to be a really good mama. Its a mentality, an active effort every day to be just... more.

At what point though, am I no longer a "single" mama? I mean, technically... I'm not "single" since I have a boyfriend, but I am still a single mom through and through. The numerous classifications within the title are what have me confused. Am I single, partnered/coupled, formerly-single? What if my boyfriend has virtually nothing to do with how I raise my daughter? Does it come down to his impact on decision making and his literal presence in her life? Do I decide or do other people?

My boyfriend, though a fantastic father himself, has very little to do with how I raise Miss Bean. He suggests an earlier bedtime for her and could color with her for hours, but all decisions relating to her are between her dad and I. He doesn't do my dishes or watch my daughter... not because I don't trust him to do so, and hell- I'd take help with the dishes anyday, but he just doesn't. And its not even that we don't have that kind of relationship... he's just an incredibly busy guy. Between 3 kids & work, he's pretty much not up for doing anyone's dishes but his own and that's fine by me. I'm capable and responsible for those aspects of my life.

He does support me though... and I don't mean he's paying my rent (though if need be, he'd gladly do it I have a feeling) I mean he listens to me cry and reassures me when I need it. He makes things better, and he strives to make me smile. Yesterday was an incredibly tough day because of a miscommunication with Bean girl's dad which ruined our plans of spending the day hanging out all together. I was downright sad, feeling sorry for myself, and he was wholly supportive through every bit of it. That's a huge advantage in my opinion.

If he did do my dishes and watch my kid would I be less of a single mom?

If at some point this road leads us to living together and/or marriage, will I still be a single mom?

What if I'm still doing my own dishes and watching my kid more than his?

A couple of my favorite bloggers have already discussed this (Martini Mom | One Smarmy Mama), but I want to hear your thoughts as well...

At what point am I no longer a "single" mom, or if since I am no longer with the father of my daughter, will I always be one?

Some opinions from my Facebook:

Heather Kendrick Gerlaugh is a single mama with a boyfriend. Does that mean I'm still a ''single mom'' ? Blog in the works...

2 hours ago via Mobile Web · Comment · Like

Melissa

My first inclination is "yes"... Until you are married again or living together as a married couple then you are a single mom (with a boyfriend)... Now you just have a longer title!

2 hours ago · Delete

Danielle

technically...pretty much. Then again, it all kind of plays into how much of the child rearing is the boyfriend doing also. I'm in the same boat. I am still technically a "single mom" but we have been working as a unit lately but at this point the major decisions are still mine to make...until we're in a position where we aren't living separately and such I guess I have that position...though we do discuss a lot of things and his input is greatly considered and we pretty much work everything out as if we were all living as a family at this point. It's going to be there soon and we're just in transition phases now.

2 hours ago · Delete

Jamie

Yep, until you are married again can you be classified as anything but single, on paperwork boyfriends dont count for much except maybe emergency contacts.

2 hours ago · Delete

Travis

that's a tough call. maybe it depends on how many decisions he is involved in about the kiddo.

2 hours ago · Delete

Erin

Yes, you are a single Mom, in my opinion. The main care-taking for kiddo comes from you -- the "single" refers to parenting by yourself (in partnership with you ex, I know, but still)! My hat goes off to you -- it's tough work!

2 hours ago · Delete

Lauran

Single until you file joint tax returns and/or you share insurance.

2 hours ago · Delete

Ronald

You most certainly are! You are just getting more help now!

2 minutes ago · Delete

I changed my "relationship status" on Facebook this week. A simple action, but lordy be! what a response! I had emails, comments, text messages... all wondering who, when, what!? I laughed, amazed at how curious everyone was... but one email struck me. A good friend asked "Seriously? YOU are in a relationship, and you're admitting it for all of Facebook to see? This guy must be something special, that's a big step for you!" For me- What did she mean!? I talk about my vagina on Twitter, its not like I'm a private person at all! And was it really a big step? I mean, its just the internet for christ sakes... but the more I thought about it, the bigger it seemed. I had officially taken myself off the market. Whoa. Maybe I hadn't thought this through...

You see, its all quite complicated. I started dating following my separation, completely opposed to the idea of a serious relationship. I was determined to date and enjoy the single life completely. There were a few boys I spent more time with, but all ended up being rather disappointing. There was the "your only problem is that you're a mom" dude, the flaky artsy boy who drank, the total liar, then the highly motivated yet indecisive boy who I regrettably got in over my head with, (at which point he promptly skeedaddled) who left me wondering wtf I was doing to myself. After that, I had to stop... I quit dating and started focusing on figuring out what I wanted.

I'd previously said "single moms just want to have fun" which I still think is reasonable, but its a temporary thing. Single moms, just like all ladies, get to a point where they're ready and I was there. I was tired of crying over guys who weren't even thinking about me, and I decided it wouldn't happen anymore. I started focusing on changing: on being a more confident, beautiful, well-mannered lady, someone any guy would want to be with. Then I realized that was a giant crock of shit. I am confident, very beautiful, and well... my manners are intact but honesty and frankness have gotten me this far.



I was ready, I was worthy, and I was downright lonely. Take Your Kids to Dickson came along, and I spent a month working insane hours preparing for the most successful thing I've ever done. I was humbled, looking out over the crowds... seeing so many families there enjoying everything we'd planned. I knew I'd accomplished something incredible, and I was so proud. Thousands of people, but as I walked up the street with my daughter I couldn't have felt more alone. She and I were there together, watching the families... moms, dads, kids, and my eyes welled up with tears. I wasn't giving her the life I wanted for her... for us. I was trying, but it all seemed farther away than I was comfortable with.

I found myself a little freaked out, knowing what I wanted gave everything a different feel. I knew I couldn't settle, something I'd been doing every time since I started dating. I knew I wanted to be in love, I was tired of worrying about whether I was coming on too strong, counting rings before I could answer my phone, none of that made sense to me anyhow. As a grown woman with a child, I simply couldn't play games like a normal 25 year old. I was so disappointed with my dating experiences, but when considering who I'd been seeing was it any wonder? I wasn't dating a man because I wanted to fall in love and build a lasting relationship, I was dating because I wanted to be appreciated for more than my sidewalk chalk, project management, design and diaper changing skills. As a hard-working single mom, I just wanted to not have to figure out what I wanted.

Luckily, that worked out pretty well. I met the boy professionally a while back, a simple meeting to discuss a potential project. We wound up sitting around talking about divorce, kids, dating, our families, side projects... we both remarked later about how strangely comfortable we were talking to each other, though he teased me for being so nervous. I didn't bid on the project, and we continued talking often. Neither of us intended for things to develop and when they did, the timing couldn't have been more wrong. They say though that when you stop looking it finds you... and that's definitely the case here.



I sat watching TV after bean girl had gone to bed last night, and Jerry Maguire came on. I never understood why my mom always cried when she watched that movie until now. As a single mom, everything is different. I realized just what I'd been doing wrong: the silly games that go along with dating just don't fly with us. We expect more, we want and need love in a way that non-mamas just don't, and I didn't fully understand that when I was trying to force relationships with boys with no desire to actually get involved. Single mamas fall hard, when we realize its there we are fully involved. I realized that what I've been feeling is a very different kind of lonely than I'd ever known, and I was wearing my Brave-Little-Toaster-pants hoping not to get hurt but failing at it. I wanted a boy to understand and appreciate all of me, and I wanted to feel comfortable sharing that.



I'm fully involved, and I'm thrilled about it. Taking myself off the market wasn't as difficult as I'd imagined when I met someone who caught my attention and kept it. A dad himself, he understood from the start what I wanted and needed (even when I didn't). In not trying to say the right things, he won me over completely with an honesty and frankness I'd craved without realizing. It comes as no surprise to any of you that I'm an open book. I put everything on the line, take it or leave it there I am. I opened myself up and for the first time didn't fight the uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach saying "this isn't a good idea, mama" I wanted this, and he did too. With that comes a certain air of caution, for ourselves, our hearts, our kids... was it safe to give into the excitement of something that seemed so... genuine? Its a strange time for both of us, so we initially resisted the idea of starting a relationship, but things have developed naturally despite our hesitation, and here we are.

So here I am, admitting that I'm nuts about a boy and for once, I am so fully appreciated, just as I am. Imperfect and impulsive, bossy and idealistic, he looks at me with a sense of wonder.

Thank you for that, mister.




Also, a huge thank you to Ms. Single Mama who works so hard to provide support and insight. Reading about your love with John Bear is inspiring and exciting. Congratulations, lady. Thank you for helping us sort out all of this crazy dating stuff and allowing us to peek in on your life, you are incredible.
You want to see what the boy is doing right? Here's a good list from Ms. Single Mama herself:
How to Date a Single Mom

Ashley and I, bringing some fun to single mom-dom

I feel like I'm starting to become somewhat of an expert on single parent dating... it seems its only right of me to share some of my wisdom. There are so many misconceptions about what single moms want out of relationships so let me enlighten you... single moms want to have fun. We're thrillseekers, living on love and giggles. We are experts at play... we love fun and we simply can't get enough of it. Yes, being a single mom is tough, but its also one hell of an adventure. Very simply, we know what we want, and that's someone to adventure along with us.

There was no lack of sex in my marriage. My ex-husband and I both agree, in fact, that sex was not a factor in our divorce. If anything, it was part of the reason we stayed together as long as we did... Though at the ripe ol' age of (almost) 25 I find myself divorced, thinner than I was the last time I was a single woman, and completely ready to have some fun.


Yes, that's right... fun. I'm not looking to fall madly in love, to have a serious relationship, to settle down, to get married and pop out more kiddos... I'm simply looking to enjoy myself, and I don't see a damn thing wrong with that. You see, I realized something very important when I became a mom... on the whole, adults are entirely too serious. We spend our time planning and calculating, making grocery lists in our heads and dreaming of vacations from our mundane lives. We all do it, but we didn't always.

Do something for me... find a toddler. A 2 or 3 year old, find them and ask them a simple question: "Do you want to play?" You'd be hard pressed to find one that'd say no. Kids live to play, they love fun more than anything. The toy industry is thriving despite recalls and unfavorable economic conditions simply because play is important! As a single mom I spend at least half of my day just playing... watching the little one every day reminds me to just relax, enjoy the moment, and have fun at all times. I knew I was on the right track when a friend said "I like your excitement over the simplest things"


When I started dating again I became very familiar with "what are you looking for?" ...its everyone's favorite icebreaker. Its a tough question, the first few times I really struggled through it, explaining that I was fresh out of a divorce, not quite ready to start another relationship, a busy girl with very little time to invest into a relationship, a mom who always put her kiddo first... but I've since realized what I actually am looking for, and that's to just have some fun.

I recently woke up in bed with a man, it was a beautiful day with sunlight peeking through the blinds, and as I sat up in bed I could feel him looking at my backside so I turned to look at him. I was startled a little when I realized how intently he was taking in every bit, watching me as I fixed my messy hair and began to dress, his eyes fixed on my hips and breasts, I felt so truly beautiful... in my most basic form I was sharing myself with another person, and it was so intensely satisfying. Much more than touching or kissing, this was a different kind of lovemaking. I felt appreciated in a way that I hadn't in so very long... and now I'm hooked.


I want to play, dance, flirt, laugh and feel to the fullest extent... I want to know that I'm bringing joy to someone's life, while also taking some for myself! I want to eat up all of the thrills and leave everything else for another day. The greatest sexual revolution of my life thus far began when I started acting like a kid again.

I'm not shutting myself off from falling in love, in fact I'd love to fall head over heels and see it being a very real possibility in the future, but on my terms... When I'm good and ready. When I get into a relationship again, it will be one based on a mutual appreciation of fun, play, and daily adventures. It'll be someone who turns me on without even trying, who knows just what to say or do to make me melt, but most importantly someone who shares my love and excitement for the little things in life.

For now though... I'm just going to keep enjoying myself.