A Mom Uncommon

Do you think you and Marshall still would have gotten married if you hadn't gotten pregnant?

2010-08-17T13:29:00.001-07:00

Yep! Marshall and I had been engaged for a while before we found out the Bean was on her way. He was my best friend and I was in full-on wedding planning mode when that tiny person surprised us. We altered our plans a little by moving up the date and toning everything down, but otherwise it was exactly how we'd planned it!

Ask me anything

a song that you could listen to a thousand times and never tire of it? or better yet, a song you'd swear was written with you in mind though the songwriters have never met you?

2010-07-30T07:19:00.001-07:00

"Portions for Foxes" by RIlo Kiley and lately, "Mushaboom" by Feist! :)
What about you? I like this question!!

Ask me anything

How did you meet your boyfriend?

2010-07-30T07:18:00.001-07:00

Twitter!!! We're total nerds, seriously. He tweeted this: http://twitter.com/mwcosta/status/1872284355 we met for coffee to discuss the project because his A/C was broken at the office (http://twitter.com/mwcosta/status/2075641025) and I recommended a "men of IT" calendar shoot (http://twitter.com/mwcosta/status/2108833230) the rest is history I suppose. Nerdy lovefest, all over twitter.

Ask me anything

Catching Up...

2010-07-20T08:57:00.001-07:00

Sorry I've been so quiet, its been crazy around here.
To catch up, I've been...

...watching this bean grow

took all the kids to the zoo a couple weeks back, they loved it.

if only they made these jumpers in adult sizes...

popsicles on the new porch, saturday morning.

ipad at dinner

subliminal messaging

she was mad i wouldn't "swim" in her pool

ta-da!

she wants to take pictures all the time.

family ♥

...loving on this man

we're getting some time to ourselves these days and its really nice.

Moving in to the New House!!!

white picket fence and everything!

Percy cat was lost AND found during the move. He's enjoying the new place.

...spending lots of weekends at the lake

becoming grillmasters & such.

bros on a boat.

...working

making new friends...

drinking lots of coffee...

sitting at a desk...

wearing fancy clothes...

going places...

♥

Moving on up

2010-05-22T10:44:00.000-07:00

As of tomorrow, I start a new venture. As I mentioned a while back, I love what I do but freelancing is difficult. Regardless of how good I am, how much I do... there's always more. There's always work that needs to be done after 5pm. There's always more I could be doing on one of my many ongoing projects. There's always a reason to work... but you know what's not been a reason? Money. Working this hard, for this long, to grow a business that I love has been amazing... but its been tough. My child has known want because of what I do for a living... that's not to say it hasn't been profitable, but its feast or famine. There are some months that we've relied on savings, or family, or the generosity of our friends. It has caused so much undue stress for everyone involved... so I really honestly took a look at what I do, what I love, and I started following it.

That's taken me to the place I am now, hurriedly buying work clothes and finishing projects with my existing clients as quickly as possible... I start tomorrow. I am scared out of my mind. I'm not scared I can't do it, that I'm not good enough... I am. I am entering this with full confidence that this is the best move I've ever made. I will knock their socks off, completely. I'm scared that this will truly open so very many doors. This will allow me to live comfortably for the first time since I've been an adult. It will improve so many aspects of my life. That means progress... personal fulfillment on a number of levels... big steps, and bigger changes. I'm just scared because its all so perfect. Its everything I never knew I always wanted.

Thank you to everyone who has supported me through the years. You've all made this possible and I appreciate you. I'm not going anywhere... Promise.

<3
H

I support Greg Leding

2010-05-15T14:05:00.001-07:00

The first time I met my friend Greg Leding we got our asses handed to us at Taboo. We weren't aware that we were playing against 2 English professors, but they absolutely beat the pants off of us at a game we were pretty confident we'd win. You see, we're pretty smart cookies... we met last year when he showed some very nice Twitter-sympathy when I backed over the gas meter with my car and nearly blew up the entire neighborhood at 6am. After that, we played some Taboo, spent a lot of time laughing, and hung out pretty regularly until last spring.

That's when Greg decided to run for State Representative. I remember the morning he told me, I didn't have a clue what to say. I mean, I was impressed... it seemed like such a natural move for him. Intellectual, political, driven... it was a good fit. Since then, he's been campaigning hard... stickers, yard signs, canvassing neighborhoods... doing the politician thing. Its been amazing to watch, and inspiring to say the least.

I can't tell you about Greg's platforms, I mean... I could, but I won't. What matters to me is the stuff that's not already been covered by campaign. I can tell you that Greg is an amazing person... he really is. He's been an incredibly supportive friend and a great example. He's inspired me think of things in a different way, to recognize needs in my community I'd previously not seen.

Greg was always going, even before the campaign... community events were his thing. Every night of the week he had something going on, and I am just so not that type of person. It takes quite a bit for me to want to get out after working all week, especially to sit and talk politics or environmental sustainability. I am interested, I am concerned, but I am minimally-involved. I recognized that about myself, but after meeting Greg I really started examining it. I hated that there were things that I could be doing to help my community, to improve it... hell, to improve myself... and I just... wasn't. That's when I started working on Take Your Kids to Dickson. I formed a group that focused on improving the overall perception of my community's arts & entertainment district.

Greg inspired something in me that I think was always under the surface, a desire to help the people around me and be more than just aware... to be truly involved. Greg inspired it because that's what he is, that's what he does. He is actually concerned and invested in what he commits himself to. I saw myself in a different light... I realized there were ways in which I should be dedicating my talents and efforts, and all because his influence. Just by knowing him my outlook was completely transformed. I am positive that he will always be one of my most successful and accomplished friends because of his commitment, ambition, and heart. He will always inspire those around him, he will always encourage change and growth. The boy's got soul.

The election is less than 48 hours away now. This has been a long time coming, and I know he is just down right exhausted from all of the work he's put into this campaign. Greg said earlier today "most anyone who's taken a look at the District 92 race has made up his or her mind. We just need to get the people who support us to go vote" and he's right. If you know the issues, if you've made a decision, then fantastic. If not, then stop reading right this second and go do it. Who is your voice? Go do the research and figure out who is leading your community. Go be more than an observer. If you haven't voted early, I ask that you please go vote this week. Take the time... make the effort. Don't do it because you care about voting... do it because you care about your community, your state, your influence on your world. Do it because our kids deserve to see that progress is possible.

Greg, I am truly so proud of you and I am just so thrilled to watch where you go from here. I'll be sure to wear my dancing shoes Tuesday night for your celebration party Tuesday night.

Free Range Kids, & why my I'm not gonna leave my 3 year old at the park

2010-05-08T08:14:00.000-07:00

I was shopping a few weeks ago and a little girl about 5 years old walked up and looked me, up and down. She told me she liked my dress then started thumbing through the jeans on the rack next to me. I shifted my armload of clothes and she said "oh! You got a big belly!"

"Well, you're a virgin who can't drive"

I laughed, "you're right, girl. I sure do" and she smiled. Her mom wandered over, unaware of the honesty her little one had just shared and told her to stop bothering me. I told her that her daughter was adorable and she looked up, smiled, and said "take her home with you, really, you'd be begging to return her!"

I chuckled and looked down at the little girl, a little shocked at what her mom had just said, and she was looking up at me smiling from ear to ear, nodding her head. "Well let's go, then!" I said and smiled. She followed me around the store and gave me opinions on every piece of clothing I held up. When they left the little girl hugged me and her mom thanked me for "putting up with her"

I was taken aback... its so rare to hear a parent say things like that anymore. I remember when I was a kid knowing exactly how irritating I was being at any given moment! It was just part of being a kid... we were annoying, loud, perpetually sticky, it was just part of the territory. I didn't consider it as a bad thing, it was just a kid thing. We go through our annoying, dirty, awkward stage, then we grow up and we're more tolerable, better groomed, that was just life.

Today's kids aren't dirty. They're not irritating, they are all precious and uniquely superior to the other. They go to playgroups and eat edamame. They have schedules and nannies and carseats that cost more than a week's worth of groceries. We're so damn fussy about our offspring. We only want what's best for them, so they're in their IKEA beds covered by their organic cotton blankets by 7:15 every night. We playground hover, we work from home. We delay vaccinations, put off kindergarten, fear what TV does to their brains. We attend all of the "mommy & me" play hours we can squeeze in their tiny, packed schedules. Organic, attached, uninoculated, communicative... we want our children to have the perfect childhood, the childhood we didn't... have?

But what about those of us that had great childhoods? That grew up with adventure, independence, a sense of self from a young age? Was it that bad? DId we hate our upbringing that much? Was it that bad? We spend our afternoons in therapy sessions talking about where it all went wrong... and maybe the problem is that we've been over-thinking it all along. We've been planning and preparing and scheduling and not having sex with our spouses for all of the children in our beds. We've created monsters, and those monsters are not our children... they're us.

The "free-range kids" concept fascinates me. I love the idea of my child being independent, self-assured, learning her surroundings without my fear or restrictions, but with her own boundaries.
From the Free Range Kids website:

Do you ever...let your kid ride a bike to the library? Walk to school? Make dinner? Or are you thinking about it? If so, you are raising a Free-Range Kid! Free-Rangers believe in helmets, car seats, seat belts — safety! We just do NOT believe that every time school age kids go outside, they need a security detail.

I'd like to think that my daughter is free-range to some degree. Currently, I'm sitting on the couch writing this while she rides her tricycle around the living room in my high heels, her pajamas, and a very fancy hat. She's singing herself a song, having an imaginary race with the cat, and pulling a "trailer" of Littlest Pet Shop animals which she so cleverly attached about an hour ago. She has been enjoying over a full hour of creative play all by herself, without me hovering over her or involving myself in her game. As a working mom, I'm so glad she can do this! I need this time. She needs this time. We're both happy with it.

When we go to the park, I sit and let her play. I'm not the mom going down the slide with my preschooler on my lap or holding her hand up the ladder. I love playing with her, but she's capable of playing on her own, and I let her. She runs around the yard every evening and walks through the mall without holding my hand. That doesn't make me some sort of parenting rebel, and there are plenty of parents that allow their children more freedom, but there are so many parents that don't. Its been a conscious decision to allow my daughter to explore her world and learn it by first-hand experience.

But upon reading about "Take Your Kids to the Park & Leave Them There Day" my heart sunk. Maybe my daughter wasn't as "free-range" as I thought. Maybe this has gone too far. I couldn't imagine taking my daughter to the park and leaving her there for any amount of time. I know very well that there are parents who are entirely comfortable with this concept, and I can't knock 'em- its not my kid, not my decision. I just can't help but feel its irresponsible.

There is a distinct difference between raising independent, capable children and neglectful parenting.

At the grocery store today, I watched as a little girl realized she'd gotten separated from her mother. I had seen the girl previously, her mother talking on the phone, 2 kids in the cart and this little girl trailing behind. I heard her screaming and when I looked over I was immediately sad for her. A woman was crouched, trying to calm her down while attempting to get the attention of an employee, and this little girl was wailing and crying, so upset. As a crowd started to form, everyone looking around for the concerned mother to appear, a little boy ran up and said "mom's over here" took her hand, and off they ran. Where was the mother, I wondered? Was she still on the phone? Had she noticed what had happened and was too embarrassed so she sent her other son to find the missing girl? Would we judge her for temporarily losing her child? Would she be reprimanded? What about the mom who leaves her baby in the car while she runs into the store and comes out to find the police have been called on her for neglecting her child? Could the same happen to the mom who misplaced her little girl at the store? What actually dictates "neglect"?

My friend Courtney gives the example of "catching hell" for letting her first and third graders walk a block to school together, "but they did great & gained street savvy." And that's what its really about. My sister and I would walk to and from school from elementary school until graduation, something we both really enjoyed. I miss the days of playing in the back yard after school, something that has been lost to the modern art of the driveway-social-hour that takes place in subdivisions everywhere. We knew our neighborhood, our community first-hand because we got to explore it. Kids today don't have the same luxury. Is it our society? Our insecurities? As parents, we have a very healthy and rational fear because we've seen that there are bad people doing bad things in our world, and we want to do anything possible to protect our kids from it... But are we preventing our kids from doing things that will make them happy, healthy, functional, capable, independent, self-aware adults because of that?

I can see a benefit to taking your kids to the park, of allowing them to interact with other children and fend for themselves... but my child can do that just fine with me sitting within yell-distance. Its not that I don't have faith in my child to fend for herself, its simply that our society just aint what it used to be. I know our boundaries better than anyone else, and I think its reasonable to say on behalf of every parent... our job is to provide a safe environment for our children at all times with respect to those individual boundaries.

I'm curious to see what comes of "Take Your Kids to the Park & Leave Them There" day... and of the free range kids movement... hell, I'm interested to see how our special little snowflake children turn out. Will they all have this grand sense of self, will all of our fussing actually serve a purpose beyond their childhood years? How will this generation behave as adults? What will they accomplish? What will their impact be? How will they raise their our grandchildren?

And was the $300 car seat really necessary?

Date Night!

2010-03-31T12:02:00.000-07:00

So its no secret that this mama needs a vacation. I work too much, I sleep too little, I run on stress & rarely get a chance to kick back and relax. Its just part of being a small business owner, a single mom, and well... a Leo. If life isn't a challenge then it isn't fun! Right!? Well I've been bugging the boy for months about a getaway. "Just take me somewhere... let's sleep til noon and not work, and stuff ourselves with good food, and take naps and read books... you know, all those things we don't get to do otherwise!" And try as he might, scheduling always gets the best of us. With 4 kids between us, its just been impossible to work out. We always have 1 night a week in which we're both kidless for a few hours but by the time that night gets here, we're usually just content with pajama pants & DVDs. I'm as guilty of it as he is, always turning on my computer the second we get a chance to "rest" because there's always work to be done...

Date Night

Well this week we had a real bona-fide date. Dinner at Hugo's- our favorite date night spot, and Rodgers & Hammerstein's South Pacific at the Walton Arts Center. Now let me pause to thank this boy of mine for not only re-arranging his schedule so that we could do this, but let's be honest... showtunes don't really rank the highest on the "perfect man date" scale.

He didn't scoff at my choice of dates, in fact when I told him I got a ticket from the Walton Arts Center as part of a blog contest, he was very proud. He even put on a nice jacket, toted my tookus all over downtown, and opened doors for me all night. Though he wasn't singing along with me during the show, he's been breaking into a very over-zealous version of "some enchanted evening..." randomly since Intermission. I think that means he maybe dug it a little.

Mat wasn't familiar with the story, but I have loved it since I was a child. My mom, always the entertainer, was a choir director & choreographer when I was a child. This meant a lot of REALLY lame dance routines to go along with youth choir songs about loving your friends & trusting Jesus, I mean like serious jazz-hands kind of stuff... but it also meant some really fun and hilarious performances too. The most memorable one being the Honey Bun skit enacted by a group of high school seniors when I was 5 or 6. Its one of my fondest childhood memories, seeing my mom laugh and dance along with all of these kids... We grew up watching the movie and I've seen a couple of small theater productions, but wow- Last night was completely amazing.

Reading up on the show, the Lincoln Center's production won 7 honors at the 2008 Tony Awards, and I can believe it. It was incredible, it most definitely rose above all of my expectations. The characters could not have been more perfect, from Nelly's fantastic Arkansas accent (which the crowd of course LOVED!) to Bloody Mary's "stingy bastard!" and Billis' "Twirly Whirly" hips, it was just totally right.

Keala Settle as "Bloody Mary"
photo by Peter Coombs (taken from southpacificontour.com)

My favorite part of the show though was actually watching the woman in front of me... About 75-80 years young, she caught my eye because she reminded me of my Gram... beautiful, dressed very nicely with her hair perfectly curled, sitting with her daughter. She was obviously very excited about seeing the show and as it went on you could tell she was really enjoying it. Towards the end, she was singing along with every song. The smile on her face was just as big as springtime. She was 100% in the music, in the story... nowhere near Fayetteville Arkansas for the night. It was fantastic to watch. That escape, getting lost in the show... that's what its all about, isn't it?

I couldn't help but look over and smile at my boy. Maybe the vacation wasn't panning out like we hoped, but we certainly had an absolutely lovely night together. The music, the show, the dinner, the walk up Dickson Street... it was all just different. It was relaxation and excitement all wrapped into a completely unique experience for both of us. I'll spare you all cliche mentions of enchanted evenings, but I bet you can all guess what I'm humming today...

<3

Mary is a loser.

2010-03-27T07:56:00.000-07:00

My friend Mary wants to lose 150 pounds.

Its a big job, and its so damn hard to do even with the full support of everyone in your life. Its making different choices, staying consistent, and re-training your brain to recognize the difference between unhealthy habits and actual hunger. In a society where fast food is more readily available than fresh food, its so difficult to find a balance between eating well and eating realistically.

Mary is a mother of 3, she shapes her day around her kiddos, her husband, her family, and her close friends. She commits herself to making a happy home, kissing boo-boos, and trying to keep up with mountains of laundry. She's remarkable though because I have honestly never seen this woman not smiling, in the 5+ years I've known her I have never seen her cry, or frown, or mope. She is just a ray of sunshine all the time. Through financial difficulty, through the ups and downs of marriage, child-rearing, exhaustion... she's always got something positive to say.

When I lost my 100 pounds, Mary was a constant force in my life. She was the most encouraging friend I had all. the. time. Now women, none of us want to admit this but we all hate to see our friends get skinnier than us. There's something within all of us that makes us go "wait, she looks better than me! well crap." We're all guilty of it, its just part of having a vagina. None of us can deny that, we've all felt it at some point. Over the years, she has never neglected to tell me how wonderful I looked every time I saw her. She never distanced herself from me or made catty remarks... she was 100% supportive always.

She's been trying to lose 150 pounds for a while now. She's lost and gained, and lost again, but she fights what every person does... its just hard, its even harder when you add a family and a full schedule, and its nearly impossible when you're a mama who dedicates every bit of your life to your family and your kids. If Mary is guilty of anything, its neglecting herself. She wants to be on the Biggest Loser. So far she's been to 2 casting calls and she's trying to garner support on the internet. If anyone deserves an opportunity to focus solely on herself, it is her because I guarantee that if you gave someone so determined and committed the tools to improve her life, she would absolutely soar.

So with that said, support my friend Mary. She absolutely deserves it.

Post this button on your blog to support Mary

<div align="center"><a href="http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=112681905409467&ref=mf" title="Get Mary Farmer on the Biggest Loser" target="_blank"><img src="http://gickr.com/results4/anim_209c0c76-3103-6df4-3de7-c26ba5648d05.gif" alt="Get Mary Farmer on the Biggest Loser" style="border:none;" /></a></div>

Good luck, mama! You are wonderful, beautiful, and you deserve this. I'm behind you all the way.

Say What!? +CONTEST!!!

2010-03-17T14:56:00.000-07:00

I walked in the bathroom to check on my 3 year old this weekend and she looked up at me and said "The fucking bugs are back!"

!!!!!!

"The what?"

"Um, the bugs... are back."

"The WHAT bugs are back?"

"Fucking."

"We don't EVER say that word, little miss. Where in the world did you hear that word!?!?!"
(Please say daddy, please say daddy, please say daddy)

"The Little People"

"...The little people told you that word?"

Matter-of-factly: "Yes"

Which one of you did this? WHICH ONE!?!?! I demand someone tell me right now!!!

I lost it, totally laughed. I should've pulled out the bar of soap right then and laid down the law... but oh my god. The little people told her to say "fuck" !?!?! How do kids come up with this stuff? I mean, let's be honest here... she could've very well blamed me, but being the precious and intelligent child she is, she was gracious enough to not only lay the blame elsewhere, but to make me laugh at the same time! She's got me figured out already, I'm telling you.

This is my favorite shirt ever. It pretty much describes exactly how I feel about my hometown. Come on and try to tell me you don't love this shirt, or Fayetteville for that matter... even if you've never been here, it just screams me, right!?! Right.

Anyhow, I don't own it because I'm a respectable member of society and a mother and I can't very well go around wearing shirts that curse at people. Actually, none of that is true... I basically just haven't dropped $15 on it yet, and that's a damn shame.

But you know what- you won't have that problem.

Tell me your favorite "oops!" moment in the comments... either as a parent or a child.

I want to hear some juicy stories... Bad words, accidental walk-ins, the whole 9 yards. Did you (or your parents) lose it? Did you get your mouth washed out with soap or your hands smacked?

Tell me stories, best one wins free stuff from Rock City Outfitters, maker of this and many other lovely shirts.

...and GO!

*no guarantee of which shirt, just be a very happy little cupcake with whatever lovely gift you get, deal? though if you tell me in the comments which shirt is your favorite, i'll pass that along to the t-shirt fairies and we'll see if they can make it happen. fairies, like cursing toddlers, can be very gracious at times as well.

*comment link is up top. or click {here}

The Birthday Cupcake Saga... and why I hate being a modern mama

2010-03-12T08:37:00.001-08:00

Here are Marti Pearl's cupcakes. 24 strawberry-on-strawberry with rainbow sprinkles, a job my very precious nearly 3 year old took quite seriously, sprinkling 3-4 at a time, which left her adorable little hands color-speckled and sticky. She loves to bake, so much so that she asks to make cookies or cupcakes every. single. night. And she's great at it! For a child her age, she has an amazing understanding of what it takes to make the food we eat, and I'm so proud of that.

This morning we marched in proudly carrying the cupcakes, and all she could say over and over again was "I made cupcakes!" When her teachers saw us, they immediately frowned. No homemade cupcakes allowed, only store bought.

Seriously?

I mean, I get it... I really do, no one wants to get sued. There are bad people in this world that do terrible things, we're all hyper-sensitive and no one wants to do the wrong thing here... but its a goddamned cupcake.

What happened to the days of bake sales and potlucks? Its not like they were that long ago, I remember the days before Pepsi-sponsored elementary schools when bake sales were how we made money. My mom and I would make my grandfather's "hurry up" peanut butter cake, then sit out in lawn chairs overlooking tables and tables of delicious treats. This is one of those "pinnacle of childhood" kind of moments: the first moment I lusted. And don't you dare knock it, lust has gotten me far in life.

I'm Methodist- I've got potluck casserole in my veins. My grandfather always has the same response when I ask him "Grandaddy, what's so different about Methodists and Baptists?" "Methodists have better potlucks". Do we still potluck like we used to? Are we all really that worried about how clean our friends & neighbors kitchens are? Worried that someone would rat poison the broccoli cheese casserole? Have we just gone that nuts?

I, for one, am not impressed. And I have a feeling that when 2:30 rolls around and my daughter sees those damn chocolate frosted cupcakes I hurriedly dropped $30 on at the bakery this morning, she's going to be very disappointed. Are we so worried about liability that we've stopped appreciating the little things that made us who we were? What does that mean for our children? What about the kids who have never had the pleasure of eating a homemade cupcake? What about the parents who don't have the cash to spend on birthday treats for a school that demands uniformity?

Why can't we all just eat some fucking cupcakes and be happy?

Overworked & Underpaid

2010-03-01T18:44:00.000-08:00

I haven't posted in a coon's age. Want to know why?

I'm working myself to death, y'all. I'm in such desperate need of a vacation that I don't know what to do with myself. I love what I do, and I feel so very thankful that for the first time since I started my business in 2006 (www.lushinnovative.com) I am completely covered up with work. Its an incredible feeling, to know that I'm finally making a living doing what I love, and that people recognize that I'm really pretty damn good at it!

When I started my company it was because I had no other option. Pregnant and jobless I turned to the one career I avoided like the plague, growing up with a family of designers I never considered graphic design art... I wouldn't ever "sell out" like that. Blah blah blah, whatevs. I was silly, and now I am a fantastic graphic designer who totally kicks ass and takes names on a regular basis. Its a life, and I really do love it. I work from wherever I want, whenever I want. My very favorite part is getting to create all day long. I help shape businesses and directly contribute to other people's success and there's no better feeling. It is wonderful.

You know what's not wonderful, though? Not being able to consistently provide the security for my family that we honestly need. I'm at the point where I have to honestly look at my life and say "is it more important to own my own business, to be my own boss... or to make a good living and live with less stress?" I'm just so tired of working all day long, just to come home and work all night. 12-16 hour days are completely normal. Everyday I long for the opportunity to sit and not work, to actually relax and not feel guilty for it.

Perhaps its because I'm overwhelmed, or because I haven't had a vacation in over a year, or because I'm exhausted... but I'm feeling a big need to make a change. Being a single mama and owning a small business is an amazing feat, and I'm so proud that I've made this work, but I have to wonder what our quality of life would be if the constant stress over finances eased just a bit.

Home. Improvement.

2010-01-17T11:23:00.000-08:00

Marti Pearl and I moved into our home in August. I painted every room, and its absolutely beautiful now! For the first time, my little girl and I have a home of our own that is completely "us" ...Marti Pearl's room with the chalkboard walls, the "princess" bed, my room with the dark blue walls, the bright red dresser... its just perfect.

As a parent, I feel thrilled that I can provide this for my daughter. As a single mama, I feel thankful to the people who have made it possible. People who love us and care for us more than they even do themselves. When one of my closest friends told me that her parents would let us rent this place, I cried. The time could not have been more right. They've been such an amazing support to us. To have a home I take pride in, that I can pay for myself is so very important. They are making it possible for me to succeed, and they're giving me more freedom than I've ever expected.

I am so very blessed.

I am an addict. (There, I said it.)

2010-01-13T07:49:00.000-08:00

Its taken me a very long time to come to this point... but I have a problem and need to admit it openly.

I've been under a lot of criticism lately from certain people in my life, and its really caused me to look at my behaviors, my habits... and I'm not thrilled with what I've found. As an old friend used to say "It's hard enough writing down your faults, harder yet to proof-read them." Its taken quite a while, but I have... here goes nothing.

I am an addict.

My dad says addicts should write letters to their addictions to fully realize them... so I've done just that.

I'm writing you this letter because I have to take responsibility and move on. You are my crutch, my friend when I'm alone... I bring to you my worries and doubts, my celebrations and smiles. You encourage me to share my confessions and secrets, you're always there waiting on me.

You and I have all sorts of fun together. We know all the same people, and god... all my friends just love you. You have the ability to liven up a party or hell, make one out of nothing! You make me everyone's favorite girl... more confident, charming, and funnier than I really am. I can't even imagine a social gathering without you... it just wouldn't feel right.

I've given you up before... walked away because everyone said I needed to. They recognized my problem before I ever did... and now that I have, well... here we are. I know I can't give you up for good. I could never do that... but you can't be in the forefront of my life any longer. I've got to start living. Its with much regret I admit I haven't done as much of that as I should... I've just been too concerned with my relationship with you for too long.

You'll still see me around. I've just got to have some adventures of my own... without you, Twitter.

I'll always love you.
<3

I really am addicted to twitter.

I tweet at the grocery store, on the toilet, at work, at home, from my bed, from my boyfriend's bed... its gotta stop.
Its not that I feel like its impacting the quality of my life (denial: it aint just a river, kids!) I just feel like its gotten a little ridiculous. There is not one of my 600 followers who cares a bit about what I ate for breakfast, what new hair product I spent too much money on at Walgreens, cupcake deliveries, my pizza-related tummy issues, or how productive my Friday was. Not a damn one of 'em. You know who does care, though? The few people who use twitter to keep tabs on me.

Self-important as it may be, there are people who are interested in everything I have to say because they're waiting to criticize it. Those people are reading this right now (hey girl, hey!) and becoming more private won't stop them from checking on me... but it certainly will give them less to work with. When I've criticized The Duggars in the past, its been for opening their family up to the whole world, then I've gone and done the same thing.

From October, 2008:
We're emotionally invested in their situation as if we actually know them, because on some level we all do. My good friend Rachael M. made a very important point, which I feel like not enough of us are actually considering.... they have opened themselves up to criticism by inviting TV cameras into their lives.

If you give a mouse a cookie...

I open up too much, always have. I will talk about any and everything with just about anyone. Its one of my beautiful faults and though I recognize it as a weakness, I'm not ashamed of it. Its what draws people to me, and I hope it never changes. What I do need to change is the manner in which I communicate. Its so easy to do everything digitally nowadays, It went from emails replacing letter writing to Twitter replacing happy hour. I've replaced so much of my social interaction with a cell phone/computer that its really quite embarrassing.

My relationship with Twitter is more real than some of my friendships. This. Is. A. PROBLEM. Is it better to have 600 people emotionally invested in my life, or close relationships with 6 people? My close friends are amazing, and I wonder... am I as good a friend as I can be to them? Am I too busy live-tweeting our hangouts to fully engage?

So henceforth, less @gerlaugh, more face-to-face.

I'll always love you Twitter, but we need to start seeing other people.

Confessions

2009-12-30T09:04:00.000-08:00

I confess that I'm fickle.
I confess that I never came.
I confess that I do love a challenge.
I confess that I've been depressed.
I confess that I lied to you.
I confess that I've been selfish.
I confess that my hunger for love took precedence over my hunger for respect.
I confess that I was reckless.
I confess that I put my needs last too often.
I confess that the sex was terrible.
I confess that I've been jealous.
I confess that I was self-destructive.
I confess this was not the life I planned.
I confess that I think you're totally nuts.
I confess that I'm impulsive.
I confess that I used you for my own personal gain.
I confess that you didn't deserve what you got.
I confess that I do, in fact, hate.
I confess that your penis really was tiny.
I confess that I cried even though I said I didn't.
I confess that I never opened up to you.
I confess that I liked you too much.
I confess that I threw your birthday present in the trash because I was mad at you.
I confess that I never knew which eye to look at.
I confess that I don't know what happened that night either.
I confess that I shouldn't have driven.
I confess that I had no idea what I was doing.
I confess that you've always creeped me out.
I confess that I laughed when I shouldn't have.
I confess that I opened up too much.
I confess that I've been scared.
I confess that online dating fed me for about a month.
I confess that I've been shallow.
I confess that after cleaning up after you I never felt the same about you.
I confess that I don't remember.
I confess that I want more.
I confess that I've spent more time working, and not enough time playing.
I confess that I've censored myself because of other people's fear.
I confess that I wasn't a very good friend.
I confess that I went hungry because I was too proud to ask for help.
I confess that the only thing I liked about you was the fancy dinners I didn't have to pay for.
I confess that I hate my body sometimes.
I confess that I miss you.
I confess that I made wrong decisions.
I confess that I still can't poop in a public restroom.
I confess that I'm intimidated by you.
I confess that I long for a vacation.
I confess that I'm still overwhelmed by anger towards you.
I confess that I wanted you to be my everything, regardless of how unfair that was.
I confess that I have addiction issues.
I confess that I still think she's a worthless whore.
I confess that I've been rude.
I confess that we fight too much.
I confess that I didn't like the food you made me.
I confess that I broke it.
I confess that it was awful timing.
I confess that I was at times surprised by your stupidity.
I confess that I knew something was wrong all along.
I confess that I peed in a hotel sink.
I confess that it did make me stronger, but it took much more of a toll than I'll ever admit.
I confess that I pity you.
I confess that I went on 2 dates in one night.
I confess that I never understood you.
I confess that sometimes my insecurities get the best of me.
I confess that I got my heart broken.
I confess that I expect more every day.
I confess that I don't see myself like you do.
I confess that I fart in public.
I confess that my heart gets ahead of my brain.
I confess that I get nostalgic.
I confess that I've never trusted, and that its still hard.
I confess that I worry about me too.
I confess that I'm a work in progress.

My favorite blogger, Ms. Single Mama is doing a contest for New Years. When I watched her video explaining the contest I felt so darn inspired. This goes so far beyond a necklace, or even a blog... this was a tremendously hard year full of so much change. I am ready to make bigger changes in my life, and I've got to start letting go of the things that are holding me back.

I never expected to fall in love with 4 people instead of 1.

2009-12-29T15:05:00.000-08:00

I'm a single mom of 1 dating a single dad of 3. This is my first relationship with a man who has children... Initially, I was hesitant but excited. I'll be honest... I'm not nuts about other people's kids. Awful, I know... but I'm just not. I think its basically because my kid is so far beyond awesome that when I'm around kids that aren't, I feel bad for everyone involved. I mean, except for my kid... because she's obviously superior. Really though, um... I like awesome kids. The rest I'm kindof "meh" about.

In dating post-separation, I found myself stuck, facing the same issues over and over again. I'm an amazing woman and my daughter is (see above) really awesome. We're both entertaining, beautiful, and good for laughs. We're adventurous & spontaneous, open and loving... we've really got a lot to offer. I was dating single guys with no kids over and over again. All different ages with different careers and lives, it always came down to the same issue... I'm a really big package. Talk about a whole lot of responsibility from the get-go.

None of those guys were interested in dating a mom... and I couldn't blame them. I wasn't seeking out a dad either. I had plenty on my plate without any of that business and I was dating guys who were in the same exact position. Career-driven, preoccupied, understandably self-centered... they just weren't on the same page as I was. Frustrating as that was sometimes, I understood it.

I never really considered dating a single father, but when I became interested in the boy, it was because he was a dad. Over a series of messages one night, he told me about his kids, and I found myself in crush city with this amazing father.

But don't think I really understood what that meant for me, for us. In fact, I'm still learning everyday. The boy and I have been together for over 6 months now, and we're past "dating" and more in "serious relationship" territory, full of big talk and commitments. We find comfort, understanding, and mutual support in each other. I kiss his forehead after a long day and he takes my trash out. We're both looking forward to many more years of finding toys in our tennis shoes and quiet time after the kids go to bed...

There's a lot of miles between 2 people dating who both happen to have kids and a "blended family". Right now, we're right in the middle of it. Our kids love each other, his family has welcomed us with open arms, hell, I'm even good friends with his ex wife... My daughter is nuts about him, his boys love me, and I'm finally getting to know his youngest, which out of respect for her mother, I've not been able to develop a relationship with yet. We are doing the very best we can, and for the first time since we've been together, it finally feels like everything is simply falling into place.

For the record, I'm not sure I'm comfortable with the term "blended family" ...I mean, its appropriate enough for the situation but at this point in my own relationship it'd be better described as a big ol' mess of kids who aren't quite sure what their relationship is, and 2 parents who are trying hard to figure that out themselves.

I got snowed in with his family for Christmas. His whole family with my small family of 2, spending the holiday together. We were simply not ready for that. Its not that we're not madly in love, or that we're not completely committed to this relationship, its just that we haven't figured out what all of this commitment means yet. I worried that it would really put a strain on us, but we're closer than ever.

I realized never stopped to consider how I felt about becoming a "stepmom" or starting a "blended family" - I just fell in love.

I never expected to gain a family from a relationship, especially so soon after the family I'd planned on and worked so hard for dissolved.

Really, what it comes down to for me is that I never expected to fall in love with 4 people instead of 1.

But I couldn't be happier.

This week I'll be exploring a lot of things that have been on my heart all year. 2009 has been a year of self-discovery and improvement and I have no doubt that 2010 will be even better. I am one hell of an uncommon mama, but you guys don't even know the half of it. I'm overflowing with stories that I'm finally ready to share.

This blog will be changing quite a bit. For now, just get the wine ready, mama's got a hell of a lot to talk about. <3

Painting again.

2009-12-26T21:35:00.000-08:00

I've neglected my blog completely over the past month... between an enormous project at work and Christmas, life has been incredibly hectic but I've got an even better excuse...

I started painting again.

I've done this a few times since the bean was born, but it never seems to stick. Life just gets in the way every time, and I end up painting a picture or two then no more. I get so damn distracted, and I never find the time to dedicate to it.

This time just feels different. I've fought the urge all night to start another piece. I want so much to paint, just to feel the rush of seeing something take shape. I did 3 pieces for Christmas presents, and I am so very pleased with all of them. They're all presents, and I haven't given any of them to the proper recipients yet so I can't post any pictures, but soon... I promise.

In the meantime, here are my old pieces: artXcore

and here's the first of the new series I'm working on: Robots!

Thanksgiving

2009-11-27T10:14:00.000-08:00

I am thankful for my beautiful daughter, wonderful friends, loving family, and plentiful work.

This Thanksgiving brought time to reflect on change and new beginnings. My dad started chemo on Monday, but was well enough to prepare a delicious turkey on Wednesday. My mom, sister, Bean girl and I all sat down at his table for the first time ever this Thanksgiving. We ate and laughed, and even though we're all feeling uncertain about the future and concerned about his health, we enjoyed ourselves and our time together immensely.

Bean girl had Thanksgiving with her father this year and I spent the holiday with my boyfriend's family, who enjoyed this year as their first in Arkansas. It was beautiful- his mother really made a feast! The sheer amount of food was almost overwhelming, and good lord was it tasty...

Its so strange watching a family that's so different from my own, their customs and traditions... the family dynamic is foreign but warm, very open and accepting. We all circled around the table; his father & mother, brother, & children... myself, their family friend, and my boyfriend's ex-wife & her boyfriend... all sitting together as a family. They toasted and then his son asked everyone to say what we were thankful for. I said I was thankful to know everyone, and to be included. I fought tears yesterday thinking about how lucky I was.

Family is so very important. I look forward all year to Christmas, to spending time with my mom dad & sister, grandparents, aunts & uncles, cousins. Everyone's so spread out, from London, England to Baton Rouge, Louisiana... but we all come together once a year for a couple of days. We eat and open presents and tell stories, and god, do we laugh... My ex-husband says his favorite part of the divorce is not having to spend Christmas with my family anymore, and I'll never understand it. These people are my very core- and without them I'd be nothing. They are my support and understanding, to love them is to know me.

This year my family is extended. Being with my boyfriend and his family has been wonderful. They're a strong family... so loving. They believe wholeheartedly in an unbreakable bond in roots and blood, and its obvious in the way they speak, the stories they tell. They include everyone, and they're fiercely protective in a way I admire more than I could even say. Being included means being understood, loved, & protected. Getting to know them means understanding even more who the man I fell in love with really is, was, and will be.

This year it all just means so much more. Maybe its my dad being sick, or maybe its the divorce, or maybe, just maybe... I'm getting older and wiser and I'm realizing the true value of having people that can see me and love me, flaws and all, because of a common bond. There's just nothing more important than that.

Fuck Cancer.

2009-11-17T20:57:00.000-08:00

When I was a little girl, my dad was my partner in crime.

We spent our time fishing and wrestling, playing in the yard and eating junk food.

He has the gentlest soul you'll ever encounter. He's got the spirit of a grandpa, and he's always had it. 30 or 50, he's just so gentle.

When my parents divorced my world crashed down around me.

My dad was my best friend, I didn't understand how I could live without him.

I did though. I lived without him for 10 years. I lived with a lot of hurt and a lot of sadness. I grew up needing him so much, and he just wasn't there.

He remarried a few times, he spent some time in jail, he checked out and stayed stoned for a lot of years.

Eventually he cleaned himself up, I made contact with him and tried to build a relationship... and it worked. We got really close, and when I decided to go to college closer to him, I was able to start really learning about my dad.

He had cancer really bad. The chemo & radiation made him look slightly frail. Well over 6ft tall and at nearly 300 lbs, he still towered over me but he just felt different. He felt worried. The tumor in his liver was big, and it wasn't shrinking. He was sick but worked hard anyway, always struggling to make ends meet. I don't remember when he started his "crazy" juice diet, or the supplements, or the positive thinking, but the combination of it all just worked. The tumor disappeared. Remission.

My dad was able to change my daughter's diaper the day we brought her home from the hospital. This summer, my little sister moved in with him. She spent the summer before college building the relationship she never had with him.

My dad starts chemo again very soon. My mom called and told me yesterday. All of her words jumbled, because deep down it doesn't matter how small the tumor was, how much of it they removed, or how positive the doctor was. My dad is sick again, and I am absolutely torn up over it.

Fuck cancer. Fuck it completely.

I was going to post words, but decided on pictures instead.

2009-11-15T21:42:00.000-08:00

These all came from Le Love & We Heart It.

What in the world is a single mom, and am I one?

2009-10-26T11:12:00.001-07:00

I never meant to be a single mom.

My mom was a single mom... still is, in fact. She raised us on her own, without the every-other-weekend break and oftentimes, without any financial support at all. My dad wasn't a bad man by any means, he just wasn't a "dad" and by the time he realized it, I was grown. My mom never remarried. She's a single woman and a mother, and there's no confusion over her title. She is a single mother, through and through. Am I one, though?

I remember my first love. Do you?
His name was Justin and he was an odd duck. He was my first real, mom-sanctioned boyfriend. We went on dates and I'd ride the bus home with him sometimes, a huge responsibility my mom told me... and one I took very seriously. She was very protective but she liked Justin... everyone did! He was funny and unpredictable and complimented my spontaneous Leo spirit quite well. He dyed his hair and listened to Radiohead. He lived with his mom in a trailer park and didn't know his dad.

I remember laying in his bed after school, making out and listening to music when we heard the front door open. I nervously jumped out of bed. He stayed laying there, totally relaxed, and asked me what was wrong. I began listing all of the things that were "wrong" and at the age of 15, laying in bed with a boy was pretty high on that list. "Wouldn't your mom get mad?" I asked, and he laughed. "She doesn't care, come lay back down" and I did. Laying there I couldn't wrap my mind around it... she didn't mind us laying in bed together? The concept blew my young mind. My mom wasn't terribly strict, but Jesus! That would never fly.

As I got to know his mom over the months that we dated, I realized he was right... she didn't care if we laid in bed together, or if we stayed out too late, or if we didn't come home at all. In fact, there wasn't much she did care about. His mom worked at a factory and drank vodka straight from the plastic bottle. She kept her dildo in the dish drainer and took the Lord's name in vain. Her skin had no softness left, she always smelled like smoke and sex.

Justin and I had been anxiously waiting for the opening night of Fight Club and we begged my mom to take us to the theater. She couldn't, so we asked his mom. She said she'd be glad to as long as we'd buy her a ticket. I smelled the vodka on her and knew she had her little bottle tucked away in her purse. He begrudgingly agreed, but only if she'd sit somewhere else. We sat on the very last row, holding hands and watching the movie intently until suddenly she stood up and started screaming at me. Yelling names that even to this day make me blush, accusing us of having sex in the theater. As she ran towards me I looked at him and burst into tears. We were both confused, as we'd been so intent in watching the movie we hadn't even kissed! She grabbed us by our arms and pulled us into the lobby, scolding us loudly the whole way. I was shocked and humiliated.

It was then that I realized just as my dad never was a "dad" his mom was definitely not a "mom". Single or not, there was no "mother" to her aside from the fact that she at one point birthed a child. There's such an enormous difference in the title and the job, and though his situation was much more explosive than mine, he had no control over that relationship, just as I didn't. It became clear what our bond was from the start.

My mom took on the role of both parents not because she wanted to, but because it was her job. I'm very lucky in that I have Marshall's help raising our daughter... I don't have to be a dad, I just have to be a really good mama. Its a mentality, an active effort every day to be just... more.

At what point though, am I no longer a "single" mama? I mean, technically... I'm not "single" since I have a boyfriend, but I am still a single mom through and through. The numerous classifications within the title are what have me confused. Am I single, partnered/coupled, formerly-single? What if my boyfriend has virtually nothing to do with how I raise my daughter? Does it come down to his impact on decision making and his literal presence in her life? Do I decide or do other people?

My boyfriend, though a fantastic father himself, has very little to do with how I raise Miss Bean. He suggests an earlier bedtime for her and could color with her for hours, but all decisions relating to her are between her dad and I. He doesn't do my dishes or watch my daughter... not because I don't trust him to do so, and hell- I'd take help with the dishes anyday, but he just doesn't. And its not even that we don't have that kind of relationship... he's just an incredibly busy guy. Between 3 kids & work, he's pretty much not up for doing anyone's dishes but his own and that's fine by me. I'm capable and responsible for those aspects of my life.

He does support me though... and I don't mean he's paying my rent (though if need be, he'd gladly do it I have a feeling) I mean he listens to me cry and reassures me when I need it. He makes things better, and he strives to make me smile. Yesterday was an incredibly tough day because of a miscommunication with Bean girl's dad which ruined our plans of spending the day hanging out all together. I was downright sad, feeling sorry for myself, and he was wholly supportive through every bit of it. That's a huge advantage in my opinion.

If he did do my dishes and watch my kid would I be less of a single mom?

If at some point this road leads us to living together and/or marriage, will I still be a single mom?

What if I'm still doing my own dishes and watching my kid more than his?

A couple of my favorite bloggers have already discussed this (Martini Mom | One Smarmy Mama), but I want to hear your thoughts as well...

At what point am I no longer a "single" mom, or if since I am no longer with the father of my daughter, will I always be one?

Some opinions from my Facebook:

Heather Kendrick Gerlaugh is a single mama with a boyfriend. Does that mean I'm still a ''single mom'' ? Blog in the works...

Melissa

My first inclination is "yes"... Until you are married again or living together as a married couple then you are a single mom (with a boyfriend)... Now you just have a longer title!

2 hours ago · Delete

Danielle

technically...pretty much. Then again, it all kind of plays into how much of the child rearing is the boyfriend doing also. I'm in the same boat. I am still technically a "single mom" but we have been working as a unit lately but at this point the major decisions are still mine to make...until we're in a position where we aren't living separately and such I guess I have that position...though we do discuss a lot of things and his input is greatly considered and we pretty much work everything out as if we were all living as a family at this point. It's going to be there soon and we're just in transition phases now.

2 hours ago · Delete

Jamie

Yep, until you are married again can you be classified as anything but single, on paperwork boyfriends dont count for much except maybe emergency contacts.

2 hours ago · Delete

Travis

that's a tough call. maybe it depends on how many decisions he is involved in about the kiddo.

2 hours ago · Delete

Erin

Yes, you are a single Mom, in my opinion. The main care-taking for kiddo comes from you -- the "single" refers to parenting by yourself (in partnership with you ex, I know, but still)! My hat goes off to you -- it's tough work!

2 hours ago · Delete

Lauran

Single until you file joint tax returns and/or you share insurance.

2 hours ago · Delete

Ronald

You most certainly are! You are just getting more help now!

2 minutes ago · Delete

All we needed was matching pajamas.

2009-10-20T12:28:00.000-07:00

The boyfriend and I have been in a funk.

I don't know if its growing pains, or if perhaps we're just finally settling in with one another and becoming comfortable with our place in each other's lives, but there's been a lull in the lovins.

This is a very different relationship than any I've ever been in though... for the first time, I feel as if I am with an absolute equal. Instead of chasing or being chased, I'm just enjoying his company, and reveling in the fact that I am so very much in love with someone who is so perfectly suited for me. Emotionally, mentally, physically (hubba hubba) I've found my match. Its passion and love and mutual support and understanding... pretty much everything I could ask for.

So why the funk? Well, I just don't know.

I don't mean that I don't very much love him, because I really do. And I know he's very much in love with me too, but we're both very busy and that's started to take its toll. He's a dad to 3 kids who take up a majority of his time and I'm a mama that spends a majority of hers with Miss Bean and work. When we're not working and being parents... we're doing laundry and you know, bathing, sleeping, eating, etc. There's just not much time for he and I to just enjoy being a couple. I could easily count on two hands the amount of times we've been out on dates, and its really not that we don't want to go out, we just can't ever get motivated at the same time.

"we're in love, everybody knows about it, now what?"

We're no longer a "new" couple. We've met each other's friends and families, our Facebook relationship status tells the internet that we are officially in a relationship, and our kids are spending lots of time together. We're fully invested and we're both thrilled about it, but what happens now? We share the fear of growing bored, both being through a divorce, we can't afford to assume that we know what we're doing is the right thing... Luckily, I think it gives us the advantage of knowing what we want and need and being comfortable communicating it. I can easily say this is the happiest I've ever been, but how do I keep it this way?

My grandparents are a lovely couple that have been married for nearly 60 years. That's an amazing amount of years already, but after spending a holiday with them I assure you... you'd be completely boggled as to how they haven't killed each other by now. They don't fight or yell or get angry, but they easily spend half their day bickering. Over everything and nothing at the same time, they are the two most stubborn people I've ever met. My grandmother will tell you the secret to a long marriage is finding someone you can argue with and I don't know that she's not completely right. She tells the story of being engaged prior to meeting my grandfather, to an absolutely boring man with loads of money. She would've been set for a life of luxury, but she left him for a one-armed preacher with a wild streak who absolutely irritated the crap out of her.

I used to think they were such unhappy people, what with all the little tiffs they'd get into over every little thing... but when my grandmother was diagnosed with cancer his love and passion for her was undeniable. He'd burst into tears at the drop of a hat, telling us how unbearable life would be without her. They live to bicker with each other.

My grandmother said she's never gone to bed mad at him, and I believe it. I don't know that she actually does ever get really, truly mad at him, but she sure does act like it. They are equal in their relationship... both playing antagonist or protagonist, depending on the moment. They constantly bicker about nothing because they're so damn passionate about loving each other... and good for them! At 75 my grandparents are madly in love with each other. So many couples can't say that at 25, 35, 45... much less after 4 kids! Its absolutely wonderful.

After a particularly rough week and long weekend apart, Mat and I found ourselves grumpy and doubting ourselves. I was upset with him for never wanting to get out of the house and do anything and he was upset with me for not just enjoying our time together, sans-kids, just hanging out. It was silly but after dealing with lots of stress all week, we let it elevate to a point where we were both even grumpier and more unhappy.

That was, until he brought out the matching pajamas.

Somehow he ended up with 2 pair of pajama pants. They're Christmas-y: red with green dots, and they're pretty darn big on me, but when he offered me some comfy pants and I saw there were 2 pair, I knew we were gonna be alright. Yes, that's right kids- I found a boy who willingly put on matching pajama pants and allowed pictures to be taken. This boy, he loves me a whole lot.

Sometimes all I need is the realization that I am loved and appreciated more than I've ever expected. I need a spontaneous expression of affection every now and again, and he's really good about providing that.

I don't know if bickering is the secret to a happy relationship, but I know that even though we've faced a tremendous amount of challenging situations since we've been together, I love this boy more than I ever dreamed I would. Obviously, he feels the same way. These things are tricky... especially when you add extremely time-consuming careers and kids. And who knows... i'll probably always have to work hard to convince him to go out and have fun after a long day, but this is going to work. We're just good together.

If it's good to complicate than both of us are doing fine
Just keep your eyes on your part and leave me alone to mine
If it's good to instigate than we're a fast horse, bet on us
I'm not calling you an animal
I think we just fight too much

Come on, in spite of this we're doing just fine
Even diamonds start as coal
Give us time to shine
Even diamonds start as coal

We're both aligned in framed of mind but circumstance has got us good
And now you're seeing a side of me I wished no one ever would
Yeah, if it's right to pick a fight, we're fingers in a sugar bowl
Love isn't perfect
Even diamonds start out as coal

Hey now, in spite of this we're doing just fine
Even diamonds start as coal
Give us time to shine
Even diamonds start as coal
Even diamonds start as coal
We're incomplete and infantine
Even diamonds start as coal

Give it time girl, the fire feels divine
The sweetest things
They burn before they shine
We think way too much
Look at us losing touch
A promise is a promise until...

Yeah, in spite of this we're doing just fine
Even diamonds start as coal
Give us time to shine
Even diamonds start as coal
Even diamonds start as cpaö
We're incomplete and infantine
Even diamonds start as coal

Let's blow this popsicle stand!

2009-10-04T14:03:00.000-07:00

My Twitter-friend @sarahfortune posted a bunch of pictures from her weekend girl's trip and I have got the bug!!! (BTW, are these not the cutest girls you've ever seen in your whole life!? I mean really!?!?! And Eureka Springs is fantastic-such a fun and unique little town.)

I see pictures of friend's amazing girls getaways to far away places and I think "sigh... that looks so nice" but as a single mama and a freelancer (who frankly, at the moment, is pretty "buh" about all things work-related because of a severe lack of funds) I just can't dream that big!

I saw Sarah's pictures from her close-to-home weekend away and I immediately started dreaming up some time away.

My girls and I used to take trips... never all together, but once a month we made a point to get out of town for a while, even if it was only to go sleep in a different place and explore some other town for a weekend.

Usually I could even work it out to where I could meet with clients and call it a "business trip" so i didn't feel quite as guilty leaving the bean and spending money on myself.

The last trip we took was to Eureka Springs in August for Jacey & I's birthday, and it was such a good time!!

At a club in Tulsa - Winter 2008

Ashley & I - Little Rock, 2009

Downtown Little Rock - Spring 2009

Driving to Memphis - October 2008

Nachos, 3:45am - Little Rock, January 2009

Nachos, 3:45am - Little Rock, January 2009

Meeting Elvis - Little Rock, Spring 2009

Jamey and I - Little Rock, January 2009

With Chris & Zach - Little Rock, October 2008

At the Miss Gay Arkansas Pageant - Little Rock, Spring 2009

Marti Pearl and I with the 'sisters' in Eureka Springs - August 2009

So what do you say, girls? Let's skeedaddle for a couple of days!!

I want...

2009-09-27T07:25:00.000-07:00

I really really miss shopping. So much so that when I was doing some research for a client recently which involved some serious time checking out shopping blogs, I went a little wishlist crazy. Its lovely stuff though, right?

I've always wanted a little silver heart necklace.
Etsy seems to have quite a fantastic selection: 1 2 3 4 5 (my favorite!)

Rock City Outfitters is straight up rad.

I've been lusting over these mother's rings by local jewelry designer David Adams for a good while. Mamas, aren't these fantastic?

I love this girl so much.

2009-09-21T10:23:00.000-07:00

I've always believed in the principle of karma. Good things happen when you do good things... good actions spawning good results... yadda yadda blah blah.

I am completely blessed. I am obviously doing something very right, because I have so many good friends.

I've admitted I'm scared of tall people. I met one of my best friends because of that silly, irrational fear.

Photo by Holly Metcalf

She's tall. She's real frickin tall. And she's a dead ringer for Maggie Gyllenhall or Katie Holmes depending on which one you like best. I, of course, am a total Maggie fan.

(seriously, its uncanny- right?)

Last Wednesday I sat with Jacey at her house and thought about life without children. A single lady, Jacey's life is pretty darn uncomplicated. She has a house that just feels warm with 2 happy dogs that greet you with kisses and never leave her side. We drank champagne on her couch to celebrate my 3rd wedding anniversary, and she didn't even get upset when my potty training toddler tinkled all over her floor. She laughs, she smiles, and she absolutely means it. This girl has genuine written all over her, and she's so creative and talented on top of it all, an illustrator who works hard to make such beautiful things.

She's amazing and she owns her own home and she does art for a living, she has no kids. I texted my boyfriend and said "I of course wouldn't trade Marti Pearl for the world, but I'm jealous of this... I look at Jacey and see such happiness and simplicity and I crave that so much. Her carpet doesn't have crackers ground into it, she owns her own home and drinks wine whenever she wants! She has glass trinkets on her coffee table!!" and I meant it. Every word of it. I admire her so much, and can't help but look around at her life and say "wow... that looks so very nice."

I had a hard morning. I emailed Jacey and her response was perfect.

Can't stop thinking about that email!

A friend sent this to me as support and I think you can draw on it too.

One of the hardest things to look at in this life is the lives we didn’t lead, the path not taken, potential left unfulfilled. In stories, those who look back — Lot’s wife, Orpheus and Eurydice — are lost. Looking to the side instead, to gauge how our companions are faring, is a way of glancing at a safer reflection of what we cannot directly bear, like Perseus seeing the Gorgon safely mirrored in his shield.

She sent me this amazing article to offer support in a completely unrelated situation without even knowing how very appropriate it was for our own friendship. Her support was incredibly appropriate, and well-timed.

Jacey, you are amazing. I love you to pieces.

Also, this quote killed me!!
I have never even idly thought for a single passing second that it might make my life nicer to have a small, rude, incontinent person follow me around screaming and making me buy them stuff for the rest of my life.

I'm afraid...

2009-09-19T13:45:00.000-07:00

I have a number of unreasonable phobias. Spiders, confinement, heights... you know, normal stuff. I know a spider is a tiny creature that is much more terrified of me than I am of him, and that the scary flutter I get in my chest when I look down and see the ground uncomfortably far from me isn't really necessary, but the fear is there nonetheless.

I have even sillier phobias, like my very real fear that I'll someday find a snake in my toilet bowl...

...or my absolutely inexplicable fear of tall people... these are not normal things and I know this. Though from the looks of it, I'm not the only one who thinks about toilet snakes.

My biggest fear though, is the fear of being a bad parent.

I see them all the time... moms & dads yelling at their kids, belittling them, or simply neglecting them. I worry that I won't nurture little Marti Pearl's spirit in the way I've always intended and that terrifies me. I worry that she'll inherit my self-esteem issues or that she won't keep the amazing spark I see in her every day. I worry that I don't spend enough time playing and truly enjoying our time together, without my laptop or cell phone in hand. I worry that she doesn't think I'm fun.

I know full well that I can't protect her in every instance, and that I can't be there for her all the time... especially now that her dad and I aren't together anymore. I understand that at some point there will be another woman introduced into her life for real, and that she'll spend time with another "mom" ...a concept that I am ok with, but deep down opens up a thousand questions and insecurities, but this is our life. Her life, my life, and I am responsible for every moment of it in my decisions and actions.

Isn't that fricking scary?
I mean down right terrifying?

Because everything we say and do is the length and shadow of our own souls, our influence is determined by the quality of our being.” -Dale E. Turner

My daughter is already such a person. She tells stories and delights in making me laugh, and she's WONDERFUL. Every moment, even the challenging ones, are beautiful because she's such a reflection of the good, innocent, real parts of me. I think that's what its all about...

“Be not angry that you cannot make others as you wish them to be, since you cannot make yourself as you wish to be.” -Thomas Kempis

We have bad days, live stressful lives, overwhelm ourselves, deal with things we'd rather not... In many instances, so many of the things we dealt with when we were teenagers have just mutated into bigger, busier, more stressful things. Divorce is hard. Breakups suck. In fact, I'd say they suck just as much now as they did when we were in Jr. High School... but we cannot revert to childish behavior and act irresponsibly. We simply do not have the luxury because there is too much depending on our own happiness.

I found myself in pain recently, frustrated because I couldn't find any relief and dreading chasing the toddler through the house just to put her shoes on. I lost my patience, and for what? She didn't know what in the world I was thinking about... she just saw an opportunity to run through the house and entice me to do the same. Who can blame her? Its annoying for us, incredibly fun for them. I immediately felt bad, and apologized to her for losing my patience. I explained that my back hurt and I was frustrated when she ran from me, but that she didn't know, so I was sorry. She lit up, and said "that's ok mommy. I love you. I make you feel better?" which was, in fact, exactly what I needed.

“The strongest influences in my life and my work are always whomever I love. Whomever I love and am with most of the time, or whomever I remember most vividly. I think that's true of everyone, don't you?” -Tennessee Williams

We owe it to our children to be good. Good to ourselves, to our family, but especially our children.

We owe it to them to be adults, and to maintain regardless of hurt or change or difficult times. Its incredibly irresponsible to assume that bad behavior and unhealthy relationships will not be mimicked in our children... and if we are their greatest example then how can we carry on in such a way without being downright neglectful of their very souls?

I worry about being a bad parent not because I treat my child disrespectfully or do things that would be considered taboo, because I just don't. I'm afraid of not realizing I'm being a bad parent because I'm too focused on everything else in my life and the consequences are so awful. I never want her to look back and say "I wish we would've just played more, mom" or "I wish you would smile more" That would break my heart completely.

“Courage is never to let your actions be influenced by your fears.” -Arthur Koestle

Recently, I lost a close friend over a very big argument. Due to my increased workload upon starting my new company I neglected our friendship and hurt her feelings. In an attempt to do the same, she said a lot of things that were very hurtful. Basically, she said that since I was working constantly and my daughter was spending a majority of her nights with her dad that I was a bad mom. I was crushed. In my entire life I had never been so hurt, and even though I knew it wasn't even remotely true, it made me very conscious of my actions. I was constantly second-guessing my decisions and word choices, wondering if she was right.

What I found was support, and acceptance, and resounding proof that she was so very wrong. My friends and family were shocked, but they were supposed to be on my side. My over-analyzing and soul searching led me back to Marti Pearl. She's such a happy, loving, well-adjusted child. She spends her time hugging and singing and blowing kisses, she would easily be the happy-go-lucky kid suckered into the back of a van and stolen forever (yet another HUUUGE fear) because she trusts everyone completely. The stinky guy at Wal-Mart scratching himself in the cracker aisle is just as much an opportunity to see and know another person as any other, there's not even a small sense of discrimination there. She's a trip. Seriously.

My boyfriend, knowing I was concerned about it said to me one night that the most attractive thing about me was my dedication to my daughter... and he's right. She's my everything, and I can't imagine my life any other way. I treat her like an adult, a partner in crime if you will... and she acts accordingly most of the time. Its hard remembering she's only 2 sometimes. He told me to stop worrying, that my daughter was a wonderful reflection of me and that I was doing just fine.

We worry about what a child will become tomorrow, yet we forget that he is someone today. -Stacia Tauscher

Last week Bean girl walked in tapping away on a calculator. When I asked what she was doing she said "I'm textin, mama!" ...a clear sign that I needed to put down the phone.

Sometimes we need reminding... hell, sometimes we need a smack right upside our head so that we always remember who is watching us. Our tears and angry words are constantly being measured just like our smiles and belly laughs, every single moment. I'm not afraid of that by any means because I know we're coming out on top.

I know I'm not a bad parent... just like I know my toilet is snake-free at this very moment, but perhaps its those unfounded and ridiculous fears just add to us being unique interesting people and parents.

I'm still completely baffled by my fear of tall people and don't think that's adding to my value at all.

Love yourself, dammit.

2009-09-07T11:41:00.000-07:00

You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. -Buddha

Oh kids, let me tell you about a woman I love so dearly.

My friend Danelle makes my heart swell in a way I can't even begin to explain! She has such a bright, honest soul and I can't thank God enough for her presence in my life. I got to see her today for the first time in a while... she moved to California over a year ago, and though we keep in touch online and I promise often to go visit her, I haven't seen her since.

Seeing her today was so fulfilling because of her boundless love and affection. This girl hugs with her whole soul, something I can say of very few people I've ever met.

She stood today hugging me, caressing my hair and telling me how amazing and beautiful and talented I am, and it was all I could do to blink the tears away, knowing that in all of my self-doubt, all of my worry and stress... someone so real, so full of passion and reason, thinks so highly of me.

Self-esteem has never been my strong suit. In Jr High I saw myself as incredibly fat. I had been warned starting at a young age about eating disorders, but I was intrigued... later realizing that the control aspect was the most attractive, I struggled with bulimia for years... yo-yo-ing between slightly overweight and completely normal, always wanting to be thinner. By the time I was in college it was a full-blown problem. I'd eat very little throughout the day but polish off more Taco Bell than they should even be allowed to sell to one damn person... spending the rest of my evening attacking my esophagus and ego, feeling no better about myself when I went to bed... and seeing very little results on the scale.

Senior Year of High School. What a ~~fat~~dumbass, right?

I used to joke that I wasn't committed enough to be anorexic. I really loved food, hell- I still do! I couldn't fathom skipping meals and obsessively counting calories. Bulimia was the ultimate control for me: I ate exactly what I damn well pleased, and I didn't gain any weight from it. Take that, Slim Fast!

Senior Year of High School again

What took me years to realize is that I was deeply depressed and so very uncertain of myself. I had no idea who I was, or who I wanted to be... just that I wanted to be thin, pretty, and different than I was. I wanted to win my ex-boyfriend's affection, my friend's approval, respect and admiration. My mom's self-esteem pep-talks did me no good, and I did a good job of hiding my problem (outside of a few friends who were keeping some pretty hefty secrets of their own). The depression took an enormous toll, and when I quit school I had to come to terms with it. I spent a summer living with my mom, not working, and painting. It was the most important thing I could've done for myself, and even though I wanted so much to be out on my own as an adult, I knew it was good for me to take time to just figure out how to be OK first.

I stopped throwing up, first off... and it was a good thing, too. Later that fall, I had severe issues with esophageal erosions, due to years of mistreating the poor thing. I didn't eat for days and boy was I pissed- all of those years of hurting myself in order to eat how I wanted and here I was "better" and couldn't eat!? It was torture. That's when I gained all the weight, but in doing so I didn't struggle more with my self-esteem issues, I found pride and joy in my body regardless... much more than I'd found when I was thinner. I started seeing myself as beautiful, my curves as sexy, and all of that together made me one hell of a force to be reckoned with.

Upon losing the weight, I'd like to just say... watch out. Sitting on the couch talking with the boyfriend the other night, I found myself amazed at the changes I'd made, not just since my days of daily cookie tossing... but even from a few months ago. I went into this relationship self-assured, certain that regardless of what happened I was worthy of love and admiration. For once I wasn't concerned with the ex-boyfriend, or that cute guy at the bar... I was focused on me in all of my frickin' glory. Its been fun, and its been genuine, and I honestly believe its why I'm so darn happy with this silly boy.

That being said, silly boy and I took our kids to the park today to visit with Danelle before she went back to California. He asked me last night who she was, and I told him very honestly...

She's the first mom who I ever trusted completely the first time I met her... she was so frazzled, and exhausted, and radiantly beautiful. Not because her hair was perfect, or her makeup took an hour, but because dammit, she was mama! she had smiles and belly-laughs as readily available as her furrowed brow and heartfelt 'i'm sorrys' and she threw those stern mama-eyes like i'd never seen! I knew that deep down, that's what every mom aspired to be... absolutely comfortable in every aspect of her (very difficult) job, even though she could've really used a nap... and a cocktail. Her shiny dark hair and beautiful body were secondary to the amazing kindness and honesty radiating from her at all times.

Sitting at her kitchen table drinking wine and sharing stories as our kids played around us is something I'll always remember. She taught me so much by just being... and I definitely needed a reminder today. I spend so much of my life so caught up in the daily stresses... worrying about money constantly, working too much, playing too little... letting other people control my happiness, my perception of myself... its all so ridiculous. Negative thoughts and actions breed negativity, and I can't let any of that be a priority in my life for even a moment. Don't be angry over things you can't change, don't look in the mirror with sadness, just live and love and cut out all the rest of that noise. Thank you, Danelle, for reminding me to enjoy life in its entirety... to love myself as much as you do. I'm going to work hard to keep this love and light flowing.

Love yourself, love your life, and dammit... do it now.

"Walk In Love" - A photo of my new friend Jen, who will be introducing me into the world of "polistic" living- which is described on her Facebook as "Holistic Health with a Spin" She is a "Holistic Health Coach with An Emphasis on Pole Fitness & Juicing" I'm so thrilled to have an opportunity to try out something fun and new in a time when I'm really completely focused on me, my life, and what's really important... I'm excited to see what all this is about!!

Here's to being happy, healthy, and loving life... <3

My Thoughts on Health Care Reform

2009-09-01T20:35:00.001-07:00

I've been hesitant to talk about my stance on health care reform. While its something I feel so very passionate about, its a can of worms I haven't wanted to open. Everyone's got an opinion on it, and I certainly don't have the time to take on changing anyone's mind here.

What I will say is that I have a story, and its been ongoing for many years. Growing up with a single parent, I was covered by my state's Medicaid program which took very good care of me. I could see a doctor, get a prescription, or even visit the hospital for very little cost. This program is available for my daughter, and I am happy to take full advantage of it for as long as my income level will allow. As a single parent, I am so grateful that this program exists.

Its not that I can't afford health insurance, its that I place more importance on other things in my life. I know that's why so many people jump to say "well that's your fault then" but really... I'd rather be able to have the money in my checking account to buy my daughter new shoes or to grab a box of tampons. I'm not so poor that I can't afford to have insurance, I just can't afford anything else on top of it because its simply not in the budget. I, like many Americans (not just single moms) am tightly budgeted in order to maintain a comfortable lifestyle. And by comfortable I don't mean $20 shampoo and organic milk, I mean "the electric will stay on this month and we're going to downgrade the cable for a little while but we're making it, kiddo!" If you choose to say that I'm irresponsible for this, I invite you to trade places for a bit. Come over here and check out this balancing act... if you're not convinced, you can kindly screw yourself... its hard work.

Its so frustrating for me to hear friends of mine talk about health care reform because 9 times out of 10 the people who are the biggest objectors are those that have never prayed for Tuesday to come so they could wait in line at the free clinic to get antibiotics they desperately needed LAST Tuesday. Its a bullshit system, but I'll never be one to knock it because its the only option for so many people.

My income level meets the requirements to receive state food/housing assistance but I choose not to take it simply because I don't feel like I need it. If I can afford to have cable, I can afford to pay for my own groceries. We simply can't afford to look at healthcare the same way. It should be every person's right to be properly treated and receive the same good quality care regardless of income level. Spend some time in the local health unit waiting room and tell me that its not necessary to have adequate coverage for all people. Talk to me about how you propose we get people who can't otherwise afford the level of care they deserve treatment to help them live better and longer... no one has a magic fix here, but public health care is and has been working in other countries, why are we so afraid it won't work here?

It all comes down to money, and that's such a damn shame. Its been said time and time again that we'll build a terrible system in which doctors have no motivation to treat patients well, and that's simply not true. We're spending so much time fighting over who's right and wrong, would we still be fighting about this if no one was making money off of either solution? Do we really place such a high value on money that we're comfortable admitting we care more about the financial implications of this change than we do fair and even care for all people? Why are we only focusing on money and not considering the most important aspect of the whole fight: how do we make sure that every American can receive quality care?

Long story very short, I suffer from chronic back pain and at the age of 25, find myself incapable of standing or sitting for long periods of time at least once or twice a month. Instead of undergoing the disc repair programs outlined by numerous chiropractors, or surgery recommended by my doctor, I depend on muscle relaxers, pain medications, and Cortizone shots to make it through the rough patches. Its absolutely no way to live, but I'm lucky in that my pain level is manageable most of the time. I cannot be treated for this problem since I don't have insurance which means I have to be very creative in how I go about pain management. Its not ideal, but I can't afford for this to become a pre-existing condition before I get decent insurance.

The frustration of having to deal with constant pain and no permanent or affordable solution only makes it harder to get well. I'm not saying that I know for certain that the current administration's proposed changes would make it better, but hell, something's gotta give here. I'm frustrated and discouraged by the state of things, and I truly believe that all Americans deserve affordable, quality health care without the worry of pre-existing conditions and high deductibles. I'm watching anxiously to see how everything unfolds, because I need to have hope that at some point I can walk into a doctor's office and receive a real solution.

We need this change, and we've got to make it happen.

The announcement...

2009-08-15T16:41:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow, my divorce announcement runs in the paper. Yes, divorce announcement... I'm still technically married. In fact, we might not even be officially divorced before our 3rd wedding anniversary, even though we started our separation process before our 2nd. Due to finances and enormous changes within both of our lives, we've had to delay the most basic part of this whole process... the paperwork. We're both looking forward to having everything official, even though realistically, its been that way for a very long time.

Its been bittersweet, and we did things very differently than any other couple I've ever met... but really how haven't we been different? From beginning to end, we set our own course.

When Bean-girl came along, I'd been working from home for a few months. I enjoyed my work tremendously and worked very hard, even with an infant attached to my breast all day. When Marshall and I split I faced the sad realization that I couldn't support myself and Bean-girl as a single mom work-at-home freelance graphic designer who blogs on the side. (Phew, I'm tired just typing that.) I've had to work very hard to grow my business while still being a really stellar mama, and he has sacrificed his wants for our needs. I pride myself in sleeping little, accomplishing much, and not giving up despite no real sense of financial security. Its gotten me far, but I could never have done it without Marshall. He's made it possible for me to continue staying home with our daughter and doing what I love, despite the end of our marriage. I am so very lucky, and so very grateful.

Marshall, you're one of my closest friends and forever will be such an important part of my life. We obviously weren't meant to be together, but you gave me a gift I never expected to have... one that has turned my life so very upside down, and I love you for it. From the day we found out Miss Marti Pearl was on her way, I knew I'd found my purpose in this life, and I could never thank you enough. I know you'll accomplish the things you've always wanted, and I'm glad that even though we won't be standing side-by-side, I get to watch your life unfold and witness all of the great things you're destined to accomplish.

Its hard not to write all of this with tears in my eyes because of the finality of it all. We made a hell of a team, but we were just too damn young for all of the pressure of being real married adults with a child. We grew up so fast, but we grew into different people than we ever expected to be. With my growing came dreams of bigger things, of independence and self-motivated success. With his, a yearning for a life we didn't have... security, simplicity, and iced tea on the front porch. Even through the toughest times we both realized that we really liked the other person, we just weren't on the same page anymore.

So we've all moved on. This is such an amazing time, a new life complete with a sense of personal success and accomplishment for being able to provide for my daughter and I. We'll be moving into our new house soon, just the two of us. I'm finally making it doing what I love... the independence I've been longing for. My baby has grown into a beautiful girl who sings me songs and kisses me on the cheek just to see me smile. All of this made sweeter with friends that I can't imagine my life without, a new love, and a newfound self-confidence. I am looking so forward to where this interesting road is taking me. I absolutely love my life right now, and while I feel anxious about the emotional complexities of what's to come, its not as if I'm facing this divorce as a new thing. I've grieved the ending of this relationship privately and openly for over a year now.

My entire "divorce diary" was full as of May. I wrote it in hopes that I'd be able to share it someday, in the form of a book... catty and unemotional at times, overcome with fear and mourning at others. I started it not to chronicle my separation and divorce, but to begin confronting the issues that led to the end of my marriage. As I finished it I realized it would never be something I could show to anyone... its the most deeply private thing I've ever written, embarrassing and therapeutic at the same time. In June I tossed it into the Arkansas River... seemed the only fitting place for all of those secrets to lie.

Marti Pearl will never know of a messy fight over possessions or tight-lipped every-other-weekend hand offs. Her father and I have a fantastic relationship which despite its immeasurable changes, has proven to be stronger than we ever realized. Withstanding this divorce and committing ourselves to a close friendship is more than many couples twice our age can accomplish, and we owe it all to the one with his cheeks and my sassy disposition. Thank you, Marti Pearl... you are truly more powerful than you could possibly realize.

Happy divorce announcement day, Marshall. May the next time I see your name in print be for a happier reason. <3

Weight loss & Swimsuit Success!

2009-08-11T09:09:00.000-07:00

I'm finally at a size I'm happy with. Its such a strange feeling, and I love it so much. I recently wrote about my weight loss struggles in my advice column, Cattywampus. Updating my before/after pictures was a really awesome experience this time around.

When I went shopping for my birthday dress I honestly had no idea what size I was. I kept grabbing dresses in Large & Medium and they were too big! All of this just weeks after I went out in public in a swimsuit for the first time in years...

I was invited to go to the lake with some friends and I gladly accepted, excited about spending time with some new people and having lots of fun on a boat! The night before, I panicked- wtf had I gotten myself into? Debuting this new thinner body, in a swimsuit, with 3 gay guys and a girl I'd never met!? Oh my. Oh my oh my.

I mean, I liked my swimsuit... well, the top half of it anyhow. I'd bought it when shopping with my grandmother back in June, a gold crochet-style top on a clearance rack at TJ Maxx. No bottoms in sight, but for the first time I really enjoyed the way the top looked on me. I shelled out the $5 and paired it with some bottoms I had, but as I lost weight this summer they started drooping more and more... and what's attractive about droopy swimsuit bottoms? Not a damn thing. I rushed around town looking for a suit that covered more or some bottoms that matched and didn't show too much of my rear end... but no luck at all.

My saving grace turned out to be some words of encouragement from the boyfriend and a lucky find- the bottoms that matched the top at the very same TJ Maxx, for $4. They fit perfectly and looked great... I threw on my floppy hat & my secondhand Banana Republic terry coverup that I just adore, and headed out for a day full of fun.

I didn't anticipate, however, the differences between bottoms that I'd previously worn, and string bikini bottoms. I was quite shocked to find that a good jump off the side of a boat results in a quick and rather embarrassing untying of said bottoms, and baring of one's entire backside. The boys got quite a chuckle out of it.

Got 'em back on now!

The day was wonderful. For the first time in so very long, I relaxed all day long. I sat on the boat and drank beer, got a little bit of a tan, and I got my ass kicked by the lake while inner tubing. I enjoyed myself so much and I felt so comfortable! In a swimsuit! I didn't even freak out when I realized the pictures had been posted on Facebook. All good things.

Now I have to be honest, and I'm not the least bit ashamed to admit that I haven't lost all of this weight without help. And I don't mean that I have an amazing support system, because really I do... but I've been on Phentermine since April. I started taking it in order to lose the last 20-30 lbs I'd had a hard time getting rid of, something I told myself I would do a year ago if I wasn't able to lose it on my own. Losing over 100 lbs is hard, and diet & exercise count for SO much, but I felt comfortable saying "if I hit a plateau and I really give it a shot and can't lose it, I'll try other options" and so I did.

I met with a doctor who worked with weight loss patients, and I asked her if she felt like it was a good choice for me. Usually only prescribed when a patient needs to lose a large amount of weight, Phentermine is an appetite suppressant used ALONG WITH modified diet & exercise. She felt that with my previous success I'd be a good candidate for it, so I started it in April. I've had monthly weight checks and I've been overwhelmingly pleased with my success. At my first appointment in April, I weighed in at 161... I'd gained nearly 20 lbs since my initial drop, and I wasn't pleased at all. My target weight was 130, and last week... a day before my 25th birthday, I weighed in at under 140 lbs for the first time in my adult life.

Hells to the yes.

I'm not saying what I've done is for everyone, in fact, the friend who introduced me to Phentermine and suggested I try it hasn't had as much luck with it as I have. It affects everyone differently, and its no quick fix. The only way to lose weight successfully and keep it off is by a healthy diet & regular exercise. I've never said any of this has been easy, but being here is really a good feeling and its worth every single bit of the work I've put into it. I'm on my last prescription of Phentermine this month, and in a size 6-8. Even now, typing that seems strange... but I'm getting used to it. After battling my weight all my life, I feel like I'm finally where I need to be, and I'll be damned if I let myself go back from here.

If you'd like my tips on weight loss, you can read them here: Cattywampus

For more information, or if you'd like to tell me your story: Email me!

Birthday Surprise Party!

2009-08-10T17:51:00.000-07:00

My 24th year has come and gone.

I've somehow surrounded myself with Leos, including one of my very best friends, Jacey. When she asked if I wanted to take a day trip to Eureka Springs for our birthdays, I immediately made arrangements for a babysitter. I knew I was in for an excellent trip when all of the planning revolved around food.

Unfortunately, Marshall hurt his back the day before so I was on ex-husband-nurse-duty and unsure of whether or not I'd be able to go as planned. Luckily for everyone, my ex and I are on great terms... we spend time together often and we have a great friendship as well as a fantastic parenting relationship. With some good pain meds and a little tough love, he was up walking by bedtime, and when he woke up feeling alright the next morning I decided to go on my trip as planned, just with a toddler companion!

Marti Pearl and I took a fabulous trip to Eureka Springs with Jacey, her sisters, and her friend Ashley. Marti Pearl took quite a liking to "the sisters" as she called everyone, and had a blast exploring the cute little shops. We even got a photo made, which for MP was just an epic game of dress up. What toddler doesn't love crazy dresses, feather boas, and high heels!?

A blurry yet fabulous picture of the saloon girls

For my actual birthday I had plans to eat dinner with my whole family. The boyfriend picked me up beforehand saying he had a surprise for me, and as I was asking him where we were going he quickly turned into our friend's neighborhood... I had no idea what was going on, and was thrilled to walk in and find so many of my friends. Jessica & Anna had planned me a fantastic 25th birthday surprise party!! They invited a bunch of my friends, decorated Anna's house beautifully, got me a wonderful cake, and loads of champagne! It was hands down the best birthday surprise ever.

They'd invited my friends from Twitter! Soon my dad & sister showed up, then Marshall, his sister, and Marti Pearl... who was thrilled that mommy was having a "princess party"

From there, we had family dinner & drinks with friends... a wonderful night overall. My 25th birthday was the best yet, I've got high hopes for this year...

Out with the old, in more ways than one.

2009-07-20T11:49:00.000-07:00

I sit, typing to you with barf in my hair and a very unhappy kiddo. Bean girl is sickly. Fever, puking, the whole messy awful no fun 9 yards. Her dad brought her home this morning and the first thing she did was lay down on my shoulder and say "Mama I throw up" which in sick-kid language is just a total crap sandwich. Poor little thing.

Also, kids thermometers? What a joke. I bought this Spongebob $10 jobber at Wal-Mart a while back, and short of sticking it in her tush can't get an accurate reading ever. Its unfortunate too, because there's no way I'm gonna add insult to injury- if she's sick, I'll take her to the doctor hoping she's got a fever before I pull down that diaper. For that reason, I shelled out a bit more for one of those ear-mometers, the more reliable kind.

Unfortunately, I can't find it. The last time I remembered, it lived in my closet in my room at my (now former) friend's house. We had a pretty nasty friend breakup recently and I've tried not to air too much of my dirty laundry in those regards on the interwebz, but I am hot.

Here's the dialogue:

Me (11:34 AM):
I don't want any drama, just have a question. Was there a kids ear thermometer in the closet near the sippy cup? I can't find it & thought it was there.
Me (11:35 AM):
MP is really sick, I just need to find the good thermometer

Her (11:47 AM):
No. Everything of yours that was in my house was packed and given to you. I have nothing else of yours.

Me (11:51 AM):
What I am asking is when you packed everything up did you see it? I have a very sick baby and just need to know if its in there somewhere.

Her (11:57 AM):
What I am telling you is NO! You would have it if it was anywhere in your room. Don't text me anymore! I have NOTHING of yours in my house. Take her to the DR.

There's just no sense in that. To lose our entire friendship so suddenly and dramatically came as a shock to say the very least, but this is just uncalled for. I've fought the urge to write about how I feel in regards to our breakup, to complain that I feel sad, disappointed, pissed off...

I've resisted simply out of respect for her privacy, because as Ms. Single Mama said this morning "single mom or not - I’ve never been one to censor myself for fear of judgment."

I'm still not going to go to the lengths of reporting all of the things that were said and done which were irreparably damaging to our friendship. I don't need to smear her name at all. I feel like I'm doing a good job of mourning that relationship, and come to terms with the hard fact that she won't ever be a part of our lives again.

The hardest thought is that she'll never get to see the bean as she grows and experience her love and light, but there's no way I can allow anyone to dim that light with anger & jealousy... She simply deserves more than that. Honestly, we both do.

Its so very hard, but days like today make it so much easier. I'm very blessed to have many good friends that genuinely and deeply love us. Only moments after tweeting that Bean was sick, I received a text from a new, yet very close friend offering to run to the store and get that thermometer we were missing. Having people that benefit and enrich our lives with support, love, and real compassion is so necessary for parents. It is absolutely vital for single moms & dads.

I'm still sad to have lost that friendship, and It'll take a very long time for the hurt to subside, but its truly made me realize just how lucky I am to have so many people that care about us. A huge thank you to all of my friends, and to this beautiful little girl who just keeps providing me with wonderful life lessons. The same little girl, actually, whose fever has come down (according to my trusty mama-hand-mometer) and who is officially holding down crackers & Pedialyte. Yay for well babies, good friends, and cutting out the negative.

Words eaten

2009-07-13T14:20:00.000-07:00

Keep your words sweet -- you may have to eat them. -Stephan Grellet

Sometimes we all say a bit too much. At times, with burning cheeks and butterflies in one's tummy, we realize we've said things best left unsaid.

When love is not madness, it is not love.
-Pedro Calderon de la Barca

Fully Involved

2009-07-12T14:08:00.000-07:00

I changed my "relationship status" on Facebook this week. A simple action, but lordy be! what a response! I had emails, comments, text messages... all wondering who, when, what!? I laughed, amazed at how curious everyone was... but one email struck me. A good friend asked "Seriously? YOU are in a relationship, and you're admitting it for all of Facebook to see? This guy must be something special, that's a big step for you!" For me- What did she mean!? I talk about my vagina on Twitter, its not like I'm a private person at all! And was it really a big step? I mean, its just the internet for christ sakes... but the more I thought about it, the bigger it seemed. I had officially taken myself off the market. Whoa. Maybe I hadn't thought this through...

You see, its all quite complicated. I started dating following my separation, completely opposed to the idea of a serious relationship. I was determined to date and enjoy the single life completely. There were a few boys I spent more time with, but all ended up being rather disappointing. There was the "your only problem is that you're a mom" dude, the flaky artsy boy who drank, the total liar, then the highly motivated yet indecisive boy who I regrettably got in over my head with, (at which point he promptly skeedaddled) who left me wondering wtf I was doing to myself. After that, I had to stop... I quit dating and started focusing on figuring out what I wanted.

I'd previously said "single moms just want to have fun" which I still think is reasonable, but its a temporary thing. Single moms, just like all ladies, get to a point where they're ready and I was there. I was tired of crying over guys who weren't even thinking about me, and I decided it wouldn't happen anymore. I started focusing on changing: on being a more confident, beautiful, well-mannered lady, someone any guy would want to be with. Then I realized that was a giant crock of shit. I am confident, very beautiful, and well... my manners are intact but honesty and frankness have gotten me this far.

I was ready, I was worthy, and I was downright lonely. Take Your Kids to Dickson came along, and I spent a month working insane hours preparing for the most successful thing I've ever done. I was humbled, looking out over the crowds... seeing so many families there enjoying everything we'd planned. I knew I'd accomplished something incredible, and I was so proud. Thousands of people, but as I walked up the street with my daughter I couldn't have felt more alone. She and I were there together, watching the families... moms, dads, kids, and my eyes welled up with tears. I wasn't giving her the life I wanted for her... for us. I was trying, but it all seemed farther away than I was comfortable with.

I found myself a little freaked out, knowing what I wanted gave everything a different feel. I knew I couldn't settle, something I'd been doing every time since I started dating. I knew I wanted to be in love, I was tired of worrying about whether I was coming on too strong, counting rings before I could answer my phone, none of that made sense to me anyhow. As a grown woman with a child, I simply couldn't play games like a normal 25 year old. I was so disappointed with my dating experiences, but when considering who I'd been seeing was it any wonder? I wasn't dating a man because I wanted to fall in love and build a lasting relationship, I was dating because I wanted to be appreciated for more than my sidewalk chalk, project management, design and diaper changing skills. As a hard-working single mom, I just wanted to not have to figure out what I wanted.

Luckily, that worked out pretty well. I met the boy professionally a while back, a simple meeting to discuss a potential project. We wound up sitting around talking about divorce, kids, dating, our families, side projects... we both remarked later about how strangely comfortable we were talking to each other, though he teased me for being so nervous. I didn't bid on the project, and we continued talking often. Neither of us intended for things to develop and when they did, the timing couldn't have been more wrong. They say though that when you stop looking it finds you... and that's definitely the case here.

I sat watching TV after bean girl had gone to bed last night, and Jerry Maguire came on. I never understood why my mom always cried when she watched that movie until now. As a single mom, everything is different. I realized just what I'd been doing wrong: the silly games that go along with dating just don't fly with us. We expect more, we want and need love in a way that non-mamas just don't, and I didn't fully understand that when I was trying to force relationships with boys with no desire to actually get involved. Single mamas fall hard, when we realize its there we are fully involved. I realized that what I've been feeling is a very different kind of lonely than I'd ever known, and I was wearing my Brave-Little-Toaster-pants hoping not to get hurt but failing at it. I wanted a boy to understand and appreciate all of me, and I wanted to feel comfortable sharing that.

I'm fully involved, and I'm thrilled about it. Taking myself off the market wasn't as difficult as I'd imagined when I met someone who caught my attention and kept it. A dad himself, he understood from the start what I wanted and needed (even when I didn't). In not trying to say the right things, he won me over completely with an honesty and frankness I'd craved without realizing. It comes as no surprise to any of you that I'm an open book. I put everything on the line, take it or leave it there I am. I opened myself up and for the first time didn't fight the uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach saying "this isn't a good idea, mama" I wanted this, and he did too. With that comes a certain air of caution, for ourselves, our hearts, our kids... was it safe to give into the excitement of something that seemed so... genuine? Its a strange time for both of us, so we initially resisted the idea of starting a relationship, but things have developed naturally despite our hesitation, and here we are.

So here I am, admitting that I'm nuts about a boy and for once, I am so fully appreciated, just as I am. Imperfect and impulsive, bossy and idealistic, he looks at me with a sense of wonder.

Thank you for that, mister.

Also, a huge thank you to Ms. Single Mama who works so hard to provide support and insight. Reading about your love with John Bear is inspiring and exciting. Congratulations, lady. Thank you for helping us sort out all of this crazy dating stuff and allowing us to peek in on your life, you are incredible.
You want to see what the boy is doing right? Here's a good list from Ms. Single Mama herself:
How to Date a Single Mom

June 27th, a day of celebration

2009-06-27T13:52:00.000-07:00

Today is a big day.

8 years ago, on June 27, 2001, I was raped. It was an unimaginable nightmare physically and emotionally that I spent years recovering from. Last year I spent this day rejoicing because I was able to against all odds have a beautiful, healthy, textbook pregnancy and have an incredible daughter to show for it... something that I was told at a tender age wouldn't be a possibility because of the damage caused that horrible night. I was in a bad place last year though... my marriage was falling to pieces, I was just officially starting my design firm, and I had just finished remodeling my house. I was stressed, exhausted emotionally and physically, and I spent this day crying. I sat for hours watching Marti Pearl sleep thinking about how lucky I was despite what I'd been through, and I resolved never to do that again.

In fact, it was the first year that I actually cried... every other year I was entirely too busy celebrating. In 2002, I had just graduated from high school. I had great friends who were very concerned about me, knowing the first anniversary of the rape would be difficult. They picked me up from my house, and threw me a lovely surprise party complete with a bonfire, copious amounts of alcohol (not that I endorse underage drinking of course!) and lots of dancing. It became my very favorite tradition... an unconventional one, but what's common about this mama anyhow?

I've gone on trips, thrown dinner parties, had sleepovers, and each time I've eaten too many cupcakes and completely enjoyed myself. I love celebrating this day because it makes something that was in every way negative a very positive thing. I celebrate because I made it through, because it didn't break me. I celebrate because when I had Marti Pearl I was able to overcome this in the greatest way. This day reminds me that I am strong... much stronger than I normally give myself credit for.

Tonight I'll be celebrating. Two of my favorite bands, Cletus Got Shot & Damn Bullets (my clients, I just finished their website today!) will be playing at my favorite bar The Smoke & Barrel Tavern, which my friends and family jokingly call my office. I spend all of my baby-free time there working (free wireless, air conditioning, and cheap drinks!) or dancing... tonight I'll definitely be dancing. The three owners are so near to my heart, and the timing of tonight's show couldn't possibly be more perfect. Thank you boys, for tonight. There's nowhere else I'd rather be.

If you see me out tonight give me a hug. We'll toast to 8 years of kicking ass, taking names, and being healthy, happy, and strong.

Also, a side note: did you know that Mayor Jordan proclaimed June 27th Gay Pride day in Fayeteville, AR? He's a good man and an excellent mayor. I'm thrilled to know him. I spent a few hours at the pride picnic promoting The Lighter Side and handing out rainbow popsicles... a wonderful way to spend the day. Thanks to the NWA Center for Equality for giving me an excellent reason to celebrate this day all day long.

O hai!

2009-06-22T07:52:00.000-07:00

Take Your Kids to Dickson was a huge success. An event that went together in about 4 weeks as a response to some negative publicity turned into one of the most fun things I've ever done. A solid month of 80+ hour weeks and neglecting my (money-making) business proved to be well worth all of our hard work. In the process, I got much closer with one of my good friends, made some new ones, and met lots of people I really enjoy being around. We're already starting planning of our next event, and plan to do lots more of that in the near future. Personally and professionally, this was a huge achievement. I'm thrilled with all of it!

I give advice now! I know, everyone's shocked- right!? Some good friends came to me when they started their online magazine and asked if I'd contribute... I was thrilled to jump in, and have had lots of fun with it so far.
Read Cattywampus

In other work-related news, have you seen all the new stuff I've been doing?
Bella Vita Jewelry
Damn Bullets
and I'll be finishing up a couple more sites this week... Needless to say, work is fantastic.

Marti Pearl and her dad went to Kansas City to visit his dad & half-sisters this weekend... it was a wonderful trip for them, and a great mama-break for me. Marti Pearl got to meet her aunts & grandpa for the first time, and had lots of fun with her cousins. I danced barefoot with my mama to one of my favorite bands, had margaritas at lunchtime with one of my best friends, and feng shui-ed my apartment. I feel well-rested and officially recovered from TYK2D.

Lots I've missed out on recently, I'll start catching up quick! Promise!

One Smarmy Mama shares some knowledge...

2009-06-09T16:50:00.000-07:00

I'm so sorry I've been neglecting you guys!! Preparation for Take Your Kids to Dickson has taken up all of my time, and we're almost there!!

In the meantime, my very good friend One Smarmy Mama agreed to guest blog for me, so without further ado... enjoy, kids!

Heather is one of my favorite people, so when she asked me to guest blog for her today, I was stuttering and stammering for just the perfect post to fill her space. What would be important and earth shattering? What would thoughtfully and eloquently fill her lovely blog for a day? What OH WHAT is worth of putting on momuncommon?

There are a lot of things that are important to me, many issues that are near and dear to my heart. But it wasn't until I was contemplating this while on the pot after lunch that it hit me....I needed to write about an issue that is afflicting children all over the country. An issue we simply cannot ignore anymore.

The infliction of crappy music on our children.

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When I was a wee child, I was blessed with an musician father who had, for the most part, superb taste in music. I was raised on all things Beatles/Wings/Macca (natch) but also was exposed to Boston, The Eagles and The Beach Boys as well as then unknowns like T Bone Burnett and Tonio K.

My dad would make me sit and listen to particularly amazing instrumentations while 12 year old me rolled my eyes and groaned. It wasn't until I was a bona fide grown up that I realized what a freaking awesome musical education I had been raised with.

And so, today, in an age of T Paine and Flo Rida and TPDs and 3 year olds dancing on YouTube to Beyonce, I say this to you, my fellow parents...Stop The Insanity! I know it's cute when your little one sings along with Taylor Swift in the car, but this is almost downright abuse. These poor children are being raised on the musical equivalent of Hostess Cupcakes and Wonderbread. Let's give them some musical health food...you know, the gooood stuff that is tasty and good for you too.

So, my friends, I present to you..........
The Ten Albums/Artists You MUST Expose Your Children To Before They Start Ignoring You.

1. Pearl Jam - Ten

The grunge era brought us out of crappy pap pop music and bad boy bands and back into real musicianship, insightful lyrics, and concerts that were practically spiritual events. I personally find Eddie and crew to be a little bit more appropriate and palatable for the kids than Kurt, but that's just me. Pick one and make sure your kids know them and love them.

2. They Might Be Giants - Flood

Many followed in their footsteps, but John and John pioneered geek rock and made it an art form. I mean, come on...."Particle Man"??? "Istanbul (not Constantinople)"??? CLASSICS. When our kids are in high school, the cool ones are gonna be rocking "Birdhouse in Your Soul". You know it.

3. Semisonic - Closing Time

Let's face it, our kids are going to hear "Closing Time" a million times on classic radio when they are teens, let's show them why it was so much more than a one-hit-wonder song. If you've never heard this album in it's entirety, shame on you! It's pure pop perfection. Evocative, sentimental lyrics, sweet and clean guitars, crisp, peppy drums. The entire album is just simply adorable, and enjoyable listen from start to finish and makes you realize these guys were more than just "You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here".

4. Elliott Smith - XO

Before "shoegaze" there was Elliott. The kind of music Elliott Smith produced could easily take a minuscule step to the side and be contrived crap. But his songs are haunting and beautiful, his voice both wistful and so incredibly real. His talent and impact on a whole new generation of sad bastard music is unquestionable, and you know when our kids talk about famous rock and roll legends, his death will top the list. Do your kids a favor and let them know that Elliott Smith was more than a dude who maybe stabbed himself with a steak knife.

5. Ryan Adams - Heartbreaker

No child's musical education would be complete without a lesson in Alt Country. And, it was a little tough to pick what the best representation would be. I think Ryan is it. When you introduce your kids to Ryan, you introduce them to Whiskeytown, and well, that opens up a whole range of artists. This album is so good, it hurts to listen to it sometimes. You get lessons in blues, country, rock........and it's so so good. And, Ryan is such an interesting character, I'm sure he's going to be making crazy headlines well into the next couple of decades.

6. Stankonia - Outkast

Our kids are going to want to know what the heck was up with all the hip hop and rap and R&B when we were young, so show them something decent, for pete's sake. Outkast is what it's about...writing about real issues, rapping with real talent. None of this effing auto-tune crap, talking about ladies underpants and sh*t like that. Now, there are definitely things on here that aren't appropriate for younger kids, but may get you having some good conversations with your older kids. Good, timeless album.

7. Death Cab for Cutie - Plans

Let's face it. One day, you're going to have to explain "hipsters" to your children. Wait till they are about 14, put on Plans, and I think they'll get it. Death Cab pretty much have defined a genre and era right now and, for that, they do deserve some props. (Oh yeah, and you're going to have to explain "props" and then get eye rolls when you do).

8. Oasis - What's The Story Morning Glory

One of the most important, significant influences on American music is British music and one of the best influences on American pop music in the 90's was Brit-Pop. There are probably a dozen bands that are suitable to share with your kids, I picked Oasis because they are accessible and, much like Semisonic above, you KNOW they are going to hear the HECK out of "Wonderwall" on classic radio someday. If that is all they ever learn of the most pompas band in the world, it would be a true shame.

9. Green Day - Dookie

Ok, the subject matter is questionable for little kids, so I'll let you substitute American Idiot if you must. But Green Day made it cool to be punk while still remaining punk. Your kids are gonna want to know about punk. We didn't start it, and we can't claim it. Luckily, though, we have one of punks greatest sons in OUR generation.

10. U2 - Joshua Tree

DUH! The beginning of it all, kids. U2 is to our generation what the Beatles were to our parents generation. As self-important as Bono has become, it shouldn't take away from that pure genius musicianship, lyrics, and art that comes from these guys. Your kid wants to learn to rock? Slap on Joshua Tree and school them.

And there you have it, friends. Now go, dig out these CDs and play them in the car on the way to school. In 20 years, I promise, your kids will thank you.

On late-term abortion, I couldn't have said it better myself.

2009-06-04T06:08:00.000-07:00

I have totally neglected you guys. So sorry about that... its been a crazy couple of weeks, planning events and working hard has been fun but pretty exhausting. Free time is a thing of the past... I miss it!

Anyhow, I just want to link to an incredibly well written blog this morning. Writing on late-term abortion is difficult to say the least, but this was done with grace, tact, and respect... This needs to be said, but more importantly needs to be heard.

Sex ed won’t make this go away. Contraception won’t make this go away. Looking after babies won’t make this go away. And making women travel halfway across a country away from support networks and stay in hotels while life-threateningly ill, and then have to run the gamut of harassers and gun-wielders? This. is. not. OK.

All Dogs (and Rocks) Go to Heaven.

2009-05-14T12:39:00.001-07:00

Glad that's settled.

(Thanks, Maegan!)

Dickson Street? Unsafe? Are you kidding!?

2009-05-11T23:47:00.001-07:00

I feel compelled to share something that some of you may have no care for since I'm aware many of you that read this blog live elsewhere, but I am absolutely so upset by a stunt our local news station pulled over the weekend and I'd love to hear some thoughts on it.

Its no secret that I love my town. I've lived in Fayetteville my entire adulthood, and I have spent more than my fair share of time in the local watering holes. I've befriended many a bartender, bar owner, and bar patron. I enjoy having the freedom to go out and have fun with my friends on my nights off from mommy-duty, and I've happily taken full advantage of the freedom I've had in the past year.

I have a weekly girls night where I go out with my friends for drinks, dancing, laughs, and gossip, and on one recent girls night a good friend and I witnessed a fight. It was completely shocking to both of us, and we were interviewed by the police immediately afterward. We noticed, while we were speaking with them, that there was a very large video camera around, and were surprised today when we were made aware of our presence in a local news report, found here, about the "Darker Side of Dickson Street" (we're about 1/3 of the way through, someone please alert the witness protection program! With all of this Dickson Street danger, it seems only appropriate, right?- haha)

As I watched, I realized nothing was right about this report. It was so unfortunate, the reporter and video camera chasing around the police officers... reporting that Dickson Street was "unsafe" because of violence... I was shocked.

The Fayetteville Flyer said it best...

I was surprised to see the second mention in as many days regarding a possible “unsafe” atmosphere on Dickson Street since, as a musician and writer for the Flyer, I spend a good amount of time in the area and have never gotten the feeling that it was a “dark” place to be. And no, I’m not always enjoying adult beverages when I’m there. Sometimes I’m working.

So if this “dark” and “unsafe” atmosphere on Dickson Street actually exists, we need to stop talking about it and start fixing it. But if it doesn’t, maybe we should be more responsible when describing the possible future location of one our city’s biggest and most valuable attractions (the Walton Arts Center). Especially right now.

I also spend some of my time on Dickson Street working... I meet with clients there, I take my daughter to events, I attend concerts and dance at the local clubs... its simply not an unsafe place in my opinion, and I've spent enough time there for my opinion to be quite accurate. Tonight was one of the nights I spent working. I visited with Bruce Walker of Flying Possum Leather, a local business owner who was very upset by the report. Bruce has spent 33 years on Dickson Street, if there's anyone who would qualify as a better expert, I certainly don't know them. He put it simply "A newspaper ran an article a while back with a timeline of all of these crimes committed in the downtown area, saying it wasn't safe... some of those crimes dated back even further than I've been in business." (Flying Possum Leather opened in 1976 on Dickson Street and has been there ever since)

I'll include my comment from the Fayetteville Flyer article, which really sums up my thoughts on the issue, and while I'm at it I'll put it out there that I am incredibly disappointed by the decision made by 40/29 to report and air this, I feel that they should take immediate steps to correct their mistake, as there is simply nothing in the report that does anything but bastardize a part of town that so many of Fayetteville's citizens love.

As one of the girls (a brief glimpse of us around 1/3 of the way through the segment) interviewed as a witness by the police after an altercation on Dickson Street I not only feel completely safe there, I am absolutely shocked that there are people who feel unsafe on Dickson Street. I honestly feel that 40/29 sensationalized violence in our town in order to make their story more interesting, and that’s downright sad, not to mention very irresponsible reporting.

I’ve lived in Fayetteville nearly my entire life and I feel completely safe here, in fact… I’d be willing to say I feel safer on Dickson Street by myself in the middle of the night than I do in parts of Little Rock or Memphis in the broad daylight. In my humble opinion, one of the finest parts of our little town, is that in many ways… it is still little. Even in this report, the “darker side” they showed was a few 20-somethings fighting late at night… as a mother I’m not concerned about taking my kiddo to a show at the Walton Arts Center, or even to have a slice of cheesecake at Common Grounds afterward. There is simply no violence that happens on Dickson Street (in what I’ve experienced over the last 10+ years) that would serve as a threat to us in any way.

To say that there is a “darker side” to Dickson implies something far more sinister than drunken college kids picking fights with each other. 40/29 showed a very biased report which I pray will not further impact the downtown businesses already working hard to get through these tough economic times.

Tsk tsk, 40/29… Absolutely not ok.

So local moms, I ask you this... What do you think? Do you feel safe taking your kids to see a performance at the Walton Arts Center? What is your opinion of Dickson Street in general?

Tell the Fayetteville Flyer your opinion of Dickson Street here.

Mothers Day, now with Jazz Hands!

2009-05-10T23:32:00.000-07:00

This mothers day was just a lazy Sunday for me.
I'm not complaining, don't get me wrong... any Sunday that I get to take off of work, play with my little girl, and take a nap whenever I see fit is my kind of Sunday. I also had dinner with my mom and sister, drove in a big circle around my lovely rainy town, and caught up with my best friend while watching a good movie. It was a fantastic day.

It was not, however, a day that I received breakfast in bed or a handmade card, or a flower from my kiddo. It was my first Mothers Day as a single mom, and it was a little harder than I expected, quite honestly. I really spent a little bit of my day feeling sorry for myself, not because my toddler was too busy watching Max & Ruby to shower me with gifts, but because I was lonely. That's a hard thing for me to admit, its much more personal than I prefer to get in such a public forum... but there it is. When your kiddos are young, mothers day isn't so much "hey mom, look what I made for you" - its more "hey, go kiss your mommy on the cheek" and today, there was no one prompting my little monster to do or say sweet things. It served as a reminder that I really am doing this on my own, and that's hard sometimes. Then I realized that I was moping around because there was no one making plans to make my mothers day special, and I felt so absolutely silly for it.

As I laid down with Marti Pearl to read "Blue Hat Green Hat" or "Yellow Hat Book!!!!" as she calls it, for the 947th time in a row... I looked at her, smiled, and kissed her on the forehead. She sat up, grabbed my cheeks with her chubby little fingers and kissed me straight on the mouth, a good 15 seconds of apple-juice scented toddler lips pressed to mine, then a little giggle. She laid her head on my chest and pulled my t-shirt up just a little to play with my belly button for the remainder of her bedtime story... When her story was done we sang a couple songs, then talked for a bit, about snakes and stars and belly buttons and trampolines... its times like those that I don't mind doing this by myself, I wouldn't want it any other way, in fact.

I love being a mom, and we're both lucky that her dad is very supportive and ever-present, that she's got two parents that love her very much and spend so much of our time spoiling her rotten. Tonight as I was putting her to bed, her dad came to tell her goodnight. She requested "another kiss pleeeease" then asked if I would sing "sunshine song" again. As we reached the end of "You Are My Sunshine" she started singing along softly, a few words here and there, I smiled at her and she lifted her hands, finishing the song dramatically with a loud note and very impressive display of jazz hands... I laughed hard and long and she did too. She had no idea what kind of gift that was, but it was amazing for me. My little girl is quite the comedian at two years old. She's got a personality and a soul that far surpasses anything I could've ever expected, and I couldn't be more proud.

This Mothers Day was wonderful, and I'm so very lucky. Not even lonely could get this mama down tonight, I'm far too blessed for that. I've got no right to feel sorry for myself when there's so much promise and wonder in those eyes...

Lift - Pull - Flop - Bump - Bounce - Roll

2009-05-02T22:14:00.001-07:00

Everyone should watch this. <3

Piggie flu

2009-04-30T11:09:00.000-07:00

Photo from Here

Oh Swine flu... I don't know what to make of you. I think back about the Avian flu, SARS, Mad Cow Disease... I didn't get any of those. I didn't wear the masks or walk around constantly scared, then again none of those things had any direct impact on my life, swine flu is the same. No cases confirmed in my area and I'm a generally healthy person so I'm not all that worried.

What about you? Are y'all concerned about it? Do you live in an area where people are concerned? Are you seeing masks around town? Twitter's all abuzz and every major news station seems to have swine-flu-fever... Am I right in thinking the hype is worse than the actual problem here?

They totally made a poster for me

More swine flu lulz here!

Weight Loss

2009-04-24T07:46:00.000-07:00

Weight loss is hard.

I've been at a reasonable size for a year now, hoping to lose the last 15 lbs that I set out to lose so long ago, but with no luck this year. In fact, over the course of the year I gained 15... so now I have 30 to lose. Le sigh. I've been mighty discouraged but I've also been mighty lazy. I keep calling my extra weight my winter coat because it came on quickly when the weather got cold. Now that its nice I'm spending some time outside and really enjoying it. I went for a walk two nights ago and last night, a quick run! It was nice, but very obvious that I'm out of shape.

Gotta get to it!

Progress pictures make me feel so much better about where I'm at though, so here you go...

(Middle) Spring 2004

Summer 2005

Fall 2005

Fall 2005

The weekend I found out I was pregnant, Summer 2007

Wedding day

Very pregnant, Spring 2007

5 weeks post-delivery, April 2007

Summer 2007

August 2007

Fall 2007

Christmas 2007

February 2008

May 2008

August 2008

October 2008

January 2009

April 2009

Lots of change, lots of really good change... and lots more to come. :)

Friends...

2009-04-16T18:51:00.000-07:00

I've been a bad friend. Really, its one of my major downfalls... I get so wrapped up in a million things- kiddo, work, family, personal life... and I forget to concern myself with the people that matter the most to me.

My closest group of girlfriends, "the cubs" all grew apart recently and it was really hard for me. I noticed we were all talking less, then spending less time together, then all of the sudden there are hurt feelings and crappy arguments. We're hanging out more now, and its a good thing because two members of our five person clique are moving before the summer.

Bailey & Emily are both moving :(

I pride myself in having amazing friends who I am incredibly close with. Not a day goes by that I don't remark about how lucky I am. My daughter is growing up with a ridiculous amount of "Aunts" and I love that.

Darcy & I

I'm going to miss my girls, but I'm so thankful for the time I've spent with them. We've had some awesome laughs and I know they'll be in my life forever, regardless of where we all end up.

Bailey & I

Its hard for me to think about how my inaction has hurt others, because I certainly wouldn't ever try to be distant or less compassionate than I should... unfortunately it happens. Its so hard not to get completely wrapped up into my own life, especially when things are busy and complex.

Darcy, Bailey, & Zaynab

Emily B is an excellent example of this, while she's one of my very closest friends I hardly ever talk to her. When I do, we catch up and chat for as long as possible, but its still not as often as it should be. She lives far away so we can't just call each other up to drink wine and talk... and I tend not to text/call/email as often as I should. Its no good at all.

I'm not proud of a situation with a really close friend... We've known each other online for quite a while, and she's been an invaluable source of advice, support, and understanding during my separation and divorce. When I started dating again she was the first to ask how things were going, so excited for me... When she faced a rough spot in her life though, I didn't show her the same compassion as she showed me. I was too concerned with my own things to give any thoughts to hers, and right when she needed it the most... Its a real shame. I noticed she all but disappeared from my online life and it gave me such a heavy feeling in the pit of my stomach. I immediately thought of how much she'd done for me and felt horrible.

C, I'm sorry I've been an awful friend. I love you tons and I realize what a slap in the face my distance has been. I'm very sorry. <3

I'm learning that the biggest part of having amazing friends is making sure they understand just how much I appreciate them. Putting effort into maintaining those relationships needs to take a much higher priority in my life, and it will be from here on out...

We teach our kids by example and I want Marti Pearl to grow up building healthy relationships... I need to make sure I am.

Single moms just wanna have fu-un!

2009-04-08T07:01:00.001-07:00

Ashley and I, bringing some fun to single mom-dom

I feel like I'm starting to become somewhat of an expert on single parent dating... it seems its only right of me to share some of my wisdom. There are so many misconceptions about what single moms want out of relationships so let me enlighten you... single moms want to have fun. We're thrillseekers, living on love and giggles. We are experts at play... we love fun and we simply can't get enough of it. Yes, being a single mom is tough, but its also one hell of an adventure. Very simply, we know what we want, and that's someone to adventure along with us.

There was no lack of sex in my marriage. My ex-husband and I both agree, in fact, that sex was not a factor in our divorce. If anything, it was part of the reason we stayed together as long as we did... Though at the ripe ol' age of (almost) 25 I find myself divorced, thinner than I was the last time I was a single woman, and completely ready to have some fun.

Yes, that's right... fun. I'm not looking to fall madly in love, to have a serious relationship, to settle down, to get married and pop out more kiddos... I'm simply looking to enjoy myself, and I don't see a damn thing wrong with that. You see, I realized something very important when I became a mom... on the whole, adults are entirely too serious. We spend our time planning and calculating, making grocery lists in our heads and dreaming of vacations from our mundane lives. We all do it, but we didn't always.

Do something for me... find a toddler. A 2 or 3 year old, find them and ask them a simple question: "Do you want to play?" You'd be hard pressed to find one that'd say no. Kids live to play, they love fun more than anything. The toy industry is thriving despite recalls and unfavorable economic conditions simply because play is important! As a single mom I spend at least half of my day just playing... watching the little one every day reminds me to just relax, enjoy the moment, and have fun at all times. I knew I was on the right track when a friend said "I like your excitement over the simplest things"

When I started dating again I became very familiar with "what are you looking for?" ...its everyone's favorite icebreaker. Its a tough question, the first few times I really struggled through it, explaining that I was fresh out of a divorce, not quite ready to start another relationship, a busy girl with very little time to invest into a relationship, a mom who always put her kiddo first... but I've since realized what I actually am looking for, and that's to just have some fun.

I recently woke up in bed with a man, it was a beautiful day with sunlight peeking through the blinds, and as I sat up in bed I could feel him looking at my backside so I turned to look at him. I was startled a little when I realized how intently he was taking in every bit, watching me as I fixed my messy hair and began to dress, his eyes fixed on my hips and breasts, I felt so truly beautiful... in my most basic form I was sharing myself with another person, and it was so intensely satisfying. Much more than touching or kissing, this was a different kind of lovemaking. I felt appreciated in a way that I hadn't in so very long... and now I'm hooked.

I want to play, dance, flirt, laugh and feel to the fullest extent... I want to know that I'm bringing joy to someone's life, while also taking some for myself! I want to eat up all of the thrills and leave everything else for another day. The greatest sexual revolution of my life thus far began when I started acting like a kid again.

I'm not shutting myself off from falling in love, in fact I'd love to fall head over heels and see it being a very real possibility in the future, but on my terms... When I'm good and ready. When I get into a relationship again, it will be one based on a mutual appreciation of fun, play, and daily adventures. It'll be someone who turns me on without even trying, who knows just what to say or do to make me melt, but most importantly someone who shares my love and excitement for the little things in life.

For now though... I'm just going to keep enjoying myself.

I <3 Vaginas.

2009-04-06T08:29:00.000-07:00

Vagina... let's talk about it.

I sat on the couch with my roommate, checking my email and reading a local blog, Life + Kids, which is where I go when I start feeling stir crazy and overwhelmed by toddler energy. Terri is a saint, working hard to post events and information for kiddos and parents alike... I wanted to find some fun spring events for the tiny bean, but I actually found something that interested me much more. Next Saturday a group of citizens will be meeting to discuss VBAC (Vaginal Birth After Cesarean) particularly the local hospital's policy against it. Its an event that I'm sure will draw quite a crowd, and I'm anxious to see what comes of it. I said "wow, this is interesting" and when she asked what I immediately responded "I assure you it will not interest you a bit" ...somehow a vagina's rights become so much more interesting to those who have pushed children out of them.

I have no experience with cesarean. I'm speaking for my vagina, not for my belly. My daughter came wailing into this world directly from said vagina, which I might say was pretty much exactly how I intended it. With the rising trend of elective cesarean also rises a new level of birth awareness, moms hoping to do things the natural way, the water way, the orgasmic way, hell... just their way. Don't get me wrong here, I'm not knocking anyone for having a baby however they see fit. I can see great benefits to an elective cesarean, it just wasn't for me. I can't be on time for a coffee date, I'd assuredly be late for the birth of my own child.

I went into labor the way that I think many young mothers do, a belly full of baby and a head full of big ideas... my doctor was very patient and put up with lots of talk about natural birth, questions about various methods and cesarean rates, endless talk about Pitocin and painkillers, and in the end he said what I wanted to hear... "its up to you how you want to do this" ...perfect. Sortof.

You see, my pregnancy was basically perfect. I exercised, I slept, I ate, I didn't have even one sip of wine... I had no worries going into the big day. I had taken the classes, practiced my breathing, and things were progressing exactly as they should... My hips spread, the baby dropped, I was good and fat, hormonal, always hungry, and my vagina... oh lord, it wasn't pretty. I knew this was all going as planned. I was shocked, however, when I arrived at the hospital. I was the only pregnant woman I saw in the completely full maternity ward all day long. I walked the halls, peeked at babies, listened as other women laboring in their rooms, made small talk with the nurses... but no other patients all day, everyone was laboring privately, it was surprising to say the least. I don't think I expected to hee-hoo-hee-hee-hoo in a circle of equally swollen soon-to-be mamas, but I sure never expected to be the only pregnant belly I saw in the maternity ward.

I noticed quickly that the nurses were making more frequent stops in my room and started to worry that something was wrong... they weren't really doing anything, just chatting with me. I chatted back, curious and excited, they all asked how long I planned to go naturally and I responded to every one "as long as I can, I just want to experience every bit of this." When the nurses from my OBGYN's office from across the hospital campus came to visit me all together in a group, I knew something was up. They informed me I was the only one in the ward doing things naturally and that they were all rooting for me. The pressure was officially on.

I didn't have miss Marti Pearl naturally, that is, painkiller-less... Pitocin-riddled, stalled at 7cm for over half a day, and exhausted after 15 hours of intense contractions I asked for an epidural, which numbed exactly half of my body. On the right side I coudln't have told you if I had a foot at all, on the left... I would've gladly noticed my foot if it weren't for my darn uterus. I watched, in a giant mirror, as my daughter was born, and it was incredibly beautiful. Scarily foreign vagina and all... it was amazing. I experienced labor in the fullest sense that I possibly could, and I am thrilled with the outcome. I'm lucky.

Would I do it differently if I had it all to do over again? Probably. I'd insist on waiting on the Pitocin, I'd walk longer, relax more, laugh harder, I might even find a big tub... I wouldn't feel so rushed, I'd ask my doctor to work on my schedule instead of his, I'd eat some grapes when I wanted them... You see, there's so many things we consider in hindsight, especially when it comes to the most important event of our lives.

I have a very dear friend who had her daughter by cesarean after a particularly difficult labor, her daughter is now 5 and her voice still cracks a little when she talks about it. She regrets not being able to experience the labor she planned and hoped for. My heart broke as she admitted she felt like less of a woman for not being able to naturally birth her child... I just can't imagine it. We place so much importance on how we labor because dammit, it is important. We all want to have control, that's why we buy the books, take the classes, fret and prepare.

Prohibiting vaginal birth after cesarean is outdated and unnecessary. With 60 - 80 percent of women who attempt a VBAC delivering vaginally it astounds me that hospitals like Washington Regional still have anti-VBAC policies. I have to side with my old pal Michelle Duggar (seriously girl, you still haven't given me a ring-a-ding and I'm still up for that beauty salon visit!) on this one... "We are thankful our hospital allows trying a VBAC as long as they have an anesthesiologist on hand in case there is an emergency," Duggar has had 15? 16? VBACs at this point, and is a big supporter of women giving it a shot. She's VERY lucky to have a fantastic doctor that will allow it, and I hope her story will help bring awareness to this issue.

Its about time we got with the times here in Arkansas. According to the Birth Network of Northwest Arkansas:

One in three women in America give birth by undergoing major abdominal surgery.

In Northwest Arkansas, vaginal birth after cesarean (VBAC) is banned in most hospitals.

In our area, few women have access to professional nurse-midwifery care in a hospital and there are no freestanding birth centers.

Events like this give me hope that we'll be able to start having babies however we see fit. Check out all of the cesarean awareness events here, and here's another that I'm thrilled about: "The Vagina Monologues" comes to Fayetteville! not much labor involved, but vagina is vagina, right?

Kelly Clarkson is a fox!

2009-03-14T21:17:00.000-07:00

I love Kelly Clarkson.

Call it a guilty pleasure if you want, but that girl can sing.

I've never watched an episode of American Idol (yes, I know, there's got to be something simply un-American about that) but I've listened to her over the years and I've liked her more every time I've heard her.

Tonight I was sitting on the couch watching some SNL when I was surprised by how beautiful Kelly looked! She's a total frigging fox! Her hips look downright powerful, curvy and sensual in that form-fitting dress.

Shortly after pregnancy rumors started to fly, she shows up looking sassy and sexy... and sings her freaking heart out! There's most definitely something to be said for a girl who carries herself with such determination and beauty in today's weight obsessed society.

Keep on keepin on, Kelly, you're hot stuff.

Scented memories of baby days...

2009-03-05T07:19:00.000-08:00

This morning while sitting in my favorite coffee shop working I recognized a familiar smell. There are so many times this happens, though not often that I immediately realize exactly what it is that I'm smelling, or remembering...

This morning it was diaper cream. Burt's Bees makes some pretty delicious smelling tushy-balm and I've used it from day one on Bean girl's bottom. Two years of product loyalty is really saying something, especially for a super fickle consumer such as myself. The smell brings me back to days that seem so far away, learning how to function on even less sleep than I got in college, mastering one-handed typing with a tiny person attached to my breast, wishing for a Wal-Mart trip just to interact with people who could actually speak... two years seems so long ago.

These days its all Yo Gabba Gabba and potty training, kitty cat chasing, iy-wuv-yoooouuu's and PB&J sandwiches. Don't get me wrong, I love the stage we're in! She's energetic and full of life, discovering her sense of humor and exploring her world... its beautiful. There are days that I miss that tiny life, though, when things were so new and fragile... I think all moms do. I realized the smell of diaper cream I picked up actually came from me, as my baby's not entirely grown yet. A tiny smear on my pants and I'm immediately thinking about those days...

Looking at pictures of Gwen Stefani with little Zuma reminds me of days I remember fondly, past the point of Swaddlers and nonstop boob nomz but not quite to crawling through the house to terrorize the puppies... a beautiful window of baby-scented everything and chubby little smiles. Ahh... Love it.

Tell me... what's your favorite smell? What memory does it invoke for you?

my current favorite videos...

2009-03-01T15:56:00.000-08:00

Kittens Inspired by Kittens

I'm on A Boat - The Lonely Island (feat. T-Pain) - NSFW! (Potty language)

I love Jesus but I drink a little...

Mini-Vacation, February

2009-02-27T23:38:00.001-08:00

On Friday I drove down to Little Rock for a weekend full of friends & work

One of those being my dear friend Jessica, who I love so very much... she offered me lots of laughs and a place to stay.

I got to spend time with Jamey, who is one of my very favorite people ever.

I got to sleep in for the first time in recent memory on Saturday morning. It was beautiful.

Then I met up with my good friend Cale for some (ah-mazing) Chinese food @ New Fun Ree

I got all fancied up and put on a full-length formal dress I haven't worn since I was 19 years old

Cale took me to one of the most amazing events I've ever witnessed, an Indian engagement party. It was quite an experience, one I'll never forget.

We all went dancing following the party

Lauren had a blast! It was a total surprise- no one had any idea that she liked to dance!

We totally ate Jamaican jerk pork nachos at 4am from a bodega outside of the dance club, and it was delicious.
In my entire life I've really eaten pork maybe 4 times... one of them being Saturday night. It was beautiful.

Proof's in the pu...nachos, my friends.

When I got home with Marti Pearl's big bag of stuff from Aunt Jessica she was THRILLED. We spent the evening playing with sidewalk chalk and reading about kittens.

The trip was so much fun, but I couldn't stand to stay away from this face for long.

The best part is, I'm doing it all again tomorrow! My best friend and I will be heading down for a day/night of fun and most likely some more of those amazing pulled pork nachos. YUM. I'm looking forward to it, its been a heckuva week. <3

Valentines Day

2009-02-14T20:30:00.000-08:00

I'm not big on Valentines Day, in fact I used to protest it in a serious manner... but this year has been amazing.

Surprise Valentines, a happy toddler, potential new clients, and unexpected V-day plans... this has been my very favorite Valentines Day to date. I hope its the same for you all.

Y'all, is that not just downright beautiful?

This is my friend Kristin and her husband John. This is their third Valentines Day apart, and next year he'll be gone as well, which leaves Kristin at home with their 3 small children. This family is strong. Their tremendous love an adoration for each other is inspiring to say the very least.

Happy Valentines Day, thank you for the sacrifices you and your family make. <3

Thank you to my friends...

2009-02-04T10:18:00.000-08:00

2008 was a year of change, growth, and learning. I wanted to thank my closest friends properly...

Abby - I'll always remember holding your hand on the most important day of your life. Helping you during your labor was a life changing experience for me, and I can't express how thankful I am that you felt comfortable with me being there. You've come so far from where you were, and I'm so proud of the person you are now. I always knew you'd be a good mother, but you've far exceeded every expectation. Ruthie is a beauty and you're doing such a good job. Thank you for being such a strong, amazing lady.

Alex - I've learned from you more about personal growth than anyone else. You're ever changing and learning, and your quest for love, knowledge, and understanding makes me want to follow in your footsteps in so many ways. I'm learning to love myself as much as you love me, and that's important. Thank you.

Bailey - You came back into my life and turned everything upside down in an unexpected and wonderful way this spring. Thank you for being an incredible friend who never ceases to push me out of my comfort zone just a little in order to bring the fun. Thank you for helping to expand my horizons and for always keeping me laughing.

Ben - Never in my life has someone shown so much trust, generosity, and faith without even meeting me in person. To help me in the way you have, you've made it possible for me to do what I do and grow my business to support my family. Thank you for trusting me. I wouldn't be doing all of this without you.

Chelsea - Thank you for allowing me to watch you grow and mature into a beautiful young woman. I'm thrilled to see where you'll go in this big world, and I promise I'll be watching all the way. Love you little sister.

Chris - Its strange to me that our lives have paralleled in the ways they have. We're certainly two people who should always be close, and I can't thank you enough for all of the love and kindness you've shown me. Thank you for being such a good friend and so accommodating this fall. I miss you every day.

Cyndi - You say you're a bitch but I still just don't believe it. You're such an honest friend that I couldn't possibly imagine being without you. We've never even met in person, yet you're one of the first people I talk to when something big is going on in my life. You're one of my closest friends and I love your advice, support, kindness, and stories. You are amazing.

Danelle - Thank you for teaching me to love my weaknesses and embrace my faults by showing me yours and loving so freely. Thank you for listening to me cry and always making me laugh, I miss you so very much.

Emily - Thank you for showing me sides of yourself I never expected to see. You're a true friend, an open book, and probably one of the most confident women I know. I still catch myself being shocked by some of the things you say and do because you absolutely own every situation you're in. Thank you for being an inspiration.

Evan - Thank you for being a constant beacon of love and kindness and for following your dreams. You are truly an inspiration to me.

Jamey - We lost out on a lot of years, but hanging out with you just once made up for it. Its amazing to me when you can pick up where you left off and feel so completely connected to someone. I love you to pieces and I hope to always have you in my life.

Jen - Your generosity and kindness will never cease to amaze me. Thank you for going so far above and beyond anything I could've ever expected of you and your family. Living on your farm this spring was a truly wonderful experience and I am so thankful that I was able to do so. Eating Thai food one Friday night at the cottage with the kiddos playing will always be one of my fondest memories. You are an incredible friend and I love you three so much.

Jessica - You might possibly be the craziest person I know, but its such a good crazy. Your innocence and love is what draws people to you, and the hilarious things that fall out of your mouth are what keep us coming back for more. You're a loyal and wonderful friend. Thank you for always bringing the laughs and love.

Katie - Thank you for sticking to your guns when it comes to raising your child in the way that works for you. Your knack for listening and understanding Olive's needs and wants, and finding a balance between mom and friend is inspirational to say the very least. You don't give a damn about the status quo, instead you've carved out a way of parenting that's exactly perfect for you and Olive. I'm amazed by you and your incredible little girl. Keep on rockin, mama.

Keith - When we speak about connections, we know what we're talking about. Thank you for chemistry and inspiration, thank you for intelligent conversation and laughs. Most of all, thank you for being someone I know I can always go to for any and everything. Hearts.

Liz - You are definitely a different breed of cat. You're independent, strong, opinionated, and you are always doing your own thing. I'm amazed by your friendship and support, and inspired by your love with Drew. I am so proud to call you a friend.

Maegan - You are a loving, genuine friend and I couldn't ask for anything more rewarding than knowing that you're thinking of me, wishing I was there with you. I wish I was too, and I hope that sometime in the near future we'll be close enough to run around together like we used to. Your love, creativity, and light shine out of you in a way that I crave constantly. I miss you so incredibly much. Thank you for being my muse.

Marshall - Transitioning from husband and wife to best friends has been hard, but I feel like we're doing it quite well. Thank you for offering your support and having faith in what I do. Thank you for loving our daughter in the way she deserves to be loved. Most of all, thank you for loving me, even if its in a very different capacity than we're used to.

Mom - Your endless support is always appreciated more than I can show. Thank you for being there for me when I need to cry, yell, vent or laugh. I love you so much.

Meredith - From the moment I saw you I knew I'd love you forever. I became absolutely addicted to you, from your smile to your kindness... you have an innocence and light about you that I found myself wanting to constantly bask in. I have no idea where you're going to go in your life, and I absolutely cannot wait to see. Thank you for being a wonderful friend, a beautiful person, and a tremendous inspiration.

Rachael - I feel like I've known you forever, and in so many ways wish I had... We're so very similar, and I feel like the advice and support you offer me comes completely from the heart. Your kindness is paired with a level of sassy that makes it totally impossible not to love you to pieces. You are adorable, and so is that beautiful baby girl of yours.

Sam - Thank you for teaching me how to build functional friendships with men. Through trial and (obviously quite a bit of) error I've grown and learned how to keep close male friends in a way I never had figured out on my own, and I owe it to maturity, being more confident and sure of myself, but mostly to the loss of our friendship. Thank you.

Wes - Thank you for being such a catalyst for positive change in my life. You shook me awake in a way no one else has, and continue to do so from time to time, just when I need it. Thank you.

Zaynab - We've been best friends since we were 12 years old, and we know each other better than anyone else in the world does. I've learned so many lessons from you over the years that its hard to pinpoint just one or two to thank you for, therefore thank you for being an amazing friend. Thank you for your overwhelming generosity, your constant love, and your support no matter what. Thank you for being my best friend.

Love & Death

2009-01-26T11:42:00.000-08:00

One of my closest friends, Liz, has always been incredibly close with her stepdad and when he died of cancer last week I decided to go to his funeral to support her. As I sat nervously in that familiar church with Bean girl wiggling on my lap I realized this was so much bigger than me.

You see, John died of a very aggressive and horrible cancer that came out of nowhere and killed him in a matter of months. His wife, Ada, is a gracious and beautiful woman with a soul you can see for miles. She's got a contagious smile and a look in her eye that tells you she truly knows happiness, she lives for love and family and togetherness... she exudes confidence, strength, and compassion. She and Liz's relationship is a direct reflection of the kind of amazing mother and person she is. I didn't know Ada when she was a single mom, or when she was married to Liz's dad, (who is also an absolutely amazing guy as well) but I've heard stories of her over the years... she's the type of woman who truly deserves the happiness and love she's showering on everyone else. Liz told me once that she was certain her mom had met her match with John, because he was very much the same type of person. I worry about Ada now, only because I know her heart is so broken. I can't imagine how overwhelming it would be to find that person, your match in this crazy world, and to lose them so quickly, so unexpectedly.

Liz stood up at the funeral and told stories of John, of their family, their bond... and she was speaking with so much joy it was obvious how strong their love was. The kind of relationship she had with John is the kind I hope that Marshall and Marti Pearl will have, which brings me to my one and only story about John... which makes me teary eyed and so happy all at the same time.

Liz is an incredible singer. Her voice is so beautiful and she often sings at church. One Sunday she was singing in front of the congregation, with her back to the choir. John sat behind her smiling so big throughout the song and at one point I could tell he was biting his lip a little... a sign of pride that warmed my heart completely. Towards the end of her song he was wiping his eyes with increasing frequency and when she finished, the man next to him patted him on the shoulder and he let out a little sob. He was so overcome by pride for his daughter that it moved him to tears... that's what its all about.

This man lived his life for his family, his amazing wife and intelligent, ambitious children. He said to Liz during his last week here that the most perfect day of his entire life was when he married her mom, and I believe him entirely. To live a life of reflection and service to others is so noble and rare... but to truly find the person you were meant to love forever, to marry that person and begin your lives together... that's the most perfect thing ever. That is heaven. I know for a fact that I'll love again, I know it will be beautiful and fulfilling, everything I've hoped for.

John was truly living his life, and his passing has definitely left a large void. I know Ada is strong enough to make it through, the love and strength she's drawn from her relationship with John will carry on his legacy. I hope he realized what an inspiration he was while he was here, I'm certain everyone else knows it.

Liz and Ada, I love you. Thank you for being in my life.

All I can do is reach for it, myself.

2009-01-25T21:34:00.001-08:00

It's not only children who grow. Parents do too. As much as we watch to see what our children do with their lives, they are watching us to see what we do with ours. I can't tell my children to reach for the sun. All I can do is reach for it, myself. ~Joyce Maynard

What if we were able to love like we had never been hurt?
To see the good in people regardless of the cynicism we develop from years of loving and losing...
Be the people we always said we would, always wanted to be, simply because we're worth it?
To embark on something no one understands simply because you think it'd make you happy...

Why aren't we? Why can't we? Why am I not living my life like I want my daughter to live hers?

I for one refuse to do it any longer. This is the point where I start enjoying life and everything its bringing me. This is the point where I embrace myself and everything I'm worth.
I choose happiness, and I'm going to go get it.

Lusting after Cowmooflage

2009-01-13T21:36:00.000-08:00

Dear Target,

Here's the deal, baby... this mama is pissed. This girl ordered a Britax Marathon Car Seat in Cowmooflage, otherwise known as mana from diaper heaven. I was super pumped because I found it for ridiculously cheap. I loved it, it fell into my lap (thanks, My dear Smarmy Mama) and I ordered it with an urgency only a parent could understand. When I ordered it, I realized the deal I was getting was RIDIC, but I was thrilled nonetheless. A huge company like Target gets to make some amazing deals... I'll even make a confession- I broke out the "secret" credit card for this baby.

(I have a feeling you moms out there understand how freaking serious I was about this stupid carseat. And I'm sure you can imagine my immediate disappointment when I received the email stating that I would not be receiving this precious item. In fact, LOADS of moms all over the interwebz felt the same way. Yes, Target let us down.)

I'm a very understanding mama. I'm alright with your shoe aisle looking a little post-Iwo Jima-esque, I don't complain when the quality of (some of) your clothes don't meet my normally lowish standards, hell, I even love you despite the fact that you close earlier than Wal-Mart and don't carry groceries. So much so that I make a special trip to see you once a week...

I'm afraid though, that despite the $25 gift card you sent me via email, I'm just gonna have to say "Nopers" this time around. Here's the deal... there was a mistake made, the carseat was mispriced, that's unfortunate for everyone (except for your customers, of course) but at the end of the day, you as a retailer have let us down. Us working moms (is there any other kind?) who are saving every penny we can, saw a great deal and jumped on it. You then canceled it, leaving us quite unsure of our relationship with you. Yes, we can and will continue to shop there, we'll still spend our money, but will our love be the same? No way, man. You messed up.

Its going to be a difficult road from here on out, you'll still benefit from it of course, but you'll feel our wrath... which I'm sure you can imagine is brutal. (Hell hath no fury like an overworked mom without a rightfully deserved AND PAID FOR carseat, right?) We'll be passive-aggressive with it, letting those grubby little fingers touch things we'd normally avoid at all costs... Our children will suddenly become capable of things you weren't aware of because so far we've been keeping those little mess machines in check... but just you wait- you're going to get it.

I don't threaten often, but when it comes to pb&j fingerprints and sad mamas wishing for cow-printed carseats, I am oh so serious. Prepare yourself.

I do hope that at some point you'll win back my trust, because our love affair has been oh so satisfying up to this point, but we'll see. This girl isn't as romantic as she used to be. I know a few THOUSAND mamas feeling the same way, wishing you'd just make it right. Hell, we're not even asking you to get a babysitter, take us out to dinner, or do the damn dishes, we just want you to follow through with a promise you made to us via your secure online ordering system. One per household, ok... I can deal, just give us that cowmooflage we're missing. Love us like we want you to!

Heather Kendrick-Gerlaugh
Mom of one, currently rocking the non-posh carseat, dreaming of more

Holidays

2009-01-06T09:48:00.000-08:00

Whoo! Are y'all still feeling exhausted from the holiday like I am?

Christmas 2008 was an odd one for sure. In light of all of the changes going on in our lives right now, my little family was all over the place. We visited family, celebrated with friends, and traveled to my family's big get-together for a long weekend of excitement.

It was bittersweet, as it was our first Christmas since Marshall and I have split. I was thrilled that we were still able to enjoy the holiday as a family regardless of our differences.

Also, my little sister is graduating this Spring and will be moving away for college, so there was lots of talk about her being gone. While I'm excited for her, I'm still sad when I think about her not being around. I guess the Bean and I will just have to start traveling more often!

Of course Marti Pearl made out like a bandit, we're still unpacking Christmas toys- 1 a day so she stays interested.

New Years came and went without much excitement, as we were packing and preparing for our upcoming cross-town move.

After a long day of packing I got fancied up and went out with my girls, we had a great time and looked pretty darn fabulous if I do say so myself!

January 1st began moving day! It was a long process but we had lots of help from great friends and we're all moved into the new apartment now. Our living situation is very different, but it works well for us. We're all thrilled with the apartment.

See? She seems quite happy!

<3 Happy 2009!

Toddler Pong

2008-12-21T20:02:00.000-08:00

Bean girl is officially a big girl, sleeping all by herself in her big girl bed. She's thrilled about it, and so am I, even if it does mean I'm putting her back in bed a zillion times. Toddler pong! Whee!

Happy Birthday YaYa!

2008-12-08T11:41:00.000-08:00

Happy Birthday, mom!
♥

Recipe: Curry Vegetable Chowder

2008-12-02T10:05:00.000-08:00

Its random recipe time!

I got in the mood to make corn chowder recently but when I started checking out recipes I realized I wanted more substance- lots of veggies and some spice. I came up with a mighty delicious soup, in fact I think its my new favorite. Perfect for the cold weather!

Curry Vegetable Chowder
4 Yukon Gold Potatoes, cut into small pieces
1 box Vegetable Broth
1/4 onion, chopped finely
2 cans corn
1 can carrots
1 can black beans
1 can sweet peas
1 can Rotel
1 small block of 2% Velveeta
1 cup milk
garlic
curry powder
cayenne pepper

Sautee (about 2 tbs) garlic and onion in white wine
Bring vegetable broth and Rotel to a boil, add potatoes. Cook until soft.
Add all canned ingredients + Milk + Velveeta
Add curry powder, cayenne pepper, salt/pepper to taste
-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Feeding soup (and vegetables) to the bean has proven impossible, but its so good that I had to figure out a way to get her to eat it... so with a little creativity and some extra cheese, I came up with an awesome dinner for her as well!

Toddler-friendly Curry Vegetable Quesadilla
1 tortilla
2% milk shredded cheese (I prefer the Fiesta variety, myself)
Soup (partially drained with a slotted spoon)

In a frying pan, put cheese on 1/2 of the tortilla, cover the cheese with the veggies from the soup & a small amount of the soup liquid
Add 1 more layer of cheese
Fold tortilla over

I also gave her a small bowl of soup to dip her quesadilla in. It was such a hit! I'm thrilled that she ate vegetables and got to enjoy my mighty tasty soup too!

No regrets. Ever.

2008-11-18T12:59:00.001-08:00

Can I be really honest with you guys for a minute? I mean, really honest...

I feel like I've been censoring myself over my years in blogging, trying to not to reveal too much while still forming bonds with people who are genuinely interested in my life...
I don't want to, and I don't even really know how it happens... its a natural response I suppose. Working in corporate America for years I was warned of my presence online, after hearing stories of people losing their jobs over blogging, I became weary of revealing too much. Its not that I don't trust you people, I just don't want anyone to use my words against me.

Here's what's up though... I have been going through a particularly rough few months, and I feel like its unfair to assume that you guys wouldn't want to hear about it... I mean, you're here for a reason, right?

Husband-pants is no longer husband-pants. He's wearing some not-so-husband-y-pants these days, as we've been separated for a little while. We're currently trying to feel out this separation (the emotional and financial implications of divorce are overwhelming to say the least). In doing so, we've learned quite a bit about each other, relationships, and what we do and don't want out of ourselves, our partner, and our lives. This has needed to happen for a while, and I'm glad to say that we're, for the most part, really happy. In fact, that was our biggest motivation in doing this. We're of the mindset that 2 unhappy parents do not a happy child make.

I can't put a finger on the moment I knew we were too far gone, I think it was a slow realization, one that snuck up on us over time. When it happened though, we tried so hard to resist it. We recommitted ourselves to the lasting marriage we promised each other years ago, but it was only a week or so before the fighting started again, worse than before. It was obvious we weren't going anywhere we wanted to be. After a weekend apart full of reflection we decided a separation would be best for all of us, and we've stuck to it.

So far, its proven very beneficial. In fact, this weekend was spent as a family, the three of us watching movies and hanging out like old days... there was just a different dynamic. Bean girl definitely realizes what's going on, and we kick ourselves for it quite frequently, but we're working on improving our relationship as a family every day, even though our relationship as a couple has come to an end.

With all of that said, its still difficult to move on. Its a long process, I hear, and we're wading through it and sorting out what we're feeling, but its hard. Divorce is a scary thing, and its looming heavily over both of us right now.

I don't regret a day that I've spent with Marshall. I proudly embrace my (not-so) new last name, and all of the changes that came with it. He has helped shape the person I am today... and I actually, for the first time in my life, really love that person. We have achieved impossible and wonderful things in our time together. I hope never to forget the road that brought me to where I am today, regardless of whether I'll be walking down it alone or not.

Thank you, Marsh.
♥

The chance to be a little less alone in the world...

2008-11-12T06:06:00.000-08:00

I have successfully held my tongue throughout election season. I'm sure many of you at this point have no idea who I even voted for, I really figured that was the best way to do things. I honestly didn't feel that passionate about this election, as much as I wanted to, I just couldn't get into it. Don't get me wrong, I'm utterly thrilled with the outcome. I do believe that Obama will be a catalyst for change for our country. I'm not one to buy into the amazing hope that so many of us have right now that he'll be able to turn this country around simply because he is a charismatic leader with huge ideas, and now the power to make them happen. I have never and will never be able to place that kind of faith in our government. What I am excited about, and what I hope you are as well, is how invested the American people are in the process. This is history that we're making, and we're all thrilled about it. Record voter turnouts, young and old Americans alike working together for a common goal... we needed this. More than we needed any certain person in the white house, we needed something to get involved in. We needed to feel like we could make something big happen.

And we did! Even if you didn't vote for our president-elect you made this happen. By watching, listening, learning, we were responsible for the fire we all felt walking into our polling places, for the butterflies in all of our stomachs last Tuesday night... And that is amazing. I voted with my daughter on my lap, explaining to her what was happening while filling in my bubbles because even at her young age, I wanted her to own a part of this. I made a big dinner, opened up a bottle of wine, and sat watching the smiles and the tears and the pride on the faces of people just like me all over our nation. I hope to never forget it. For the first time in my adult life, I feel like this was MY America.

Unfortunately there was a dark shadow cast over that incredible night as I watched the election results for Proposition 8 (California) and Act 1 (Arkansas) with a sad heart. Clicking refresh every few minutes on the election result sites, I grew fearful that MY America would let me down... and it did. I was utterly shocked. I couldn't honestly believe that in this day and age, in a country that is making so much forward movement, overcoming so much of the hatred and ignorance that has fueled years of oppression for our own people, that we still feel the need to place our thumb on a group of our citizens. People living and working in our communities do not have the same rights as I do, simply because we feel self-important enough to stand on the ground of religion and tell them they are not allowed to do something as basic as marry the person they choose or foster and adopt children who need loving homes. Who in the world do we think we are?

The people of California voted to take away the most fundamental human right... to love unabashedly, no matter who you are. We sure think we're incredibly special, don't we? I love God and I love America. I own guns, I speak freely, and I married who I wanted when I wanted because it was my right. I take all of that for granted on a daily basis because these are rights that are protected by law, they won't be snatched away. Gay people do not have the same rights now, we the people have turned up our noses and snatched it away because of fear. We're scared that redefining marriage will destroy its sanctity. We are honestly trying to say we are working to protect an institution with a 50% success rate... in my very humble opinion, our stats aren't looking so great as is- some redefinition certainly couldn't hurt!

If I wanted to foster or adopt a child, I could do it. These are my rights, and I appreciate them more than I'll ever be able to express. I can't imagine having them taken away simply because I fell in love with someone that the state didn't approve of. I cringe at the thought of the foster children who will be taken from the parents that love them, straight or gay, simply because we'd like to say that's what God wants. The Family Council had this to say...

I really believe that it was God’s divine providence and your hard work that made this day possible. From the beginning, I believed that we could pass the Adoption Act handily—but I knew it would only be through prayer and perseverance. Today, after almost 2 years of working on this issue, I can honestly say that we’ve all won. Because of your dedication, children will be placed in better homes. Because of your determination, a gay agenda that our opponents brought to Arkansas has been put on its heels. This is a good day for Arkansas, and you have a right to feel proud to be a part of something so significant.

Who is the family council to assume that our marital state determines our worth as parents? I. Call. Bullshit. Is this group really broadcasting that unmarried couples are providing a sub-par life for their children? That's certainly the most offensive sweeping generalization that I've ever heard. Why are we not shouting from the rooftops here!?! Oh yeah, its because we're talking about gay people. Gay parents couldn't possibly be as loving and supportive as straight ones, we couldn't possibly let them provide for children who need it the most, its got to be beyond their capabilities. Does anyone else find this as ridiculous as I do? I mean really!? We voted to limit the rights of gays in Arkansas, and in the process left so many casualties along the way. Now straight unmarried couples simply do not have the option, and most importantly... these children are losing their chance for a loving family.

What upsets me the most is that a majority of Arkansans feel the same way. That in the state I love, 57% of people were so terrified of gay people that they voted to take away their most important right... to have a family. That is simply horrifying. To do it on the grounds of religion is unspeakable, and makes me ashamed for those of you who feel comfortable citing Jesus when shamefully and openly hating and oppressing a fellow person that God made and loves. The God that lives in my heart loves universally, always has, always will.

I am both thrilled and saddened by the choices of my fellow Americans. I am disheartened that this form of hate has been deemed acceptable in today's society... these are not God's values, these are not my values. It is absolutely disgusting and shameful. In this time of change, I pray that the people of my country can embrace the love and light inside of us, and that the balance will be shifted so that ALL people, gay or straight, married or unmarried, will have the rights and liberties that they deserve.

Keith Olbermann said it best (as always), and left me in tears, when speaking about Prop 8. This isn't about yelling, this isn't about politics, its about the human heart.

Even if you're not a fan of Keith Olbermann, or if you don't have any investment in this issue, what he has to say is profound and relevant for every single person. I hope you enjoy this as much as I did. (Read here if you prefer)

Halloween 2008

2008-11-02T20:58:00.001-08:00

I didn't get as many pictures of the bean-fairy as I would've liked, but she looked terribly cute in her costume, which she wore from the time she woke up on Friday until it was thoroughly covered in cupcake last night. We trick-or-treated twice, went to a super fun party, and she absolutely loved Halloween.

I put some serious effort into my costume for the first time in a large amount of years, and I was a peacock! Using this costume as inspiration, I came up with a pretty fantastic little getup (if I do say so myself!) and I had so much fun!

Hilarious!

2008-10-29T18:56:00.000-07:00

I lol-ed.

Duggar-wood

2008-10-27T14:24:00.001-07:00

I'm still amazed by the varying opinions about my post on The Duggars from this Spring. Everyone seems to have something to say about them, their family, their life, their kids, and we're so passionate about it! We're emotionally invested in their situation as if we actually know them, because on some level we all do. My good friend Rachael M. made a very important point, which I feel like not enough of us are actually considering.... they have opened themselves up to criticism by inviting TV cameras into their lives.

My guilty pleasure is celebrity gossip. Thanks to FameCrawler I was on the Britney Spears meltdown last winter like a monkey on a cupcake. I love reading about other people's lives, and you do too. You wouldn't be reading blogs if you didn't! Our society embraces a certain level of voyeurism, from gossip magazines at the grocery checkout line to our ongoing obsession with reality television, its all around us. The Duggars realize this, and they've capitalized on it! Its simply unarguable. They made the choice to share their details, and they know we're watching.

We watch their day to day life on our televisions and assume that we know these people, their values, their family dynamic, but we don't. We know what we see, the edited version of their very interesting life, and we make very passionate assumptions about them based on the very limited information we have. My question is, why do we insist on protecting them, if they've chosen this life? We all know its out of the ordinary, we all realize these people aren't normal, they've obviously accepted this, because they realized they had a product like none other. We're offering criticism of their way of life, of their impact on our world, on their belief system, or we're shaming the critics for being so negative, because we truly care about these people. Regardless of how we feel about them, they've had an impact on our lives. They're selling their family values and we're supporting every bit of it, whether we agree or not.

Handmade for the holidays

2008-10-21T10:36:00.000-07:00

I'm getting pumped for the holidays.

Would you guys like to see what I'm lusting after!? Good!

Tara has the kind of creative vision I'd like to have with any or all of my projects. Seriously, this girl has got some talent when it comes to jewelry. Her pieces are unique, fresh, fun, and elegant. I could definitely wear her stuff every. damn. day.

(my favorite necklace of all time)

I love the great state I live in, and that's why I love Rock City Outfitters

Fayetteville, the city I live in, got this crazyass nickname and there are a million different stories why. Here's what I know... I would love to wear this shirt all the time.

Buttons are also lovely if you're not quite at the same level of Arkansas pride as I am, or if you're just in need of more flair.

Handwoven rag bottom tiny person chair

I'm a little partial already, honestly. I've got a SWEET adult rocker and I've been eying one for the little bean for quite a while. Seriously, this thing is amazing. The seat is totally handwoven, scraps of old fabric in the coolest colors/patterns... I am madly in love with it.

I'm excited about adding a miniature version at some point soon. Especially since her new favorite phrase is "Rock Rock!"

I love Lindsay's wreaths. I'm a sucker for fall/winter decorations already so show me a well made wreath and I'm in! These aren't something you can find down at your local Hobby Lobby or Michael's, they're totally one of a kind, made with lots of love and fake flowers.
You know you love that just as much as I do.

I love art. Anyone who has seen my house will tell you I have a pretty random collection, but I'm always looking to add more. Here are some of my current favorites...

This print was a random Etsy find, I love it! - by Jessica Doyle

Another Etsy find - by Angela Vandenbogaard

My favorite painting by one of my very favorite artists - by the lovely and talented Amber Perrodin

And last, a list of awesome gift sites (not necessarily handmade, but spectacular nonetheless!)
Perpetual Kid - a super random collection of hilarious gifts
GirlPROPS - ~~cheap~~Inexpensive and hilarious jewelry!

Just some pictures

2008-10-15T21:06:00.000-07:00

I love fall.

Marti Pearl at the drive-through safari - photo by Wes

Windblown

Kisses and Pancakes - photo by Wes

Hugging a goat at the petting zoo - photo by Wes

You - photo by Wes

Ihop piranhas - photo by Wes

Go to the gym.

2008-09-25T13:09:00.001-07:00

Dear moms,

I love going to the gym. I'm writing this letter to moms because I think there are hidden benefits for us in the gym, that we might not be putting enough emphasis on. Sure, it can be said that we benefit more from consistent exercise more than our childless counterparts, as we've got pregnancy pounds to work off, but there's so much more to it... some of these things you're already aware of, I hope, but if not, give it a try. Seriously, throw on some yoga pants, turn your iPod to something sassy, and get in there! I highly doubt you'll walk away regretting it.

1) Endorphins. When you exercise, your body produces endorphins, which produce feelings of happiness and euphoria. This is all good. I don't care who you are, you can always use more endorphins (just don't overdo it there, She-Ra), and euphoria in your life.

2) Exercise boosts self-esteem. Reaching a goal, whether it be shedding pounds or hitting the mile-mark on the treadmill, does wonders for one's self-worth. On a larger scale, though, society appreciates a well-toned body, which generally is the reason most women head to the gym in the first place. There's lots to be said for being able to throw on your skinny jeans for girls night out! Improved self-confidence also has a domino effect... less feelings of anxiety and/or depression, more motivation to maintain a healthy lifestyle, increased sex drive... All of this is very good.

Last but certainly not least- in fact, this is what I consider my biggest motivation for frequent exercise...
3) You tend to start feeling a little pampered when you get in the habit of doing something for only you, especially something physical. No kids, no phones ringing, just you focusing on you. Its addictive! I feel lucky that when I get to the gym, Bean girl RUNS to the childcare room, anxious to see her little friends and the sweetest kiddo-keeper ever. I don't have to worry a bit about her while I'm working on me, which is possibly the best feeling ever. For one hour a day, I can go completely within myself, and do something that's super good for me. Its amazing.

So moms, go to the gym. Not because I think you're doughy, lazy, or out of shape, go because you deserve it, dammit. As a mom, we never put ourselves first... feel free to do that, and not experience one ounce of guilt because when mama's happy, everyone else is too.

Enjoy those endorphines!
<3

Things I <3

2008-09-19T12:20:00.000-07:00

I wanted to share a couple of things I'm totally in love with at the moment. Fall fashion makes me so very happy. Tell me what you're in to...

Yep, I'm totally buying in to the scarf trend right now. I've always been a big fan of them, in fact, I secretly LOVE fall/winter because I get to bust out the scarves! Now they're so readily available... every store has them, and I'm so thrilled about it!

A little peek of my favorite scarf (which has gone missing! oh noes!) last winter.

Withering Elm (Etsy | Myspace) is just incredible jewelry. I got my first piece from her this spring, and have gotten nothing but an endless stream of compliments every single time I wear it. I totally lust over all of the designs because of their classic charm and vintage appeal, but also for the fact that they're totally handmade with love by a pretty amazing gal.

Katy is quite the jewelry designer... I'm thrilled every time I see she's got new pieces!

That reminds me...

This year, I'm buying handmade for all of my holiday gifts.
What about you?