I have a number of unreasonable phobias. Spiders, confinement, heights... you know, normal stuff. I know a spider is a tiny creature that is much more terrified of me than I am of him, and that the scary flutter I get in my chest when I look down and see the ground uncomfortably far from me isn't really necessary, but the fear is there nonetheless.

I have even sillier phobias, like my very real fear that I'll someday find a snake in my toilet bowl...


...or my absolutely inexplicable fear of tall people... these are not normal things and I know this. Though from the looks of it, I'm not the only one who thinks about toilet snakes.

My biggest fear though, is the fear of being a bad parent.

I see them all the time... moms & dads yelling at their kids, belittling them, or simply neglecting them. I worry that I won't nurture little Marti Pearl's spirit in the way I've always intended and that terrifies me. I worry that she'll inherit my self-esteem issues or that she won't keep the amazing spark I see in her every day. I worry that I don't spend enough time playing and truly enjoying our time together, without my laptop or cell phone in hand. I worry that she doesn't think I'm fun.



I know full well that I can't protect her in every instance, and that I can't be there for her all the time... especially now that her dad and I aren't together anymore. I understand that at some point there will be another woman introduced into her life for real, and that she'll spend time with another "mom" ...a concept that I am ok with, but deep down opens up a thousand questions and insecurities, but this is our life. Her life, my life, and I am responsible for every moment of it in my decisions and actions.

Isn't that fricking scary?
I mean down right terrifying?

Because everything we say and do is the length and shadow of our own souls, our influence is determined by the quality of our being.” -Dale E. Turner

My daughter is already such a person. She tells stories and delights in making me laugh, and she's WONDERFUL. Every moment, even the challenging ones, are beautiful because she's such a reflection of the good, innocent, real parts of me. I think that's what its all about...


“Be not angry that you cannot make others as you wish them to be, since you cannot make yourself as you wish to be.” -Thomas Kempis

We have bad days, live stressful lives, overwhelm ourselves, deal with things we'd rather not... In many instances, so many of the things we dealt with when we were teenagers have just mutated into bigger, busier, more stressful things. Divorce is hard. Breakups suck. In fact, I'd say they suck just as much now as they did when we were in Jr. High School... but we cannot revert to childish behavior and act irresponsibly. We simply do not have the luxury because there is too much depending on our own happiness.

I found myself in pain recently, frustrated because I couldn't find any relief and dreading chasing the toddler through the house just to put her shoes on. I lost my patience, and for what? She didn't know what in the world I was thinking about... she just saw an opportunity to run through the house and entice me to do the same. Who can blame her? Its annoying for us, incredibly fun for them. I immediately felt bad, and apologized to her for losing my patience. I explained that my back hurt and I was frustrated when she ran from me, but that she didn't know, so I was sorry. She lit up, and said "that's ok mommy. I love you. I make you feel better?" which was, in fact, exactly what I needed.


“The strongest influences in my life and my work are always whomever I love. Whomever I love and am with most of the time, or whomever I remember most vividly. I think that's true of everyone, don't you?” -Tennessee Williams

We owe it to our children to be good. Good to ourselves, to our family, but especially our children.

We owe it to them to be adults, and to maintain regardless of hurt or change or difficult times. Its incredibly irresponsible to assume that bad behavior and unhealthy relationships will not be mimicked in our children... and if we are their greatest example then how can we carry on in such a way without being downright neglectful of their very souls?

I worry about being a bad parent not because I treat my child disrespectfully or do things that would be considered taboo, because I just don't. I'm afraid of not realizing I'm being a bad parent because I'm too focused on everything else in my life and the consequences are so awful. I never want her to look back and say "I wish we would've just played more, mom" or "I wish you would smile more" That would break my heart completely.


“Courage is never to let your actions be influenced by your fears.” -Arthur Koestle

Recently, I lost a close friend over a very big argument. Due to my increased workload upon starting my new company I neglected our friendship and hurt her feelings. In an attempt to do the same, she said a lot of things that were very hurtful. Basically, she said that since I was working constantly and my daughter was spending a majority of her nights with her dad that I was a bad mom. I was crushed. In my entire life I had never been so hurt, and even though I knew it wasn't even remotely true, it made me very conscious of my actions. I was constantly second-guessing my decisions and word choices, wondering if she was right.

What I found was support, and acceptance, and resounding proof that she was so very wrong. My friends and family were shocked, but they were supposed to be on my side. My over-analyzing and soul searching led me back to Marti Pearl. She's such a happy, loving, well-adjusted child. She spends her time hugging and singing and blowing kisses, she would easily be the happy-go-lucky kid suckered into the back of a van and stolen forever (yet another HUUUGE fear) because she trusts everyone completely. The stinky guy at Wal-Mart scratching himself in the cracker aisle is just as much an opportunity to see and know another person as any other, there's not even a small sense of discrimination there. She's a trip. Seriously.

My boyfriend, knowing I was concerned about it said to me one night that the most attractive thing about me was my dedication to my daughter... and he's right. She's my everything, and I can't imagine my life any other way. I treat her like an adult, a partner in crime if you will... and she acts accordingly most of the time. Its hard remembering she's only 2 sometimes. He told me to stop worrying, that my daughter was a wonderful reflection of me and that I was doing just fine.

We worry about what a child will become tomorrow, yet we forget that he is someone today. -Stacia Tauscher

Last week Bean girl walked in tapping away on a calculator. When I asked what she was doing she said "I'm textin, mama!" ...a clear sign that I needed to put down the phone.

Sometimes we need reminding... hell, sometimes we need a smack right upside our head so that we always remember who is watching us. Our tears and angry words are constantly being measured just like our smiles and belly laughs, every single moment. I'm not afraid of that by any means because I know we're coming out on top.

I know I'm not a bad parent... just like I know my toilet is snake-free at this very moment, but perhaps its those unfounded and ridiculous fears just add to us being unique interesting people and parents.

I'm still completely baffled by my fear of tall people and don't think that's adding to my value at all.

Tomorrow, my divorce announcement runs in the paper. Yes, divorce announcement... I'm still technically married. In fact, we might not even be officially divorced before our 3rd wedding anniversary, even though we started our separation process before our 2nd. Due to finances and enormous changes within both of our lives, we've had to delay the most basic part of this whole process... the paperwork. We're both looking forward to having everything official, even though realistically, its been that way for a very long time.

Its been bittersweet, and we did things very differently than any other couple I've ever met... but really how haven't we been different? From beginning to end, we set our own course.

When Bean-girl came along, I'd been working from home for a few months. I enjoyed my work tremendously and worked very hard, even with an infant attached to my breast all day. When Marshall and I split I faced the sad realization that I couldn't support myself and Bean-girl as a single mom work-at-home freelance graphic designer who blogs on the side. (Phew, I'm tired just typing that.) I've had to work very hard to grow my business while still being a really stellar mama, and he has sacrificed his wants for our needs. I pride myself in sleeping little, accomplishing much, and not giving up despite no real sense of financial security. Its gotten me far, but I could never have done it without Marshall. He's made it possible for me to continue staying home with our daughter and doing what I love, despite the end of our marriage. I am so very lucky, and so very grateful.

Marshall, you're one of my closest friends and forever will be such an important part of my life. We obviously weren't meant to be together, but you gave me a gift I never expected to have... one that has turned my life so very upside down, and I love you for it. From the day we found out Miss Marti Pearl was on her way, I knew I'd found my purpose in this life, and I could never thank you enough. I know you'll accomplish the things you've always wanted, and I'm glad that even though we won't be standing side-by-side, I get to watch your life unfold and witness all of the great things you're destined to accomplish.





Its hard not to write all of this with tears in my eyes because of the finality of it all. We made a hell of a team, but we were just too damn young for all of the pressure of being real married adults with a child. We grew up so fast, but we grew into different people than we ever expected to be. With my growing came dreams of bigger things, of independence and self-motivated success. With his, a yearning for a life we didn't have... security, simplicity, and iced tea on the front porch. Even through the toughest times we both realized that we really liked the other person, we just weren't on the same page anymore.


So we've all moved on. This is such an amazing time, a new life complete with a sense of personal success and accomplishment for being able to provide for my daughter and I. We'll be moving into our new house soon, just the two of us. I'm finally making it doing what I love... the independence I've been longing for. My baby has grown into a beautiful girl who sings me songs and kisses me on the cheek just to see me smile. All of this made sweeter with friends that I can't imagine my life without, a new love, and a newfound self-confidence. I am looking so forward to where this interesting road is taking me. I absolutely love my life right now, and while I feel anxious about the emotional complexities of what's to come, its not as if I'm facing this divorce as a new thing. I've grieved the ending of this relationship privately and openly for over a year now.

My entire "divorce diary" was full as of May. I wrote it in hopes that I'd be able to share it someday, in the form of a book... catty and unemotional at times, overcome with fear and mourning at others. I started it not to chronicle my separation and divorce, but to begin confronting the issues that led to the end of my marriage. As I finished it I realized it would never be something I could show to anyone... its the most deeply private thing I've ever written, embarrassing and therapeutic at the same time. In June I tossed it into the Arkansas River... seemed the only fitting place for all of those secrets to lie.

Marti Pearl will never know of a messy fight over possessions or tight-lipped every-other-weekend hand offs. Her father and I have a fantastic relationship which despite its immeasurable changes, has proven to be stronger than we ever realized. Withstanding this divorce and committing ourselves to a close friendship is more than many couples twice our age can accomplish, and we owe it all to the one with his cheeks and my sassy disposition. Thank you, Marti Pearl... you are truly more powerful than you could possibly realize.

Happy divorce announcement day, Marshall. May the next time I see your name in print be for a happier reason. <3

Ashley and I, bringing some fun to single mom-dom

I feel like I'm starting to become somewhat of an expert on single parent dating... it seems its only right of me to share some of my wisdom. There are so many misconceptions about what single moms want out of relationships so let me enlighten you... single moms want to have fun. We're thrillseekers, living on love and giggles. We are experts at play... we love fun and we simply can't get enough of it. Yes, being a single mom is tough, but its also one hell of an adventure. Very simply, we know what we want, and that's someone to adventure along with us.

There was no lack of sex in my marriage. My ex-husband and I both agree, in fact, that sex was not a factor in our divorce. If anything, it was part of the reason we stayed together as long as we did... Though at the ripe ol' age of (almost) 25 I find myself divorced, thinner than I was the last time I was a single woman, and completely ready to have some fun.


Yes, that's right... fun. I'm not looking to fall madly in love, to have a serious relationship, to settle down, to get married and pop out more kiddos... I'm simply looking to enjoy myself, and I don't see a damn thing wrong with that. You see, I realized something very important when I became a mom... on the whole, adults are entirely too serious. We spend our time planning and calculating, making grocery lists in our heads and dreaming of vacations from our mundane lives. We all do it, but we didn't always.

Do something for me... find a toddler. A 2 or 3 year old, find them and ask them a simple question: "Do you want to play?" You'd be hard pressed to find one that'd say no. Kids live to play, they love fun more than anything. The toy industry is thriving despite recalls and unfavorable economic conditions simply because play is important! As a single mom I spend at least half of my day just playing... watching the little one every day reminds me to just relax, enjoy the moment, and have fun at all times. I knew I was on the right track when a friend said "I like your excitement over the simplest things"


When I started dating again I became very familiar with "what are you looking for?" ...its everyone's favorite icebreaker. Its a tough question, the first few times I really struggled through it, explaining that I was fresh out of a divorce, not quite ready to start another relationship, a busy girl with very little time to invest into a relationship, a mom who always put her kiddo first... but I've since realized what I actually am looking for, and that's to just have some fun.

I recently woke up in bed with a man, it was a beautiful day with sunlight peeking through the blinds, and as I sat up in bed I could feel him looking at my backside so I turned to look at him. I was startled a little when I realized how intently he was taking in every bit, watching me as I fixed my messy hair and began to dress, his eyes fixed on my hips and breasts, I felt so truly beautiful... in my most basic form I was sharing myself with another person, and it was so intensely satisfying. Much more than touching or kissing, this was a different kind of lovemaking. I felt appreciated in a way that I hadn't in so very long... and now I'm hooked.


I want to play, dance, flirt, laugh and feel to the fullest extent... I want to know that I'm bringing joy to someone's life, while also taking some for myself! I want to eat up all of the thrills and leave everything else for another day. The greatest sexual revolution of my life thus far began when I started acting like a kid again.

I'm not shutting myself off from falling in love, in fact I'd love to fall head over heels and see it being a very real possibility in the future, but on my terms... When I'm good and ready. When I get into a relationship again, it will be one based on a mutual appreciation of fun, play, and daily adventures. It'll be someone who turns me on without even trying, who knows just what to say or do to make me melt, but most importantly someone who shares my love and excitement for the little things in life.

For now though... I'm just going to keep enjoying myself.

Whoo! Are y'all still feeling exhausted from the holiday like I am?

Christmas 2008 was an odd one for sure. In light of all of the changes going on in our lives right now, my little family was all over the place. We visited family, celebrated with friends, and traveled to my family's big get-together for a long weekend of excitement.


It was bittersweet, as it was our first Christmas since Marshall and I have split. I was thrilled that we were still able to enjoy the holiday as a family regardless of our differences.


Also, my little sister is graduating this Spring and will be moving away for college, so there was lots of talk about her being gone. While I'm excited for her, I'm still sad when I think about her not being around. I guess the Bean and I will just have to start traveling more often!


Of course Marti Pearl made out like a bandit, we're still unpacking Christmas toys- 1 a day so she stays interested.

New Years came and went without much excitement, as we were packing and preparing for our upcoming cross-town move.


After a long day of packing I got fancied up and went out with my girls, we had a great time and looked pretty darn fabulous if I do say so myself!


January 1st began moving day! It was a long process but we had lots of help from great friends and we're all moved into the new apartment now. Our living situation is very different, but it works well for us. We're all thrilled with the apartment.


See? She seems quite happy!


<3 Happy 2009!

Can I be really honest with you guys for a minute? I mean, really honest...

I feel like I've been censoring myself over my years in blogging, trying to not to reveal too much while still forming bonds with people who are genuinely interested in my life...
I don't want to, and I don't even really know how it happens... its a natural response I suppose. Working in corporate America for years I was warned of my presence online, after hearing stories of people losing their jobs over blogging, I became weary of revealing too much. Its not that I don't trust you people, I just don't want anyone to use my words against me.

Here's what's up though... I have been going through a particularly rough few months, and I feel like its unfair to assume that you guys wouldn't want to hear about it... I mean, you're here for a reason, right?

Husband-pants is no longer husband-pants. He's wearing some not-so-husband-y-pants these days, as we've been separated for a little while. We're currently trying to feel out this separation (the emotional and financial implications of divorce are overwhelming to say the least). In doing so, we've learned quite a bit about each other, relationships, and what we do and don't want out of ourselves, our partner, and our lives. This has needed to happen for a while, and I'm glad to say that we're, for the most part, really happy. In fact, that was our biggest motivation in doing this. We're of the mindset that 2 unhappy parents do not a happy child make.

I can't put a finger on the moment I knew we were too far gone, I think it was a slow realization, one that snuck up on us over time. When it happened though, we tried so hard to resist it. We recommitted ourselves to the lasting marriage we promised each other years ago, but it was only a week or so before the fighting started again, worse than before. It was obvious we weren't going anywhere we wanted to be. After a weekend apart full of reflection we decided a separation would be best for all of us, and we've stuck to it.

So far, its proven very beneficial. In fact, this weekend was spent as a family, the three of us watching movies and hanging out like old days... there was just a different dynamic. Bean girl definitely realizes what's going on, and we kick ourselves for it quite frequently, but we're working on improving our relationship as a family every day, even though our relationship as a couple has come to an end.

With all of that said, its still difficult to move on. Its a long process, I hear, and we're wading through it and sorting out what we're feeling, but its hard. Divorce is a scary thing, and its looming heavily over both of us right now.

I don't regret a day that I've spent with Marshall. I proudly embrace my (not-so) new last name, and all of the changes that came with it. He has helped shape the person I am today... and I actually, for the first time in my life, really love that person. We have achieved impossible and wonderful things in our time together. I hope never to forget the road that brought me to where I am today, regardless of whether I'll be walking down it alone or not.

Thank you, Marsh.
♥