Tomorrow, my divorce announcement runs in the paper. Yes, divorce announcement... I'm still technically married. In fact, we might not even be officially divorced before our 3rd wedding anniversary, even though we started our separation process before our 2nd. Due to finances and enormous changes within both of our lives, we've had to delay the most basic part of this whole process... the paperwork. We're both looking forward to having everything official, even though realistically, its been that way for a very long time.

Its been bittersweet, and we did things very differently than any other couple I've ever met... but really how haven't we been different? From beginning to end, we set our own course.

When Bean-girl came along, I'd been working from home for a few months. I enjoyed my work tremendously and worked very hard, even with an infant attached to my breast all day. When Marshall and I split I faced the sad realization that I couldn't support myself and Bean-girl as a single mom work-at-home freelance graphic designer who blogs on the side. (Phew, I'm tired just typing that.) I've had to work very hard to grow my business while still being a really stellar mama, and he has sacrificed his wants for our needs. I pride myself in sleeping little, accomplishing much, and not giving up despite no real sense of financial security. Its gotten me far, but I could never have done it without Marshall. He's made it possible for me to continue staying home with our daughter and doing what I love, despite the end of our marriage. I am so very lucky, and so very grateful.

Marshall, you're one of my closest friends and forever will be such an important part of my life. We obviously weren't meant to be together, but you gave me a gift I never expected to have... one that has turned my life so very upside down, and I love you for it. From the day we found out Miss Marti Pearl was on her way, I knew I'd found my purpose in this life, and I could never thank you enough. I know you'll accomplish the things you've always wanted, and I'm glad that even though we won't be standing side-by-side, I get to watch your life unfold and witness all of the great things you're destined to accomplish.





Its hard not to write all of this with tears in my eyes because of the finality of it all. We made a hell of a team, but we were just too damn young for all of the pressure of being real married adults with a child. We grew up so fast, but we grew into different people than we ever expected to be. With my growing came dreams of bigger things, of independence and self-motivated success. With his, a yearning for a life we didn't have... security, simplicity, and iced tea on the front porch. Even through the toughest times we both realized that we really liked the other person, we just weren't on the same page anymore.


So we've all moved on. This is such an amazing time, a new life complete with a sense of personal success and accomplishment for being able to provide for my daughter and I. We'll be moving into our new house soon, just the two of us. I'm finally making it doing what I love... the independence I've been longing for. My baby has grown into a beautiful girl who sings me songs and kisses me on the cheek just to see me smile. All of this made sweeter with friends that I can't imagine my life without, a new love, and a newfound self-confidence. I am looking so forward to where this interesting road is taking me. I absolutely love my life right now, and while I feel anxious about the emotional complexities of what's to come, its not as if I'm facing this divorce as a new thing. I've grieved the ending of this relationship privately and openly for over a year now.

My entire "divorce diary" was full as of May. I wrote it in hopes that I'd be able to share it someday, in the form of a book... catty and unemotional at times, overcome with fear and mourning at others. I started it not to chronicle my separation and divorce, but to begin confronting the issues that led to the end of my marriage. As I finished it I realized it would never be something I could show to anyone... its the most deeply private thing I've ever written, embarrassing and therapeutic at the same time. In June I tossed it into the Arkansas River... seemed the only fitting place for all of those secrets to lie.

Marti Pearl will never know of a messy fight over possessions or tight-lipped every-other-weekend hand offs. Her father and I have a fantastic relationship which despite its immeasurable changes, has proven to be stronger than we ever realized. Withstanding this divorce and committing ourselves to a close friendship is more than many couples twice our age can accomplish, and we owe it all to the one with his cheeks and my sassy disposition. Thank you, Marti Pearl... you are truly more powerful than you could possibly realize.

Happy divorce announcement day, Marshall. May the next time I see your name in print be for a happier reason. <3

I'm finally at a size I'm happy with. Its such a strange feeling, and I love it so much. I recently wrote about my weight loss struggles in my advice column, Cattywampus. Updating my before/after pictures was a really awesome experience this time around.





When I went shopping for my birthday dress I honestly had no idea what size I was. I kept grabbing dresses in Large & Medium and they were too big! All of this just weeks after I went out in public in a swimsuit for the first time in years...

I was invited to go to the lake with some friends and I gladly accepted, excited about spending time with some new people and having lots of fun on a boat! The night before, I panicked- wtf had I gotten myself into? Debuting this new thinner body, in a swimsuit, with 3 gay guys and a girl I'd never met!? Oh my. Oh my oh my.

I mean, I liked my swimsuit... well, the top half of it anyhow. I'd bought it when shopping with my grandmother back in June, a gold crochet-style top on a clearance rack at TJ Maxx. No bottoms in sight, but for the first time I really enjoyed the way the top looked on me. I shelled out the $5 and paired it with some bottoms I had, but as I lost weight this summer they started drooping more and more... and what's attractive about droopy swimsuit bottoms? Not a damn thing. I rushed around town looking for a suit that covered more or some bottoms that matched and didn't show too much of my rear end... but no luck at all.



My saving grace turned out to be some words of encouragement from the boyfriend and a lucky find- the bottoms that matched the top at the very same TJ Maxx, for $4. They fit perfectly and looked great... I threw on my floppy hat & my secondhand Banana Republic terry coverup that I just adore, and headed out for a day full of fun.



I didn't anticipate, however, the differences between bottoms that I'd previously worn, and string bikini bottoms. I was quite shocked to find that a good jump off the side of a boat results in a quick and rather embarrassing untying of said bottoms, and baring of one's entire backside. The boys got quite a chuckle out of it.


Got 'em back on now!

The day was wonderful. For the first time in so very long, I relaxed all day long. I sat on the boat and drank beer, got a little bit of a tan, and I got my ass kicked by the lake while inner tubing. I enjoyed myself so much and I felt so comfortable! In a swimsuit! I didn't even freak out when I realized the pictures had been posted on Facebook. All good things.



Now I have to be honest, and I'm not the least bit ashamed to admit that I haven't lost all of this weight without help. And I don't mean that I have an amazing support system, because really I do... but I've been on Phentermine since April. I started taking it in order to lose the last 20-30 lbs I'd had a hard time getting rid of, something I told myself I would do a year ago if I wasn't able to lose it on my own. Losing over 100 lbs is hard, and diet & exercise count for SO much, but I felt comfortable saying "if I hit a plateau and I really give it a shot and can't lose it, I'll try other options" and so I did.

I met with a doctor who worked with weight loss patients, and I asked her if she felt like it was a good choice for me. Usually only prescribed when a patient needs to lose a large amount of weight, Phentermine is an appetite suppressant used ALONG WITH modified diet & exercise. She felt that with my previous success I'd be a good candidate for it, so I started it in April. I've had monthly weight checks and I've been overwhelmingly pleased with my success. At my first appointment in April, I weighed in at 161... I'd gained nearly 20 lbs since my initial drop, and I wasn't pleased at all. My target weight was 130, and last week... a day before my 25th birthday, I weighed in at under 140 lbs for the first time in my adult life.

Hells to the yes.

I'm not saying what I've done is for everyone, in fact, the friend who introduced me to Phentermine and suggested I try it hasn't had as much luck with it as I have. It affects everyone differently, and its no quick fix. The only way to lose weight successfully and keep it off is by a healthy diet & regular exercise. I've never said any of this has been easy, but being here is really a good feeling and its worth every single bit of the work I've put into it. I'm on my last prescription of Phentermine this month, and in a size 6-8. Even now, typing that seems strange... but I'm getting used to it. After battling my weight all my life, I feel like I'm finally where I need to be, and I'll be damned if I let myself go back from here.

If you'd like my tips on weight loss, you can read them here: Cattywampus

For more information, or if you'd like to tell me your story: Email me!

My 24th year has come and gone.

I've somehow surrounded myself with Leos, including one of my very best friends, Jacey. When she asked if I wanted to take a day trip to Eureka Springs for our birthdays, I immediately made arrangements for a babysitter. I knew I was in for an excellent trip when all of the planning revolved around food.

Unfortunately, Marshall hurt his back the day before so I was on ex-husband-nurse-duty and unsure of whether or not I'd be able to go as planned. Luckily for everyone, my ex and I are on great terms... we spend time together often and we have a great friendship as well as a fantastic parenting relationship. With some good pain meds and a little tough love, he was up walking by bedtime, and when he woke up feeling alright the next morning I decided to go on my trip as planned, just with a toddler companion!

Marti Pearl and I took a fabulous trip to Eureka Springs with Jacey, her sisters, and her friend Ashley. Marti Pearl took quite a liking to "the sisters" as she called everyone, and had a blast exploring the cute little shops. We even got a photo made, which for MP was just an epic game of dress up. What toddler doesn't love crazy dresses, feather boas, and high heels!?


A blurry yet fabulous picture of the saloon girls

For my actual birthday I had plans to eat dinner with my whole family. The boyfriend picked me up beforehand saying he had a surprise for me, and as I was asking him where we were going he quickly turned into our friend's neighborhood... I had no idea what was going on, and was thrilled to walk in and find so many of my friends. Jessica & Anna had planned me a fantastic 25th birthday surprise party!! They invited a bunch of my friends, decorated Anna's house beautifully, got me a wonderful cake, and loads of champagne! It was hands down the best birthday surprise ever.

They'd invited my friends from Twitter! Soon my dad & sister showed up, then Marshall, his sister, and Marti Pearl... who was thrilled that mommy was having a "princess party"

From there, we had family dinner & drinks with friends... a wonderful night overall. My 25th birthday was the best yet, I've got high hopes for this year...

I sit, typing to you with barf in my hair and a very unhappy kiddo. Bean girl is sickly. Fever, puking, the whole messy awful no fun 9 yards. Her dad brought her home this morning and the first thing she did was lay down on my shoulder and say "Mama I throw up" which in sick-kid language is just a total crap sandwich. Poor little thing.


Also, kids thermometers? What a joke. I bought this Spongebob $10 jobber at Wal-Mart a while back, and short of sticking it in her tush can't get an accurate reading ever. Its unfortunate too, because there's no way I'm gonna add insult to injury- if she's sick, I'll take her to the doctor hoping she's got a fever before I pull down that diaper. For that reason, I shelled out a bit more for one of those ear-mometers, the more reliable kind.

Unfortunately, I can't find it. The last time I remembered, it lived in my closet in my room at my (now former) friend's house. We had a pretty nasty friend breakup recently and I've tried not to air too much of my dirty laundry in those regards on the interwebz, but I am hot.

Here's the dialogue:

Me (11:34 AM):
I don't want any drama, just have a question. Was there a kids ear thermometer in the closet near the sippy cup? I can't find it & thought it was there.
Me (11:35 AM):
MP is really sick, I just need to find the good thermometer

Her (11:47 AM):
No. Everything of yours that was in my house was packed and given to you. I have nothing else of yours.

Me (11:51 AM):
What I am asking is when you packed everything up did you see it? I have a very sick baby and just need to know if its in there somewhere.

Her (11:57 AM):
What I am telling you is NO! You would have it if it was anywhere in your room. Don't text me anymore! I have NOTHING of yours in my house. Take her to the DR.



There's just no sense in that. To lose our entire friendship so suddenly and dramatically came as a shock to say the very least, but this is just uncalled for. I've fought the urge to write about how I feel in regards to our breakup, to complain that I feel sad, disappointed, pissed off...

I've resisted simply out of respect for her privacy, because as Ms. Single Mama said this morning "single mom or not - I’ve never been one to censor myself for fear of judgment."

I'm still not going to go to the lengths of reporting all of the things that were said and done which were irreparably damaging to our friendship. I don't need to smear her name at all. I feel like I'm doing a good job of mourning that relationship, and come to terms with the hard fact that she won't ever be a part of our lives again.

The hardest thought is that she'll never get to see the bean as she grows and experience her love and light, but there's no way I can allow anyone to dim that light with anger & jealousy... She simply deserves more than that. Honestly, we both do.


Its so very hard, but days like today make it so much easier. I'm very blessed to have many good friends that genuinely and deeply love us. Only moments after tweeting that Bean was sick, I received a text from a new, yet very close friend offering to run to the store and get that thermometer we were missing. Having people that benefit and enrich our lives with support, love, and real compassion is so necessary for parents. It is absolutely vital for single moms & dads.

I'm still sad to have lost that friendship, and It'll take a very long time for the hurt to subside, but its truly made me realize just how lucky I am to have so many people that care about us. A huge thank you to all of my friends, and to this beautiful little girl who just keeps providing me with wonderful life lessons. The same little girl, actually, whose fever has come down (according to my trusty mama-hand-mometer) and who is officially holding down crackers & Pedialyte. Yay for well babies, good friends, and cutting out the negative.

Keep your words sweet -- you may have to eat them. -Stephan Grellet

Sometimes we all say a bit too much. At times, with burning cheeks and butterflies in one's tummy, we realize we've said things best left unsaid.


When love is not madness, it is not love.
-Pedro Calderon de la Barca

I changed my "relationship status" on Facebook this week. A simple action, but lordy be! what a response! I had emails, comments, text messages... all wondering who, when, what!? I laughed, amazed at how curious everyone was... but one email struck me. A good friend asked "Seriously? YOU are in a relationship, and you're admitting it for all of Facebook to see? This guy must be something special, that's a big step for you!" For me- What did she mean!? I talk about my vagina on Twitter, its not like I'm a private person at all! And was it really a big step? I mean, its just the internet for christ sakes... but the more I thought about it, the bigger it seemed. I had officially taken myself off the market. Whoa. Maybe I hadn't thought this through...

You see, its all quite complicated. I started dating following my separation, completely opposed to the idea of a serious relationship. I was determined to date and enjoy the single life completely. There were a few boys I spent more time with, but all ended up being rather disappointing. There was the "your only problem is that you're a mom" dude, the flaky artsy boy who drank, the total liar, then the highly motivated yet indecisive boy who I regrettably got in over my head with, (at which point he promptly skeedaddled) who left me wondering wtf I was doing to myself. After that, I had to stop... I quit dating and started focusing on figuring out what I wanted.

I'd previously said "single moms just want to have fun" which I still think is reasonable, but its a temporary thing. Single moms, just like all ladies, get to a point where they're ready and I was there. I was tired of crying over guys who weren't even thinking about me, and I decided it wouldn't happen anymore. I started focusing on changing: on being a more confident, beautiful, well-mannered lady, someone any guy would want to be with. Then I realized that was a giant crock of shit. I am confident, very beautiful, and well... my manners are intact but honesty and frankness have gotten me this far.



I was ready, I was worthy, and I was downright lonely. Take Your Kids to Dickson came along, and I spent a month working insane hours preparing for the most successful thing I've ever done. I was humbled, looking out over the crowds... seeing so many families there enjoying everything we'd planned. I knew I'd accomplished something incredible, and I was so proud. Thousands of people, but as I walked up the street with my daughter I couldn't have felt more alone. She and I were there together, watching the families... moms, dads, kids, and my eyes welled up with tears. I wasn't giving her the life I wanted for her... for us. I was trying, but it all seemed farther away than I was comfortable with.

I found myself a little freaked out, knowing what I wanted gave everything a different feel. I knew I couldn't settle, something I'd been doing every time since I started dating. I knew I wanted to be in love, I was tired of worrying about whether I was coming on too strong, counting rings before I could answer my phone, none of that made sense to me anyhow. As a grown woman with a child, I simply couldn't play games like a normal 25 year old. I was so disappointed with my dating experiences, but when considering who I'd been seeing was it any wonder? I wasn't dating a man because I wanted to fall in love and build a lasting relationship, I was dating because I wanted to be appreciated for more than my sidewalk chalk, project management, design and diaper changing skills. As a hard-working single mom, I just wanted to not have to figure out what I wanted.

Luckily, that worked out pretty well. I met the boy professionally a while back, a simple meeting to discuss a potential project. We wound up sitting around talking about divorce, kids, dating, our families, side projects... we both remarked later about how strangely comfortable we were talking to each other, though he teased me for being so nervous. I didn't bid on the project, and we continued talking often. Neither of us intended for things to develop and when they did, the timing couldn't have been more wrong. They say though that when you stop looking it finds you... and that's definitely the case here.



I sat watching TV after bean girl had gone to bed last night, and Jerry Maguire came on. I never understood why my mom always cried when she watched that movie until now. As a single mom, everything is different. I realized just what I'd been doing wrong: the silly games that go along with dating just don't fly with us. We expect more, we want and need love in a way that non-mamas just don't, and I didn't fully understand that when I was trying to force relationships with boys with no desire to actually get involved. Single mamas fall hard, when we realize its there we are fully involved. I realized that what I've been feeling is a very different kind of lonely than I'd ever known, and I was wearing my Brave-Little-Toaster-pants hoping not to get hurt but failing at it. I wanted a boy to understand and appreciate all of me, and I wanted to feel comfortable sharing that.



I'm fully involved, and I'm thrilled about it. Taking myself off the market wasn't as difficult as I'd imagined when I met someone who caught my attention and kept it. A dad himself, he understood from the start what I wanted and needed (even when I didn't). In not trying to say the right things, he won me over completely with an honesty and frankness I'd craved without realizing. It comes as no surprise to any of you that I'm an open book. I put everything on the line, take it or leave it there I am. I opened myself up and for the first time didn't fight the uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach saying "this isn't a good idea, mama" I wanted this, and he did too. With that comes a certain air of caution, for ourselves, our hearts, our kids... was it safe to give into the excitement of something that seemed so... genuine? Its a strange time for both of us, so we initially resisted the idea of starting a relationship, but things have developed naturally despite our hesitation, and here we are.

So here I am, admitting that I'm nuts about a boy and for once, I am so fully appreciated, just as I am. Imperfect and impulsive, bossy and idealistic, he looks at me with a sense of wonder.

Thank you for that, mister.




Also, a huge thank you to Ms. Single Mama who works so hard to provide support and insight. Reading about your love with John Bear is inspiring and exciting. Congratulations, lady. Thank you for helping us sort out all of this crazy dating stuff and allowing us to peek in on your life, you are incredible.
You want to see what the boy is doing right? Here's a good list from Ms. Single Mama herself:
How to Date a Single Mom

Today is a big day.

8 years ago, on June 27, 2001, I was raped. It was an unimaginable nightmare physically and emotionally that I spent years recovering from. Last year I spent this day rejoicing because I was able to against all odds have a beautiful, healthy, textbook pregnancy and have an incredible daughter to show for it... something that I was told at a tender age wouldn't be a possibility because of the damage caused that horrible night. I was in a bad place last year though... my marriage was falling to pieces, I was just officially starting my design firm, and I had just finished remodeling my house. I was stressed, exhausted emotionally and physically, and I spent this day crying. I sat for hours watching Marti Pearl sleep thinking about how lucky I was despite what I'd been through, and I resolved never to do that again.

In fact, it was the first year that I actually cried... every other year I was entirely too busy celebrating. In 2002, I had just graduated from high school. I had great friends who were very concerned about me, knowing the first anniversary of the rape would be difficult. They picked me up from my house, and threw me a lovely surprise party complete with a bonfire, copious amounts of alcohol (not that I endorse underage drinking of course!) and lots of dancing. It became my very favorite tradition... an unconventional one, but what's common about this mama anyhow?

I've gone on trips, thrown dinner parties, had sleepovers, and each time I've eaten too many cupcakes and completely enjoyed myself. I love celebrating this day because it makes something that was in every way negative a very positive thing. I celebrate because I made it through, because it didn't break me. I celebrate because when I had Marti Pearl I was able to overcome this in the greatest way. This day reminds me that I am strong... much stronger than I normally give myself credit for.

Tonight I'll be celebrating. Two of my favorite bands, Cletus Got Shot & Damn Bullets (my clients, I just finished their website today!) will be playing at my favorite bar The Smoke & Barrel Tavern, which my friends and family jokingly call my office. I spend all of my baby-free time there working (free wireless, air conditioning, and cheap drinks!) or dancing... tonight I'll definitely be dancing. The three owners are so near to my heart, and the timing of tonight's show couldn't possibly be more perfect. Thank you boys, for tonight. There's nowhere else I'd rather be.

If you see me out tonight give me a hug. We'll toast to 8 years of kicking ass, taking names, and being healthy, happy, and strong.

Also, a side note: did you know that Mayor Jordan proclaimed June 27th Gay Pride day in Fayeteville, AR? He's a good man and an excellent mayor. I'm thrilled to know him. I spent a few hours at the pride picnic promoting The Lighter Side and handing out rainbow popsicles... a wonderful way to spend the day. Thanks to the NWA Center for Equality for giving me an excellent reason to celebrate this day all day long.