You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. -Buddha

Oh kids, let me tell you about a woman I love so dearly.

My friend Danelle makes my heart swell in a way I can't even begin to explain! She has such a bright, honest soul and I can't thank God enough for her presence in my life. I got to see her today for the first time in a while... she moved to California over a year ago, and though we keep in touch online and I promise often to go visit her, I haven't seen her since.

Seeing her today was so fulfilling because of her boundless love and affection. This girl hugs with her whole soul, something I can say of very few people I've ever met.

She stood today hugging me, caressing my hair and telling me how amazing and beautiful and talented I am, and it was all I could do to blink the tears away, knowing that in all of my self-doubt, all of my worry and stress... someone so real, so full of passion and reason, thinks so highly of me.

Self-esteem has never been my strong suit. In Jr High I saw myself as incredibly fat. I had been warned starting at a young age about eating disorders, but I was intrigued... later realizing that the control aspect was the most attractive, I struggled with bulimia for years... yo-yo-ing between slightly overweight and completely normal, always wanting to be thinner. By the time I was in college it was a full-blown problem. I'd eat very little throughout the day but polish off more Taco Bell than they should even be allowed to sell to one damn person... spending the rest of my evening attacking my esophagus and ego, feeling no better about myself when I went to bed... and seeing very little results on the scale.


Senior Year of High School. What a fatdumbass, right?


I used to joke that I wasn't committed enough to be anorexic. I really loved food, hell- I still do! I couldn't fathom skipping meals and obsessively counting calories. Bulimia was the ultimate control for me: I ate exactly what I damn well pleased, and I didn't gain any weight from it. Take that, Slim Fast!


Senior Year of High School again

What took me years to realize is that I was deeply depressed and so very uncertain of myself. I had no idea who I was, or who I wanted to be... just that I wanted to be thin, pretty, and different than I was. I wanted to win my ex-boyfriend's affection, my friend's approval, respect and admiration. My mom's self-esteem pep-talks did me no good, and I did a good job of hiding my problem (outside of a few friends who were keeping some pretty hefty secrets of their own). The depression took an enormous toll, and when I quit school I had to come to terms with it. I spent a summer living with my mom, not working, and painting. It was the most important thing I could've done for myself, and even though I wanted so much to be out on my own as an adult, I knew it was good for me to take time to just figure out how to be OK first.

I stopped throwing up, first off... and it was a good thing, too. Later that fall, I had severe issues with esophageal erosions, due to years of mistreating the poor thing. I didn't eat for days and boy was I pissed- all of those years of hurting myself in order to eat how I wanted and here I was "better" and couldn't eat!? It was torture. That's when I gained all the weight, but in doing so I didn't struggle more with my self-esteem issues, I found pride and joy in my body regardless... much more than I'd found when I was thinner. I started seeing myself as beautiful, my curves as sexy, and all of that together made me one hell of a force to be reckoned with.

Upon losing the weight, I'd like to just say... watch out. Sitting on the couch talking with the boyfriend the other night, I found myself amazed at the changes I'd made, not just since my days of daily cookie tossing... but even from a few months ago. I went into this relationship self-assured, certain that regardless of what happened I was worthy of love and admiration. For once I wasn't concerned with the ex-boyfriend, or that cute guy at the bar... I was focused on me in all of my frickin' glory. Its been fun, and its been genuine, and I honestly believe its why I'm so darn happy with this silly boy.


That being said, silly boy and I took our kids to the park today to visit with Danelle before she went back to California. He asked me last night who she was, and I told him very honestly...

She's the first mom who I ever trusted completely the first time I met her... she was so frazzled, and exhausted, and radiantly beautiful. Not because her hair was perfect, or her makeup took an hour, but because dammit, she was mama! she had smiles and belly-laughs as readily available as her furrowed brow and heartfelt 'i'm sorrys' and she threw those stern mama-eyes like i'd never seen! I knew that deep down, that's what every mom aspired to be... absolutely comfortable in every aspect of her (very difficult) job, even though she could've really used a nap... and a cocktail. Her shiny dark hair and beautiful body were secondary to the amazing kindness and honesty radiating from her at all times.

Sitting at her kitchen table drinking wine and sharing stories as our kids played around us is something I'll always remember. She taught me so much by just being... and I definitely needed a reminder today. I spend so much of my life so caught up in the daily stresses... worrying about money constantly, working too much, playing too little... letting other people control my happiness, my perception of myself... its all so ridiculous. Negative thoughts and actions breed negativity, and I can't let any of that be a priority in my life for even a moment. Don't be angry over things you can't change, don't look in the mirror with sadness, just live and love and cut out all the rest of that noise. Thank you, Danelle, for reminding me to enjoy life in its entirety... to love myself as much as you do. I'm going to work hard to keep this love and light flowing.

Love yourself, love your life, and dammit... do it now.


"Walk In Love" - A photo of my new friend Jen, who will be introducing me into the world of "polistic" living- which is described on her Facebook as "Holistic Health with a Spin" She is a "Holistic Health Coach with An Emphasis on Pole Fitness & Juicing" I'm so thrilled to have an opportunity to try out something fun and new in a time when I'm really completely focused on me, my life, and what's really important... I'm excited to see what all this is about!!

Here's to being happy, healthy, and loving life... <3

I have successfully held my tongue throughout election season. I'm sure many of you at this point have no idea who I even voted for, I really figured that was the best way to do things. I honestly didn't feel that passionate about this election, as much as I wanted to, I just couldn't get into it. Don't get me wrong, I'm utterly thrilled with the outcome. I do believe that Obama will be a catalyst for change for our country. I'm not one to buy into the amazing hope that so many of us have right now that he'll be able to turn this country around simply because he is a charismatic leader with huge ideas, and now the power to make them happen. I have never and will never be able to place that kind of faith in our government. What I am excited about, and what I hope you are as well, is how invested the American people are in the process. This is history that we're making, and we're all thrilled about it. Record voter turnouts, young and old Americans alike working together for a common goal... we needed this. More than we needed any certain person in the white house, we needed something to get involved in. We needed to feel like we could make something big happen.

And we did! Even if you didn't vote for our president-elect you made this happen. By watching, listening, learning, we were responsible for the fire we all felt walking into our polling places, for the butterflies in all of our stomachs last Tuesday night... And that is amazing. I voted with my daughter on my lap, explaining to her what was happening while filling in my bubbles because even at her young age, I wanted her to own a part of this. I made a big dinner, opened up a bottle of wine, and sat watching the smiles and the tears and the pride on the faces of people just like me all over our nation. I hope to never forget it. For the first time in my adult life, I feel like this was MY America.

Unfortunately there was a dark shadow cast over that incredible night as I watched the election results for Proposition 8 (California) and Act 1 (Arkansas) with a sad heart. Clicking refresh every few minutes on the election result sites, I grew fearful that MY America would let me down... and it did. I was utterly shocked. I couldn't honestly believe that in this day and age, in a country that is making so much forward movement, overcoming so much of the hatred and ignorance that has fueled years of oppression for our own people, that we still feel the need to place our thumb on a group of our citizens. People living and working in our communities do not have the same rights as I do, simply because we feel self-important enough to stand on the ground of religion and tell them they are not allowed to do something as basic as marry the person they choose or foster and adopt children who need loving homes. Who in the world do we think we are?

The people of California voted to take away the most fundamental human right... to love unabashedly, no matter who you are. We sure think we're incredibly special, don't we? I love God and I love America. I own guns, I speak freely, and I married who I wanted when I wanted because it was my right. I take all of that for granted on a daily basis because these are rights that are protected by law, they won't be snatched away. Gay people do not have the same rights now, we the people have turned up our noses and snatched it away because of fear. We're scared that redefining marriage will destroy its sanctity. We are honestly trying to say we are working to protect an institution with a 50% success rate... in my very humble opinion, our stats aren't looking so great as is- some redefinition certainly couldn't hurt!

If I wanted to foster or adopt a child, I could do it. These are my rights, and I appreciate them more than I'll ever be able to express. I can't imagine having them taken away simply because I fell in love with someone that the state didn't approve of. I cringe at the thought of the foster children who will be taken from the parents that love them, straight or gay, simply because we'd like to say that's what God wants. The Family Council had this to say...

I really believe that it was God’s divine providence and your hard work that made this day possible. From the beginning, I believed that we could pass the Adoption Act handily—but I knew it would only be through prayer and perseverance. Today, after almost 2 years of working on this issue, I can honestly say that we’ve all won. Because of your dedication, children will be placed in better homes. Because of your determination, a gay agenda that our opponents brought to Arkansas has been put on its heels. This is a good day for Arkansas, and you have a right to feel proud to be a part of something so significant.

Who is the family council to assume that our marital state determines our worth as parents? I. Call. Bullshit. Is this group really broadcasting that unmarried couples are providing a sub-par life for their children? That's certainly the most offensive sweeping generalization that I've ever heard. Why are we not shouting from the rooftops here!?! Oh yeah, its because we're talking about gay people. Gay parents couldn't possibly be as loving and supportive as straight ones, we couldn't possibly let them provide for children who need it the most, its got to be beyond their capabilities. Does anyone else find this as ridiculous as I do? I mean really!? We voted to limit the rights of gays in Arkansas, and in the process left so many casualties along the way. Now straight unmarried couples simply do not have the option, and most importantly... these children are losing their chance for a loving family.

What upsets me the most is that a majority of Arkansans feel the same way. That in the state I love, 57% of people were so terrified of gay people that they voted to take away their most important right... to have a family. That is simply horrifying. To do it on the grounds of religion is unspeakable, and makes me ashamed for those of you who feel comfortable citing Jesus when shamefully and openly hating and oppressing a fellow person that God made and loves. The God that lives in my heart loves universally, always has, always will.

I am both thrilled and saddened by the choices of my fellow Americans. I am disheartened that this form of hate has been deemed acceptable in today's society... these are not God's values, these are not my values. It is absolutely disgusting and shameful. In this time of change, I pray that the people of my country can embrace the love and light inside of us, and that the balance will be shifted so that ALL people, gay or straight, married or unmarried, will have the rights and liberties that they deserve.

Keith Olbermann said it best (as always), and left me in tears, when speaking about Prop 8. This isn't about yelling, this isn't about politics, its about the human heart.


Even if you're not a fan of Keith Olbermann, or if you don't have any investment in this issue, what he has to say is profound and relevant for every single person. I hope you enjoy this as much as I did. (Read here if you prefer)