The anniversary of the worst day ever

(I know, I know, another Kurt Halsey, but I just really love his work.)

Today is a historically yucky day for me. I've had a harder time than usual this year, I'm going to blame it on a mix of hormones and marriage stress.

7 years ago today was the worst day of my life. I was 16 years old. I was concerned primarily with boys, music, summertime, and my best girl friends. I spent most of my time online, at church, or hanging out with my little sister. Life was definitely good.

On June 27, 2001, I was raped. The investigation and many examinations that followed were possibly even more damaging than the attack itself, proving to me only that things were never as they seemed. My trust shattered, my body mangled, and my soul torn apart, I slept for the rest of the summer.

When I was told that I was most likely unable to have children, due to an infection of the uterus I (probably) contracted at the hospital following the attack, I realized something I never even knew I wanted was taken from me that night. It was the hardest thing I'd ever faced. I had always said I didn't want to have kids, that it just wasn't for me, but faced with the fact that it might not ever be an option was more than I could even process. It was too soon to tell for sure, they said, and that was that.

The boys that attacked me live and work in my town, they have families and jobs, normal lives, and I'm positive that this day means nothing to them. This day means so much to me, though...

As I stand next to my daughter's crib and watch her sleep I think about how lucky I am to have her. There's nothing like watching her there, peaceful as can be, with her beautiful brown hair and her dirty little fingernails... she's a tiny miracle, something that was absolutely supposed to happen. She came into my life when she wasn't supposed to even be a possibility, and she's a constant reminder that I'm so much stronger than even I give myself credit for.

Its a hard day, and I have come to accept that over the years, but its also such an important day, one that, in a lot of ways, shaped who I am today. Its taught me so many important lessons, and its given me an amazing sense of appreciation I'm not sure I'd find otherwise. In a way I'm thankful for this experience, for reminding me that every second of being Marti Pearl's mom is so precious.

Pardon my absence...

Its been quite a while since I've posted, which is unusual I know...

I've been thinking about some very important things, thoughts that I'm sure just about all of us face at some point... about how much information I should be sharing about myself, my family, the things that are important to me, online. My blog is a public forum, and I don't want to censor any part of my life, but there are some things I don't really want the world to know about, and walking that fine line is something I haven't completely figured out just yet.

That's why I decided not to post for a while. You see, the past month has been one that I'm not proud of... Husband-pants and I have had a really rough go of things here lately, and its been bad news bears. Now I of course know that every marriage has its ups and downs, but we had a big down. A monumental fall, if you will, and its taken a little while to recover. The good news of all of this is that we have, in fact, decided to recover. We're taking some small steps in the right direction, and that's that.

Marriage just isn't what it used to be, we joke, but really, we haven't got the foggiest of what marriage is, or was. We both grew up in single-parent households, raised by very head strong mothers and no constant father figure. We never saw healthy interactions between a husband and wife with the exception of our grandparents and great-grandparents, who were (are) married for an exceptionally long time and have very healthy relationships. We've been striving for that, but we've gotten a little lost along the way. Its easy to do when you haven't got much to go off of...

Its amazing to me how easy it seems to just throw in the towel, how quick we are to assume that problems are just too big to fix. Marriage is hard, but its worth it. Things are definitely looking up right now, and we're both working on keeping it that way.

I promise not to be such a stranger from now on.