No regrets. Ever.



Can I be really honest with you guys for a minute? I mean, really honest...

I feel like I've been censoring myself over my years in blogging, trying to not to reveal too much while still forming bonds with people who are genuinely interested in my life...
I don't want to, and I don't even really know how it happens... its a natural response I suppose. Working in corporate America for years I was warned of my presence online, after hearing stories of people losing their jobs over blogging, I became weary of revealing too much. Its not that I don't trust you people, I just don't want anyone to use my words against me.

Here's what's up though... I have been going through a particularly rough few months, and I feel like its unfair to assume that you guys wouldn't want to hear about it... I mean, you're here for a reason, right?

Husband-pants is no longer husband-pants. He's wearing some not-so-husband-y-pants these days, as we've been separated for a little while. We're currently trying to feel out this separation (the emotional and financial implications of divorce are overwhelming to say the least). In doing so, we've learned quite a bit about each other, relationships, and what we do and don't want out of ourselves, our partner, and our lives. This has needed to happen for a while, and I'm glad to say that we're, for the most part, really happy. In fact, that was our biggest motivation in doing this. We're of the mindset that 2 unhappy parents do not a happy child make.

I can't put a finger on the moment I knew we were too far gone, I think it was a slow realization, one that snuck up on us over time. When it happened though, we tried so hard to resist it. We recommitted ourselves to the lasting marriage we promised each other years ago, but it was only a week or so before the fighting started again, worse than before. It was obvious we weren't going anywhere we wanted to be. After a weekend apart full of reflection we decided a separation would be best for all of us, and we've stuck to it.

So far, its proven very beneficial. In fact, this weekend was spent as a family, the three of us watching movies and hanging out like old days... there was just a different dynamic. Bean girl definitely realizes what's going on, and we kick ourselves for it quite frequently, but we're working on improving our relationship as a family every day, even though our relationship as a couple has come to an end.

With all of that said, its still difficult to move on. Its a long process, I hear, and we're wading through it and sorting out what we're feeling, but its hard. Divorce is a scary thing, and its looming heavily over both of us right now.

I don't regret a day that I've spent with Marshall. I proudly embrace my (not-so) new last name, and all of the changes that came with it. He has helped shape the person I am today... and I actually, for the first time in my life, really love that person. We have achieved impossible and wonderful things in our time together. I hope never to forget the road that brought me to where I am today, regardless of whether I'll be walking down it alone or not.

Thank you, Marsh.

4 comments:

November 18, 2008 at 2:01 PM Melissa said...

I am sure it's not easy to struggle with seperating and divorce; however, you are so right that an unhappy couple does not make for a happy child. So whatever you have to do to be happy is what is best. Good luck Heather! I am sure you will all get through this and everything will work out in the end...

November 19, 2008 at 10:06 AM amber said...

oh love, im terribly sorry to hear your unfortunate/fortunate news. youre a great mother, and marshalls a great father, and the two of you raising a child together, whether under one roof or two is surely to grow a lovely bean regardless! best of luck with your inevitable emotional next few months...i love you!

November 23, 2008 at 3:02 PM Christy said...

As a single mom I can honestly tell you there are many modern benefits to raising a child seperatly then enduring a fake "life" for the sake of the child, which is a huge misnomer... My daughter is happy, I'm happy, and there are no arguments for her to walk into, no ugliness felt in the air, when we are together (besides the normal 2's upsets, heh) all is good and loving. Its really wonderful. I'm sorry your going through an upheaval of your life as you've known it, but I wish you and Bean the best and am happy for you for all the great mommy daughter time you will have with each other! I miss you on myspace :(

January 22, 2009 at 11:21 PM brandon said...

i read this with my mouth wide open - it made me realize how similar we really are - the biggest thing

the Kurt Halsey art at the top

he is my fav. modern artist - so much so i ordered 3 prints of his last week.

C-R-A-Z-Y!!!!