I confess that I'm fickle.
I confess that I never came.
I confess that I do love a challenge.
I confess that I've been depressed.
I confess that I lied to you.
I confess that I've been selfish.
I confess that my hunger for love took precedence over my hunger for respect.
I confess that I was reckless.
I confess that I put my needs last too often.
I confess that the sex was terrible.
I confess that I've been jealous.
I confess that I was self-destructive.
I confess this was not the life I planned.
I confess that I think you're totally nuts.
I confess that I'm impulsive.
I confess that I used you for my own personal gain.
I confess that you didn't deserve what you got.
I confess that I do, in fact, hate.
I confess that your penis really was tiny.
I confess that I cried even though I said I didn't.
I confess that I never opened up to you.
I confess that I liked you too much.
I confess that I threw your birthday present in the trash because I was mad at you.
I confess that I never knew which eye to look at.
I confess that I don't know what happened that night either.
I confess that I shouldn't have driven.
I confess that I had no idea what I was doing.
I confess that you've always creeped me out.
I confess that I laughed when I shouldn't have.
I confess that I opened up too much.
I confess that I've been scared.
I confess that online dating fed me for about a month.
I confess that I've been shallow.
I confess that after cleaning up after you I never felt the same about you.
I confess that I don't remember.
I confess that I want more.
I confess that I've spent more time working, and not enough time playing.
I confess that I've censored myself because of other people's fear.
I confess that I wasn't a very good friend.
I confess that I went hungry because I was too proud to ask for help.
I confess that the only thing I liked about you was the fancy dinners I didn't have to pay for.
I confess that I hate my body sometimes.
I confess that I miss you.
I confess that I made wrong decisions.
I confess that I still can't poop in a public restroom.
I confess that I'm intimidated by you.
I confess that I long for a vacation.
I confess that I'm still overwhelmed by anger towards you.
I confess that I wanted you to be my everything, regardless of how unfair that was.
I confess that I have addiction issues.
I confess that I still think she's a worthless whore.
I confess that I've been rude.
I confess that we fight too much.
I confess that I didn't like the food you made me.
I confess that I broke it.
I confess that it was awful timing.
I confess that I was at times surprised by your stupidity.
I confess that I knew something was wrong all along.
I confess that I peed in a hotel sink.
I confess that it did make me stronger, but it took much more of a toll than I'll ever admit.
I confess that I pity you.
I confess that I went on 2 dates in one night.
I confess that I never understood you.
I confess that sometimes my insecurities get the best of me.
I confess that I got my heart broken.
I confess that I expect more every day.
I confess that I don't see myself like you do.
I confess that I fart in public.
I confess that my heart gets ahead of my brain.
I confess that I get nostalgic.
I confess that I've never trusted, and that its still hard.
I confess that I worry about me too.
I confess that I'm a work in progress.

My favorite blogger, Ms. Single Mama is doing a contest for New Years. When I watched her video explaining the contest I felt so darn inspired. This goes so far beyond a necklace, or even a blog... this was a tremendously hard year full of so much change. I am ready to make bigger changes in my life, and I've got to start letting go of the things that are holding me back.

I never expected to fall in love with 4 people instead of 1.

I'm a single mom of 1 dating a single dad of 3. This is my first relationship with a man who has children... Initially, I was hesitant but excited. I'll be honest... I'm not nuts about other people's kids. Awful, I know... but I'm just not. I think its basically because my kid is so far beyond awesome that when I'm around kids that aren't, I feel bad for everyone involved. I mean, except for my kid... because she's obviously superior. Really though, um... I like awesome kids. The rest I'm kindof "meh" about.

In dating post-separation, I found myself stuck, facing the same issues over and over again. I'm an amazing woman and my daughter is (see above) really awesome. We're both entertaining, beautiful, and good for laughs. We're adventurous & spontaneous, open and loving... we've really got a lot to offer. I was dating single guys with no kids over and over again. All different ages with different careers and lives, it always came down to the same issue... I'm a really big package. Talk about a whole lot of responsibility from the get-go.

None of those guys were interested in dating a mom... and I couldn't blame them. I wasn't seeking out a dad either. I had plenty on my plate without any of that business and I was dating guys who were in the same exact position. Career-driven, preoccupied, understandably self-centered... they just weren't on the same page as I was. Frustrating as that was sometimes, I understood it.

I never really considered dating a single father, but when I became interested in the boy, it was because he was a dad. Over a series of messages one night, he told me about his kids, and I found myself in crush city with this amazing father.

But don't think I really understood what that meant for me, for us. In fact, I'm still learning everyday. The boy and I have been together for over 6 months now, and we're past "dating" and more in "serious relationship" territory, full of big talk and commitments. We find comfort, understanding, and mutual support in each other. I kiss his forehead after a long day and he takes my trash out. We're both looking forward to many more years of finding toys in our tennis shoes and quiet time after the kids go to bed...

There's a lot of miles between 2 people dating who both happen to have kids and a "blended family". Right now, we're right in the middle of it. Our kids love each other, his family has welcomed us with open arms, hell, I'm even good friends with his ex wife... My daughter is nuts about him, his boys love me, and I'm finally getting to know his youngest, which out of respect for her mother, I've not been able to develop a relationship with yet. We are doing the very best we can, and for the first time since we've been together, it finally feels like everything is simply falling into place.

For the record, I'm not sure I'm comfortable with the term "blended family" ...I mean, its appropriate enough for the situation but at this point in my own relationship it'd be better described as a big ol' mess of kids who aren't quite sure what their relationship is, and 2 parents who are trying hard to figure that out themselves.

I got snowed in with his family for Christmas. His whole family with my small family of 2, spending the holiday together. We were simply not ready for that. Its not that we're not madly in love, or that we're not completely committed to this relationship, its just that we haven't figured out what all of this commitment means yet. I worried that it would really put a strain on us, but we're closer than ever.

I realized never stopped to consider how I felt about becoming a "stepmom" or starting a "blended family" - I just fell in love.

I never expected to gain a family from a relationship, especially so soon after the family I'd planned on and worked so hard for dissolved.

Really, what it comes down to for me is that I never expected to fall in love with 4 people instead of 1.

But I couldn't be happier.

This week I'll be exploring a lot of things that have been on my heart all year. 2009 has been a year of self-discovery and improvement and I have no doubt that 2010 will be even better. I am one hell of an uncommon mama, but you guys don't even know the half of it. I'm overflowing with stories that I'm finally ready to share.

This blog will be changing quite a bit. For now, just get the wine ready, mama's got a hell of a lot to talk about. <3

Painting again.

I've neglected my blog completely over the past month... between an enormous project at work and Christmas, life has been incredibly hectic but I've got an even better excuse...

I started painting again.

I've done this a few times since the bean was born, but it never seems to stick. Life just gets in the way every time, and I end up painting a picture or two then no more. I get so damn distracted, and I never find the time to dedicate to it.

This time just feels different. I've fought the urge all night to start another piece. I want so much to paint, just to feel the rush of seeing something take shape. I did 3 pieces for Christmas presents, and I am so very pleased with all of them. They're all presents, and I haven't given any of them to the proper recipients yet so I can't post any pictures, but soon... I promise.

In the meantime, here are my old pieces: artXcore
and here's the first of the new series I'm working on: Robots!


I am thankful for my beautiful daughter, wonderful friends, loving family, and plentiful work.
This Thanksgiving brought time to reflect on change and new beginnings. My dad started chemo on Monday, but was well enough to prepare a delicious turkey on Wednesday. My mom, sister, Bean girl and I all sat down at his table for the first time ever this Thanksgiving. We ate and laughed, and even though we're all feeling uncertain about the future and concerned about his health, we enjoyed ourselves and our time together immensely.

Bean girl had Thanksgiving with her father this year and I spent the holiday with my boyfriend's family, who enjoyed this year as their first in Arkansas. It was beautiful- his mother really made a feast! The sheer amount of food was almost overwhelming, and good lord was it tasty...
Its so strange watching a family that's so different from my own, their customs and traditions... the family dynamic is foreign but warm, very open and accepting. We all circled around the table; his father & mother, brother, & children... myself, their family friend, and my boyfriend's ex-wife & her boyfriend... all sitting together as a family. They toasted and then his son asked everyone to say what we were thankful for. I said I was thankful to know everyone, and to be included. I fought tears yesterday thinking about how lucky I was.

Family is so very important. I look forward all year to Christmas, to spending time with my mom dad & sister, grandparents, aunts & uncles, cousins. Everyone's so spread out, from London, England to Baton Rouge, Louisiana... but we all come together once a year for a couple of days. We eat and open presents and tell stories, and god, do we laugh... My ex-husband says his favorite part of the divorce is not having to spend Christmas with my family anymore, and I'll never understand it. These people are my very core- and without them I'd be nothing. They are my support and understanding, to love them is to know me.

This year my family is extended. Being with my boyfriend and his family has been wonderful. They're a strong family... so loving. They believe wholeheartedly in an unbreakable bond in roots and blood, and its obvious in the way they speak, the stories they tell. They include everyone, and they're fiercely protective in a way I admire more than I could even say. Being included means being understood, loved, & protected. Getting to know them means understanding even more who the man I fell in love with really is, was, and will be.

This year it all just means so much more. Maybe its my dad being sick, or maybe its the divorce, or maybe, just maybe... I'm getting older and wiser and I'm realizing the true value of having people that can see me and love me, flaws and all, because of a common bond. There's just nothing more important than that.

Fuck Cancer.

When I was a little girl, my dad was my partner in crime.
We spent our time fishing and wrestling, playing in the yard and eating junk food.
He has the gentlest soul you'll ever encounter. He's got the spirit of a grandpa, and he's always had it. 30 or 50, he's just so gentle.
When my parents divorced my world crashed down around me.
My dad was my best friend, I didn't understand how I could live without him.
I did though. I lived without him for 10 years. I lived with a lot of hurt and a lot of sadness. I grew up needing him so much, and he just wasn't there.
He remarried a few times, he spent some time in jail, he checked out and stayed stoned for a lot of years.
Eventually he cleaned himself up, I made contact with him and tried to build a relationship... and it worked. We got really close, and when I decided to go to college closer to him, I was able to start really learning about my dad.

He had cancer really bad. The chemo & radiation made him look slightly frail. Well over 6ft tall and at nearly 300 lbs, he still towered over me but he just felt different. He felt worried. The tumor in his liver was big, and it wasn't shrinking. He was sick but worked hard anyway, always struggling to make ends meet. I don't remember when he started his "crazy" juice diet, or the supplements, or the positive thinking, but the combination of it all just worked. The tumor disappeared. Remission.

My dad was able to change my daughter's diaper the day we brought her home from the hospital. This summer, my little sister moved in with him. She spent the summer before college building the relationship she never had with him.

My dad starts chemo again very soon. My mom called and told me yesterday. All of her words jumbled, because deep down it doesn't matter how small the tumor was, how much of it they removed, or how positive the doctor was. My dad is sick again, and I am absolutely torn up over it.

Fuck cancer. Fuck it completely.

I was going to post words, but decided on pictures instead.

These all came from Le Love & We Heart It.